Should I be wary of DD’s friend? or is it normal 11 year old behaviour?

[WorriedaboDD]

I could really do with some advice from parents who have been through this. Please some advice:

My daughter is 11, has just finished Year 6, and is about to start secondary school. There's one friendship in particular that's been on my mind. I'll call her friend Tina. They'll be going to the same secondary school and even be in the same form class, so I know they'll probably stay close.

The thing I'm struggling with is that Tina seems to tell her mum absolutely EVERYTHING, including things about my daughter. Everytime I bump into Tina's mum, she tells me something my daughter has apparently said or done that I knew nothing about! I always leave those conversations feeling a bit deflated and wondering why my daughter doesn't open up to me like that. I know every child is different, but I can't help feeling a little sad about it.

I also have this nagging worry that my daughter might be sharing private things about home with Tina, and then Tina is going home, telling her mum, and possibly gossiping about it to other people. Her mum has said a few things to me and asked me questions in a tone that suggests she knows things going on with myself and DH. I have told DD she shouldn’t share things going on at home with others.

The other thing is, I sometimes feel like Tina is a bit of a stirrer. My daughter has never, not once, come home gossiping or telling me things about Tina, yet Tina seems to go home and tell her mum every little thing my daughter has done or said. I don't know if she's just naturally chatty, if I'm being oversensitive, or if it's something I should be paying attention to.

I really don't want to be unfair or label an 11-year-old, and maybe this is completely normal at their age. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Is this just how some children are, or would it make you a bit uneasy too? My DD seems very naive and innocent compared to this girl. It’s not even that she does t share with me but I feel in DD’s mind she doesn’t remember or deem it worthy of telling me things Tina has said or done.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach this, especially with them starting secondary school. Would you just leave it alone and let them find their own way, or is there anything you would do differently?

Exactly, your daughter needs a friend who can understand social boundaries, this one cant.

It is so common for children just to say 'fine' about their day and now share much detail with their family and their friends to obviously know more as they were there and share more with their parents about their friends than about themselves. I have found out things from my daughter's friend's mum about her day / how she is getting on at school and vice versa. In this case, it could be odd that they would share so much family info especially if the mum wants to share that information / use in conversation with you. It's emotionally easier to share random info/ other people's stories that your own personal stories.nThey may just be the chatterbox sharey type or the mother is probing your child for family info. Some weirdos / nosey people do this especially if she appears to relish sharing it with you.

Apart from the arguing and the “business” you don’t want shared?

She should be angry at Tina for blabbing her secrets! Once they hit secondary age they really have to choose their own friends but you can guide them by pointing out bad behaviour, asking how someone makes them feel etc. You need to tell your dd to be more selective about what she tells Tina, and explain why with examples.

It’s not odd at all. Some kids just like to chat. Mine hasn’t ever done the “fine” thing about her day at school.

Gosh you're funny! 🤣 so sorry I’m the first woman in history to argue with my husband. I still don’t know what “business of my marriage” Tina’s mum knows as if you read my OP I don’t have a clue but she’s asked me “are you ok” in a tone that suggests she thinks I’m not.

She can’t? Or she’s only 11 and is still learning? I’ve had 2 11 year old girls, they don’t have life and friendships all figured out. They still need guidance and support re friendships. Most adults haven’t got it all figured out either. Writing off an 11 year old because she’s still learning how to navigate friendships and boundaries is pretty shit.

Thank you. Can you give me advice on what I should tell DD regarding how to choose good friends.

I have one who says ‘fine’, and one who tells me everything that has happened from the minute she arrives at school until the minute she leaves!

What are you hiding.

How did you get her to be open with you? I don’t want DD telling me everything but I would like her to tell me anything bothering her and when she’s upset

Tell her the truth: she is a Chatty Cathy and is telling her mummy all your private information. Tell her to only save it with very close friends who won't do that. And make it clear that you are always here to talk and would not breach her confidence unless it was needed to keep her safe.

It’s just her personality. She figures things out in her head by talking about them/asking for my advice.

It doesn't mean this person isn't a good friend.

Thats fine, she doesnt need OPs daughter to be her test though does she

No one is obliged to be someones friend. OPs daughter needs to protect herself and if her current friend is blabbing about her, then thats not good for her. Its not for OPs daughter to be some soft of support human for this child.

@WorriedaboDD My eldest DS16 is ND. He has always told me EVERYTHING- stupid things friends/others do and also if he has done something himself. He can not keep a secret. He's very anxious so I think he needs to share. Maybe Tina is the same? I suspect her mum is ND as well because I would never ever repeat anything my son has told me unless I absolutely have to (abuse or other).

Absolutely do tell your daughter that Tina will tell her mum EVERYTHING. If it's like my son there is nothing malicious to it- he just has to share. I know who has smoked/ tried alcohol/ stolen sweets/said inappropriate things. I see it as an opportunity to talk to my son about these things in a non judgmental way - asking what he thinks about it and if he sees any danger before giving him my opinion. He knows I wouldn't repeat what he said to his friends. If I did he wouldn't have any friends anymore 😅.

Not as streetwise as Tina?

The OP’s daughter seems to like her though. The OP hasn’t indicted that she feels obliged to be her friend, more that she chooses to.
What makes you think the OP’s daughter is being a ‘support human’ to this girl? What support is she providing to her? The OP hasn’t mentioned anything like that, just that they’re friends.

Yes! Thats the word I was trying to find. How can you teach a child to be streetwise?

Honestly, it's so easy to fear the worst. "Tina" may turn out to be a right little cow, she may also turn out to be the best friend your daughter has ever had. Try not to spend her childhood worrying, before you know it she'll be an adult and you'll have wasted all that time. Just enjoy the best boys of her, get to know Tina, it may be that if you have her around you and your daughter, it might encourage your daughter to speak to you more once she knows mum's just a normal person. My oldest is 18 and honestly he tells me more than I care to know at times 🤮but I'd rather that than nothing all. Be kind to yourself love x

Thank you so much for your insight! It makes sense if she is ND she might process her thoughts like your DS does. It’s very kind of you not to repeat things back to the parents, I just find it cruel that she told me because I didn’t need to know!

Yes, her mum has behaved very poorly in repeating these things to you.

I mean it sounds like you need to talk to your own DD more and try your best to avoid arguing and snipes between you and your DH in front of her. You can't control what DD talks about to her friend. You and your DH can control what type of home environment she grows up in.

Maybe she doesn't feel the need to tell you anything. Also, if what's bothering her is you and her dad fighting she might not dare tell you? Maybe start by talking about it yourself : "I'm sorry you had to hear me and dad fighting- I know it's not nice having to listen to that. How do you feel about it?"

Also "If you could change 3 things in your life , small or big, what would that be?"
You can also tell her about what you found hard when you were here age so that she gets that you have been young yourself and might actually understand her.

Thank you! Amazing advice I can’t worry about everything as my DD will be a grown up in a blink of an eye.