Should I be wary of DD’s friend? or is it normal 11 year old behaviour?

[WorriedaboDD]

I could really do with some advice from parents who have been through this. Please some advice:

My daughter is 11, has just finished Year 6, and is about to start secondary school. There's one friendship in particular that's been on my mind. I'll call her friend Tina. They'll be going to the same secondary school and even be in the same form class, so I know they'll probably stay close.

The thing I'm struggling with is that Tina seems to tell her mum absolutely EVERYTHING, including things about my daughter. Everytime I bump into Tina's mum, she tells me something my daughter has apparently said or done that I knew nothing about! I always leave those conversations feeling a bit deflated and wondering why my daughter doesn't open up to me like that. I know every child is different, but I can't help feeling a little sad about it.

I also have this nagging worry that my daughter might be sharing private things about home with Tina, and then Tina is going home, telling her mum, and possibly gossiping about it to other people. Her mum has said a few things to me and asked me questions in a tone that suggests she knows things going on with myself and DH. I have told DD she shouldn’t share things going on at home with others.

The other thing is, I sometimes feel like Tina is a bit of a stirrer. My daughter has never, not once, come home gossiping or telling me things about Tina, yet Tina seems to go home and tell her mum every little thing my daughter has done or said. I don't know if she's just naturally chatty, if I'm being oversensitive, or if it's something I should be paying attention to.

I really don't want to be unfair or label an 11-year-old, and maybe this is completely normal at their age. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Is this just how some children are, or would it make you a bit uneasy too? My DD seems very naive and innocent compared to this girl. It’s not even that she does t share with me but I feel in DD’s mind she doesn’t remember or deem it worthy of telling me things Tina has said or done.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach this, especially with them starting secondary school. Would you just leave it alone and let them find their own way, or is there anything you would do differently?

Are there things going on with you and DH? If not, then your DD can't have said anything and the other mum must just be poking around.

I don't think you can control a relationship between two y6 y7 girls

Also I want to add I feel dread as the girls grow up and become teenagers I can imagine Tina telling her mum things which I rather not know! I feel kids as teenagers should have some secrets like we did as teenagers. I’m sure no one reading this would want their teenage behaviours shared to their mums by a classmate telling her mum - did anyone experience this? Am I thinking too much? I have a feeling Tina might be ND, I’ve always thought this but obviously I wouldn’t say this to the mum. I feel conflicted in that I’m glad the mum is telling me things but at same time I worry of Tina continues spilling everyone of DD’s secrets as they grow up.

Can you give some examples of things the mum has said?

Yes we’ve been fighting and sniping at each other. I know we shouldn’t argue in front of DD but I’m sorry she’s heard it I really am. I feel so ashamed

I think you don't blame your dd or tina or the mum. You look at why your dd is sharing this stuff and maybe put more time with dd so she opens up with you.

I get where you're coming from, it would make me feel a littlw uneasy but i think you just need to leave them to it. I don't think it's great to tell your DD not to share things with her friends.
Could be wrong but I would bet it's the mum who is the nosey one and just asks her DD lots of questions about everyone to get all the gossip rather than the girl just freely telling her mum all about what your dd says.

This is what's actually bothering you, you're embarrassed the mum might know you've been rowing with your husband.

The only thing I can think is a problem here for your daughter is that her friend clearly tells her mum everything, so your daughter should maybe bear that in mind in case she wants something to be completely between them. Otherwise it sounds like her friend has a close relationship with her mum, which is nice, and your daughter obviously feels able to talk to her friend, which is also nice. There's nothing in their friendship I think you need to be wary of, and to tell your daughter she's not allowed to talk about what's going on at home in her life is unfair, IMO.

If your problem is that things that are affecting your daughter are making its way to other people because she's talking about them that's your issue to solve, not the friend's.

I think this is on the mum. She didn’t need to say anything to you. Sounds rude and gossipy.

It's so damaging and toxic to tell a child not to talk about things that go on at home. This is how mental health issues, eating disorders, self harm and abuse stay hidden for so long. Your daughter has found a friend who she can talk to about things, BE GRATEFUL. It's not her friends fault that she has a close bond with her mother and tells her everything, that's what it should be like.

I think most year 7’s change their friendship group within the first few months, even if they are in the same form, so it might not be a long term issue.

Do you think it might be different communication styles and personalities? Your family have your way and your DD’s friend and her mum have a different style. Neither is right or wrong.

Right now I feel I can’t as I’m worried about being identifying I might post later but think of things 11 year olds say - it’s nothing crazy or inappropriate but just what 11 year olds talk about. It’s nothing shocking but I felt she’s sharing things she shouldn’t.

I have even heard things about other girls in the class from Tina’s mum which im not happy about. There’s lots of girls I was hoping DD would keep in contact t with as they going different schools but now I’m not too sure.

No I genuinely thing it’s Tina telling the mum not the mum asking her as I’ve seen this myself at pick ups Tina will go into detail about everything and everyone.

Honestly the mum sounds like the weird one here. Why is she telling you everything she knows? Unless it was something that you need to know (DD in danger etc) I can’t see why she’s bringing up gossip she’s heard from her own child about you

It’s one of the things bothering me but main one is I don’t feel Tina is a good friend d and as the girls become teenagers Tina will share private things and my daughter is very innocent she’s not clever in the way some girls are if you know what I mean

Telling your DD not to discuss her home life with anyone is awful - of course she should be able to talk to her friends (and their parents if she feels like she wants to).

It sounds like you’re embarrassed that your domestic issues have gotten out but really the issue is that your DD is aware of the fighting and sniping in the first place, not that she’s comfortable talking about it to others.

This may be blunt but if you supply ammunition you can't complain your daughter uses it.

Having read your updates, there's obviously more going on here. . . Things aren't great between you and DH, DD has picked up on this, she's talking to her friend about it. Tina has said something to her mum, maybe intentionally because they're close, maybe in passing. Tina's mum is a nosey gossip who now she has wind of this, asks Tina daily what your DD is saying and if there's any more goss. I wouldn't like this but you need to look at the bigger picture here, forget about gossiping wendy. Your DD needs support, you need to sort things with your DH or seperate. It's good she has a friend to talk to, definitley don't tell DD to stop confinding in Tina, even if it does mean half the village know your business 🙈

I have adult DD’s and one about to start year 6. Both my adult DD’s tell me a lot about their friends lives but both know I’d never dream of repeating it. My younger dd has never told me anything about her friends parents personal lives and if she did I wouldn’t repeat it to the parents.
I agree with a pp, you’re embarrassed the mum knows you’ve been arguing with your DH which I get, I would be too.
I think you and DH need to be mindful about having arguments in front of your DD

I get what you saying but I don’t feel Tina is a good friend as I’ve been thinking of the behaviour that bothers me and I remembered she has told me things going on with others plus her own family. Nothing juicy, well not to me anyway, but I did feel uncomfortable and just got on with housework as I felt I shouldn’t be hearing this!

Ashamed? God almighty, people do argue in life, its normal to some degree. Obviously if its out of hand thats different.

Please re read the OP! I don’t know if DD has told her anything about my marriage! It’s just the mother has hinted by asking if I’m okay.

BUT I DO KNOW that Tina has shared private things about DD (nothing to do with DH and I) with her mum and her mum has told me about it

There's a couple of aspects to this - the fact DD's friend tells her mum things AND the fact the mum then shares this with you.

I agree with a PP that you should make your DD aware so she can decide how much she is happy getting back to her friends mum and to you!

I think the most "at fault" here is the mum. There is no need for her to be gossiping back to you about your daughter. Come off as shit stirring/power play. I would also suspect she is fuelling the sharing from her daughter.

I don't recommend overthinking or engineering things with Tina. The friendship will most likely settle or split over the next year or so. Just keep communication channels open with your daughter. Find ways to check in with her. Don't compare with Tina and her mum. That doesn't sound particularly healthy either.

That's your problem, not the children's. It's good that your child has a friend who doesn't keep your secrets - it's a vital protective factor in cases of children being subjected to seeing or hearing domestic abuse or violence, for example.

I am hoping you aren't actually seeing the child as a threat because you're trying to cover up something that would be taken seriously by the DSL and Social Services, of course, but it's not unheard of.