DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

[hairfryer]

This is something that happened a long time ago and I am “over it” but have always wondered if I was unreasonable. DH, MIL and other members of his extended family took my first born for his first shoe fitting without me. I had just started back at work after mat leave and they took him on a weekend while I was working. The first I knew of it was when I got home and they showed me the shoes with a pic of my sister-in-law holding DS’s hand as he tried them on. I was devastated, but didn’t let on, and was already pregnant with DS2 at the time so have always wondered if hormones made me more sensitive. MIL had made a point of saying she wanted to pay for his first shoes so I think that was her reasoning. My MIL has otherwise, in many of the ways that matter, been lovely over the years. How would you have felt?

don't tell me you bronze them?

I went to buy my child's first shoes while my dh was at work and then had a bit of a panic that he would be annoyed with me for doing it without him, he didn't care luckily.
I think it's one of those things some people are sentimental and some aren't so as long as you don't think it was done with bad intentions I'd let it go.

First shoes is definitely an important moment for some people. My mum is very determined to take my baby for a fitting and pay for the shoes, I think it's a tradition in some areas.

I think it was thoughtless of DH and the inlaws to wait until OP was back at work to all get together and have a special outing with the baby and only share the photos afterwards. It may not have been intentional but it was very poor timing.

sure, but is it a hill worth dying on…

There's a near infinite number of firsts in a child's life. The first time they ate broccoli, or wore gloves, or wrote their name, or made their bed. Did you insist on being present for all of them? Did you ensure that the father was also present and had agreed with your plans?

you left out wiped their own bum!

It would have made a powerful point.

Overstepping in the way OP’s MIL has done, (but mine would not have done) is not acceptable. If you have struggled for years to get pregnant and then your idiot DH lets his mother take that away from you, then that is rage- inducing in my book, but even if those circumstances do not apply it is still extremely thoughtless and insensitive of those adults to treat the child’s mother in that way. The same would be true of the first haircut or the first steps. If I was babysitting a future DGC and s/he took their first steps I would tell DS and GF that I thought s/he was almost there and let them have the joy of it later. I wouldn’t tell them he’d walked first with me.

I would have made it clear to DH that those shoes were not being worn and if MIL asked why DC was wearing them I would have told her calmly but firmly that no one but me was choosing and buying his first shoes.

And I’ve remembered that when DB snd SIL were struggling a bit years ago my DF and DSM sent them money to get DN’s first shoes and a winter coat. They did not take DN out and get the photo etc done - they would never have done that.

Your husband was there so it was something nice for him to do. If he was at work while you were on maternity, he will have missed lots of firsts im sure.

I'd not have swallowed that, I'd have been furious. We made this experience into a little 'memory' event for both our children. I'd have gone mad at husband and the in-laws if they'd have dared.

The powerful point you'd be making is that you're a massive control freak who sees their child's father as very much a second-class parent.

Oh you so not unreasonable. Definitely a milestone, at the very least definitely something you get the mum's consent for!

To help you move on, I think you need to have a no-angst conversation with your mother in law and give the chance to reply with 'oh shit, I'm sorry'

The fact that they took photos of your sil holding your child's hand means they know it was a special occasion.

Obviously, you also need to have words with your husband too

It's a good way to train everyone around you to leave the entire mental load up to you in the future, I suppose.

This is genuinely one of the most unhinged things I’ve ever read on here. No wonder so many Mners have no friends and are NC with their entire family if you think this is an appropriate response.

Don't be ridiculous

If you think this is ‘assertive’ and is a matter of “strong boundaries’ and ‘sending a powerful message’, then it suggests a sense of disproportion so extreme as to be pathological. Some posters on here are completely unable to just experience negative emotions.

Er, it absolutely is for some people (inc. me). As is the first hair cut, first tooth falling out, etc. Some people attach more meaning to these things than others do and I would expect my DH to know which category I’m in.

This is so over the top! The child's father was there so it's not like the MIL took over completely. Both parents can't always be around for every supposed "milestone".

Why make so much drama over something so trivial, it was a bit annoying but it's not worth creating bad feeling over.

Or perhaps you just lack empathy

Good luck getting the MIL to step up for babysitting or getting the dad to show initiative when it comes to parenting chores later on then!

This. Both mine were completely unimpressed at their first shoe fitting. One cried the whole way through it as he'd just woken up from a nap in the car and the other refused to let the shop assistant put any shoes on him and contorted himself into all sorts of awkward positions.

I then had the pleasure of forking out over £40 for two tiny bits of leather. I'd have been DELIGHTED had someone does this instead of me.

Such bad advice!

Just let it go. The OP says this was a while ago, why on earth bring it up now?

Honestly, if this is all people have to fuss about in their lives then that's incredibly lucky because it's such a non issue!

How about being grateful for MIL for buying the shoes? 🤷‍♀️

I was definitely off with her for a bit.

What about your DH? Were you off with him for the same length of time you were your MIL?
I think yes it’s understandable you may of been upset you missed out but YABU. A father took his son for his first pair of shoes… there’s nothing wrong with that

It's advice. You may have a different opinion, but it's no less bad or good than yours.

I would argue speaking to her husband is the least she should do given the impact on marriages of poor communications and long resentments.

Exactly - the father was there or does he not count?

I would get being upset down the line about this if neither parent had been there but to harbour a resentment when the father simply took his own child for shoes with his mum and you missed it is a bit over the top.