Should I be wary of DD’s friend? or is it normal 11 year old behaviour?

[WorriedaboDD]

I could really do with some advice from parents who have been through this. Please some advice:

My daughter is 11, has just finished Year 6, and is about to start secondary school. There's one friendship in particular that's been on my mind. I'll call her friend Tina. They'll be going to the same secondary school and even be in the same form class, so I know they'll probably stay close.

The thing I'm struggling with is that Tina seems to tell her mum absolutely EVERYTHING, including things about my daughter. Everytime I bump into Tina's mum, she tells me something my daughter has apparently said or done that I knew nothing about! I always leave those conversations feeling a bit deflated and wondering why my daughter doesn't open up to me like that. I know every child is different, but I can't help feeling a little sad about it.

I also have this nagging worry that my daughter might be sharing private things about home with Tina, and then Tina is going home, telling her mum, and possibly gossiping about it to other people. Her mum has said a few things to me and asked me questions in a tone that suggests she knows things going on with myself and DH. I have told DD she shouldn’t share things going on at home with others.

The other thing is, I sometimes feel like Tina is a bit of a stirrer. My daughter has never, not once, come home gossiping or telling me things about Tina, yet Tina seems to go home and tell her mum every little thing my daughter has done or said. I don't know if she's just naturally chatty, if I'm being oversensitive, or if it's something I should be paying attention to.

I really don't want to be unfair or label an 11-year-old, and maybe this is completely normal at their age. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Is this just how some children are, or would it make you a bit uneasy too? My DD seems very naive and innocent compared to this girl. It’s not even that she does t share with me but I feel in DD’s mind she doesn’t remember or deem it worthy of telling me things Tina has said or done.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach this, especially with them starting secondary school. Would you just leave it alone and let them find their own way, or is there anything you would do differently?

My adult daughter is autistic and really struggles with knowing what to keep quiet and what to share. She tells me everything, including what her friends have told her. She doesn't mean to gossip, she just gets it wrong when working out where the line is.
The difference is that I never let on to any of these people what I know unless it's necessary (it's only been necessary once).

Tina's mum shouldn't be sharing unless absolutely necessary.

Whilst I can understand your concerns, my thoughts will probably feel critical to you, but they’re not meant to be.

Please don’t ever tell your children that there are things at home they can’t talk about to their friends, it’s a massive safeguarding issue. If something is going on at home, it’s a good thing if your daughter feels safe to discuss it. When my husband was off with work related depression my son told a couple of friends, and later told me he’d done it and was that ok. I was just so pleased he had good enough friends to talk to.

My children confide in me a lot. I know who has tried vapes, snus, drugs etc. I know who has covered for who at school to back one another up to avoid detention. But my children know I keep my mouth shut, unless it’s a safeguarding issue and then I tell the school safeguarding lead and tell them there’s no debate.

Your problem is the mum. Sounds like she’s passing on all the gossip. So, either, stop seeing her and you won’t know. Or find a way to tell her that what children say, stays between children unless it’s serious.

Although I’d want to have a conversation with my daughter, I’d hate to ruin the friendship at the moment. Maybe keep a watching brief. Or ask her about what you’ve heard back from the mum, let her join the dots herself that her conversations are being repeated.

The mother sounds toxic.

Pull away.
I hope you and your DH sort things out and you get some help for your anxiety.
11 year old girls chat shit and it extends into their teens. The worst ones are those with shit stirring mothers.

You need to be circumspect and so does your daughter.
Speak to the HoY, email, and request they aren't in the same form.
I believe research shows that the y6 friendships carried into secondary are history by Christmas.

Her DM is a bigger weirdo saying these things to you. I know a lot of things you DD and her friendships, their home life etc, I would never dream of repeating it.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

What are snus?

And what is a "watching brief"? - presumably you just mean to keep an eye on it?

This.

And all these posters saying Tina shouldn’t be speaking to her mum… fuck that.

It’s her MUM. She is 11!!

Of course she shouldn’t be discouraged from talking to her!!!

I think the crux of the issue here isn't what your daughter has told her friend. Its that deep down you know yoyr daughter is witnessing things she shouldnt, at home, and the thought she might tell her friend is making you feel ashamed and 'caught out'.

The way to solve this isn't to jump to petty behaviour like disliking her friend (which is clearly rooted in your fear of being 'found out' by the other mum is her daughter tells her things).

They way to solve it is to ensure your daughter isnt witnessing you and your husband arguing to that extent that she might tell her friend.

Be honest with yourself i doubt its just a bit of sniping with you and her dad - most kids will have witnessed their parents having the odd cross word in moments of frustration eg those moments you have a bit of a row in the car while lost trying to find the turning for the holiday park, or when you are running late trying to get out of the house and the occasional cross snappy comments happen.

It wouldnt worry me at all if my daughter told her mate 'mummy got really cross at daddy when we were late and he was watching videos on his phone' because come on thats a totally normal situation.

I suspect the reason you are worried and defensive is because its more than just a but of sniping and deep down you know there are bigger problems at home that you need to face head on.

Stop arguing in front of your daughter.

I have four daughters, two of them tell me all sorts, 2 of them don't. It's not that they don't trust me or won't tell me things but it's just not in their nature, they just have different personalities.

Tina is a gossip.

She has learned this behaviour from her mum, who’s a gossip.

Tina feeds her mum gossip in order to please her or mirror her behaviour for approval.

Your daughter has not cottoned on to this yet. She may even embellish stories or exaggerate situations in order to feed Tina’s voracious appetite for gossip. So nothing is off limits - if you correct your daughter for (eg) not putting away laundry, this non-event is hoovered up as gossip.

I think you need to sit your daughter down not in a ‘you’re not allowed to discuss your home life’ way but in a ‘do you understand what happens to information if you share it with someone who treats it as shareable news?’ way.

Totally get it OP. Very similar happened to my DD a few years ago as she was starting Y7. As it happens, my DD got fed up of her gossipy friend and they are no longer close at all. She actually became quite a toxic , unkind friend and tittle tattled to her mum about everyone and anyone (all very one sided of course) Hopefully for your DD , there will be hundreds of other friends to choose from at secondary school and the emphasis won’t be on your family any longer. It feels very intrusive and suffocating to think another family know every minutiae of your life.

@SallyDraperGetInHere spot on!

Many 11 year olds do tend to chat away to their mums, I’m not sure they’ve learned that much discretion. It’s hard to tell without knowing examples.

The one who should know better and show some tact is the Mum.

“I have told DD she shouldn’t share things going on at home with others.”

Leaving the issue with this friend aside, no 11 year old should have stuff happening at home that she couldn’t share with her best friends. This is a dodgy path to be going down

she's a frenemy, we all meet one and learn from them. And the mother I guess is her 'best friend' until she isn't. A pattern as old as time.

But if you live a boring life what is there to be worried about?

You do seem really worried that 'secrets' are going to 'get out'. I think you need to focus on having less stuff going on in your life that you feel ashamed about people knowing.

Genuinely i cant think of anything 'embarrassing' my daughter might tell her friends about me or our home? She might say 'my mums been sleeping in the spare room while its so warm as she says daddy makes her too warm'.... So what? Im not embarrassed by it. Probably everyone with the luxury of a spare room is doing it in this bastard heat!

I think you really need to take an inward look at what you are really worried others are going to find out, and why you feel this shame /embarrassment

Are you saying ND like a bad thing? Maybe she likes and trusts her mum and your daughter....doesn't 🤷‍♀️

Honestly OP. Cop on.

You learn that your daughter has been struggling with tensions in the home, and your first reaction is to try and cut off her off from the person she confided in?

Has it ever occurred to you (or indeed other people posting here) that your DDs friend didn’t know how to cope with the information and therefore told her mother?
This girl might be the best friend your daughter ever met.

To me, it sounds like the other mum is enjoying repeating your own business back to you and even more so if there’s a chance it’s something DD divulged to her friend that you might not be aware of. Some people love being ‘first to know’ even when it’s not their business to tell.

I would be as annoyed as you in this situation OP, and think people like that are best brought back down to earth if you make them uncomfortable. Maybe the next time she does it, say “why are you telling me that?” Or “yes, I know” in a matter of fact way. Hopefully it would embarrass her enough to stop or at least dial it down.

I agree

The mum is in the wrong. She shouldn't repeat these things back to you, or make any reference to them.

The friendship sounds normal to me. I used to tell my best friend absolutely everything, no matter if my parents told me not to or not. She knew about every family drama, my every thought and feeling, and just about my life in intimate detail. She shared the same with me. This was someone I'd known since nursery and was basically my sister (lived on the same street and went to her house every day after school). I defo told my mum some secrets and random tidbits, and I know my friend did too. We are still best friends as adults, and honestly she's still the person I share everything with, be it arguments with my wife or what antics my cats and child have been up to! We still share each other's family drama aged 32 😂

I would not get involved in this other than to maybe tell the mum to stop telling you this information.

Tina isn't willfully traitorous, not a good friend, etc. They are 11 and it's not that deep. At that age I wouldn't even have considered telling my mum as breaking my friend's trust, because it was my mum, not another friend. I think you just tell your mum stuff knowing it will never go anywhere and because frankly you don't see your mum as relevant to your social life!! Your mum is just an outside perspective and someone you can share with without any comeback from it.

Defo the mum who is in the wrong.

I think you've missed the point

I think to be honest OP you are blaming Tina quite a lot for the fact your DD told her something about something you did.

Yes, she told her mum, but DD told her and you did the thing being told. I'm not sure why this is all on Tina in your mind.

Yes, I guess watching brief is similar to keeping an eye on it. I think it’s quite a normal term. In fact AI tells me it began in the 1810s, which I didn’t know.

Snus is some sort of nicotine pouch which you put between your lip and mouth to absorb nicotine. Personally I think it’s horrible and I understand that some teens gums are rotting from it.

Exactly. I also think you’re envious of the relationship between your daughter’s friend and her mother and wish your daughter perhaps is more open with you?

My daughter is 10 and tells me everything that goes on with her and her friends. I can imagine this won’t last as it is now, but I always show an interest so that she feels she is being listened to.

It sounds like your daughter may be worried about her parents and the sniping that’s going on. It’s possibly making her really anxious. This isn’t something she would necessarily share with you - I have been in her position.

Sorry Nrtft but I have met children like this. In most cases it’s because they have one or more gossipy parents. I also think children this age can definitely have personalities you want your children to avoid.

my DDs friend all way through reception was like this and was in the same form as my dd at their small high school. I saw her for exactly what she was, her mother in the making, a woman no other parent liked. I warned my dd to not to trust this girl and not be surprised if she dropped her at high school. Surprise surprise from the day they finished year 6 my dd didn’t see her for dust. Sadly the other girl ended up dominating my DDs other close friend and dd lost her too which she wasn’t prepared for this hurt her far more than the best friend she knew not to trust.

i think going into high school is a good time to sit your DCs down and talk to them about friendships changing, over sharing, not all children keep confidences and so on…I’ve made it clear to my DDs that during high school there is a lot of change and movement in friends and it’s good to have confident but to be careful what you choose to share.

i grew up in a home that if me or my siblings said anything about our home life we would have been in so much trouble… and pain. Luckily our family wasn’t abusive or had bad secrets to hide as such, but many families do so I don’t like saying to children you can’t talk about things that happen at home. With my DDs I’ve always encouraged them not to have secrets from us and that it’s good if they feel safe talking to other “safe” adults if they can’t talk to us, but then again there is a fine line between personal info and secretive info. Over time they have learnt what’s appropriate to share and what’s not.

Most importantly they have learnt to be careful what they share as high school kids can turn very quickly on their friends.

My DD is like Tina - she tells me everything that her friends tell her about their home life. I think it's completely normal? We're very close and I think it's a good thing that she can tell me anything. What I would never do, is go telling that stuff to anyone else, and my DD doesn't go blabbing this stuff round to anyone, just to me.

TBF the only bad thing she's mentioned about any of her friends parents, is one Mum who is almost certainly an alcoholic, which I absolutely would not have known if DD hadn't told me. That same mother is also very controlling, again, wouldn't have known. I can see both her children leaving home at 18, ditching all the forced hobbies they do and having very little to do with their Mum. And then she'll be on here wondering where she went wrong and why aren't her children speaking to her?