DH and MIL took DS for first shoes fitting without me

[hairfryer]

This is something that happened a long time ago and I am “over it” but have always wondered if I was unreasonable. DH, MIL and other members of his extended family took my first born for his first shoe fitting without me. I had just started back at work after mat leave and they took him on a weekend while I was working. The first I knew of it was when I got home and they showed me the shoes with a pic of my sister-in-law holding DS’s hand as he tried them on. I was devastated, but didn’t let on, and was already pregnant with DS2 at the time so have always wondered if hormones made me more sensitive. MIL had made a point of saying she wanted to pay for his first shoes so I think that was her reasoning. My MIL has otherwise, in many of the ways that matter, been lovely over the years. How would you have felt?

My now x MILdid this. It really fucked me off. And the shoes were awful.

My parents did a lot for my kids, and shock horror even some 'firsts' eg the first Christmas outfit 🤯

Never was I devastated, in fact I was just so very happy that DS's had a loving extended family, and encouraged them to have a relationship independent of me.

Buying first shoes is totally a thing here, and first shoes are a keepsake.

I think I'd have been upset too and I voted YANBU, but the pre-warning about MIL wanting to pay for them, and a clear sanction & involvement of your husband, are both large mitigating factors. I might be more upset with my husband than MIL.

First Christmas outfit really isn’t a thing in the same way. My mum bought my dd a keepsake dress to wear for her first Christmas. That was a sweet thing to do and completely different from the interactive shopping experience of shoes.

I would have been upset too. Devastated no. But this is your child and they’re little for such a finite amount of time.

I'd have been glad they took that off my plate. I can't remember what my kids' first shoes were, don't remember the fitting, and couldn't tell you who was there. I assume I was as I was a SAHM long past them needing shoes, but the impact on my life, my happy memories of DC, my bond with them, etc. has been absolutely zero.

Agree with this. It was thoughtless.

I’d have been upset too as it’s a sweet moment and it’s nice for you to choose the shoes too. I’ve kept my eldests first shoes as a keepsake. It is a milestone to me too.

I get that you’re ’over it’ now but it’s up to you what milestones matter so it doesn’t really matter what others think anyway. Some people don’t care about them at all or some families have random ones others wouldn’t think of. Enjoy as many special moments with your kids as you want to.

@Mummyoflittledragon she may also have been involved with first shoes, as well as first haircut and going home from hospital outfits 😅 my mum was an excited grandmother.

But you’re clearly ok with that? Lovely that she was excited but she’s already got to do all that with her own kids. Maybe an excited mother would enjoy doing some of those things themselves.

The fact that MIL already had the idea she wanted to buy his first shoes shows that she knew that 'first shoes' are a thing. Nobody cares about buying a first pair of gloves or first pair of jeans, they're just gloves and jeans, so MIL clearly knew it held some significance. How significant it is to any given mum is variable, but that she didnt run it by you to find out is a bit crappy when she herself knew it could be special. I suppose she may have asked DH if you'd have minded and he didn't realise it was a thing so said go ahead? Personally, I would want to choose first shoes myself, but i can see that's a bit precious too as it is just shoes. In your scenario I could deal with not being there if time was tight and the shoes were needed, but would struggle with not even being asked if I minded.

OP I don't think you need people to tell you if they'd feel upset or not. The point is you felt upset.

I would have felt the same but equally know others who wouldn't care at all.

You felt upset and that's all that matters.

Whether they were BU or not depends on if they knew how you'd feel or considered it.

@Strawberrryfields ouch 😅 I guess those things just weren't that important to me 🤷‍♀️ Certainly not significant enough to hold a grudge many years later.

Were the shoes cute?

Realistically we are not going to be there for every milestone and sometimes we just have to accept it. This was a pretty small one. And DC's dad was there.

It would have pissed me off. I loved taking my dc to get their first pair of shoes.
If she’s otherwise lovely you are right to let it go.

I remember being in hospital after having dc2, both of us were very poorly and it was Christmas. MIL had come to stay at our house to help DH with dc1 and all the visits to me and newborn dd. Christmas Day was coming and as DS had just turned 3 it was the first Christmas he was aware of Santa and was excited. I knew I would miss all the stocking present opening which was gutting but I asked mil to keep aside one particular present so that I could give it to ds when they all visited the hospital on Christmas Day morning. I asked mil because she’s very reliable and DH was beyond stressed with everything.
When they visited, I asked her for the present so I could give it to DS, she very casually said that she’d already let him open it as he’d seen it and wanted to. Possibly hormonal but I was devastated! It was supposed to be my one bit of Christmas joy that year.
I didn’t say anything, just had a bit of a cry in private. Mine too, is an otherwise lovely MIL who was a big help that year and just misjudged how I would feel about something.

I didn’t mean that as a dig! I was just pointing out that while it’s nice for grandmas to be excited, mums can be excited too and that’s no less important.

It doesn’t sound like a grudge, more of a sense check - was IBU feeling that way or not. Imo she wasn’t.

Out of interest, were there any firsts you were excited to do or is that not your thing at all?

I would have been happy that my husband sorted a chore, but I didn’t find buying shoes a milestone. I don’t think we took pictures. I couldn’t tell you what age it happened.

If I had considered this an important moment, I probably would have felt differently. I would mostly be upset with my husband for not knowing which things I view as milestones and that those milestones need to involve both parents.

Am interested to learn that buying first shoes is an important thing in some families.

Is it really true that Clarkes do a photo package??!

It's not a thing in my family. I have no idea who took any of mine for their first shoes. Probably me. Couldn't tell you what they got or anything about the purchase!

Why shoes? Is their first pair of jeans a thing? What about their first gloves? First belt? First salopettes? First swimming goggles? Wondering if I have missed any other firsts.

I love celebrating (or acknowledging) my children’s firsts, but don’t really see first shoe fitting as a milestone in any way. More a chore that needs doing and I’d be happy to not have to do it/pay loads for Clark’s shoes that’ll very quickly be outgrown.
My 4yo has never actually been for a proper shoe fitting. I bought a shoe right measurer thing and just do it at home.

If DH thought it would be important to you he should have checked. But I’d say time to forget about it, it probably wouldn’t even occur to most people that it could be something that would be acknowledged.

I would have been delighted if someone had taken DD for her first shoes, she screamed blue murder at every shoe fitting for two years! Definitely not a photo opportunity, tbh I never thought of it like that, DH didn’t take a day off work any more than when I took her for her first haircut, she screamed then too.😂.
The only thing I remember about the day was that they were startrite and bloody expensive.

@Strawberrryfields yes I definitely was ecxited for some firsts with them. I guess it was just part and parcel of my parents being so involved the the kids. I didn't expect them just to do the drudgery. They deserved to do some fun stuff too. Of course I still did (and do) lots of firsts with them. I was just really grateful that if me or their dad couldn't be there for something, my parents were.

Pwoplw keep on talking aboit the village and expect free childcare yet want to own their children and be controlling like children are their object

I tak grandparents and othet relatives wanting to do things with children as a positive not a negative thing

i would have been very upset too (pregnant or not). The timing and lack of thought was very insensitive and an intentional over step by your MIL. Although I would be upset with DH for allowing this. Please don’t minimize your feelings due to pregnancy. This was not okay.

I say this as someone who took their third child for their first shows this week and had to ensure not only my husband was there but his brothers too as they were so excited!

I would have been upset. They could have at least asked if you minded. Apart from the ‘first-ness’, it was the secrecy in doing so ( obviously planned as other family members were there) and the fact that it was a family outing (mil and sil) and they excluded you.

It's not a milestone thing for me but I'd have been furious and returned them, because I don't want my children wearing hard narrow Clarks shoes. They only have barefoot shoes for foot health and I carefully researched the best ones, none of which were Clarks or similar high street shops. My husband knew this thanks to me banging on about it!

I saw a post on here where a mother was equally ‘devastated’ because her mother-in-law had allowed her four month baby out on the lawn. And thus she had missed her baby’s ’first time being on grass’. I raised an eyebrow at that.

It appears that OP isn’t really over this, although she thinks maybe she should be.