Should I be wary of DD’s friend? or is it normal 11 year old behaviour?

[WorriedaboDD]

I could really do with some advice from parents who have been through this. Please some advice:

My daughter is 11, has just finished Year 6, and is about to start secondary school. There's one friendship in particular that's been on my mind. I'll call her friend Tina. They'll be going to the same secondary school and even be in the same form class, so I know they'll probably stay close.

The thing I'm struggling with is that Tina seems to tell her mum absolutely EVERYTHING, including things about my daughter. Everytime I bump into Tina's mum, she tells me something my daughter has apparently said or done that I knew nothing about! I always leave those conversations feeling a bit deflated and wondering why my daughter doesn't open up to me like that. I know every child is different, but I can't help feeling a little sad about it.

I also have this nagging worry that my daughter might be sharing private things about home with Tina, and then Tina is going home, telling her mum, and possibly gossiping about it to other people. Her mum has said a few things to me and asked me questions in a tone that suggests she knows things going on with myself and DH. I have told DD she shouldn’t share things going on at home with others.

The other thing is, I sometimes feel like Tina is a bit of a stirrer. My daughter has never, not once, come home gossiping or telling me things about Tina, yet Tina seems to go home and tell her mum every little thing my daughter has done or said. I don't know if she's just naturally chatty, if I'm being oversensitive, or if it's something I should be paying attention to.

I really don't want to be unfair or label an 11-year-old, and maybe this is completely normal at their age. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Is this just how some children are, or would it make you a bit uneasy too? My DD seems very naive and innocent compared to this girl. It’s not even that she does t share with me but I feel in DD’s mind she doesn’t remember or deem it worthy of telling me things Tina has said or done.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach this, especially with them starting secondary school. Would you just leave it alone and let them find their own way, or is there anything you would do differently?

This sounds perfectly normal at that age, for some boys as well as girls. Things I know, that I probably shouldn't, from my 12 year old son include the following: that someone's older sister is accidently pregnant and isn't planning on telling the dad. Which parents argue lots or are in marriage counselling. A whole bunch of diagnoses for friends and family of friends. Who hates who, who drinks too much, and who is struggling financially 🤷🏼‍♀️

In My first year of uni I had a friend like this, she would spend two hours on the phone to her mom every night and you think wow that’s amazing but her mum was extremely controlling with the info, hated everyone and there was things I didn’t want her mum to know that I had told my friend in confidence. Her mum would also get really annoyed with her if she didn’t tell her things or call her. From your post it’s now obvious to me how this starts.

Perhaps she’s concerned for the OP’s daughter.

I know I’d be concerned if my child told me “My friend X’ told me today her mum and dad keep shouting at each other and it’s making X upset”

I’d hardly call it “gossip”.

There are two things here... You're worried because you and H are scrapping in front of your child and you're embarrassed because she is potentially repeating it. And two, you're jealous of the fact that 'Tina' talks to her Mum in a way your DD does not talk to you. I think the issue is with the person you see in the mirror, not with an indiscreet 11 year old who barely has a concept of how to be discreet.

If Tina has shared private things with her mum that your dd has told her, I’d probably let her know. It sounds like Tina and her mother are gossips and so Tina is not a safe person to confide in.

my dd tells me all kind of things about her friends and their parents but I wouldn’t ever spread that round of relay it back to the parents.

Could it possibly be the other mum is genuinely reaching out to see if you’re ok and your shame at someone knowing life isn’t rosey becomes turning this into a problem with an 11 year old child?

I think it’s great this girl is open with her mother and that isn’t the problem here and from what you’ve said the mum asking if you’re ok isn’t really a problem either because maybe she has genuine concern for you. The problem is that your behaviour is causing your daughter to turn to others for support and not you.

I think perhaps this information leaving the privacy of your house has put your and your husbands behaviours up to a mirror and instead of considering that your daughter is getting upset and traumatised by whats going on and has a friend she is comfortable offloading to, youre deciding the friend and her mother are the bad ones. Really you need to wonder if you and your husbands behaviours are the inappropriate ones.

I don't think Tina is the problem, it's fine IMO for an 11yo to tell their parent everything should they wish, but her mum is maybe foolish and showing poor judgement for talking to you about it.

Maybe she just assumes your DD has the same conversations with you and she just wants to bond over the funny things your dds share eg fancying boys?

Kindly, I would find support from the GP about your anxiety if you haven’t already. You can self refer to Talking Therapies if you are in England.

Your daughter will mature as she gets older and will learn who she can trust and who she can’t.

Don’t get too involved in your child’s dramas and friendships. Unless they get really out of hand, which at the moment it doesn’t seem like they are?

If Tina or her mum tell you some information or “gossip” you don’t want to hear the you need to be blunt and say you don’t care and then change the subject.

I agree. But it's the summer holidays and Tina's mum might not realise that the DSL/Safeguarding staff at the new secondary are contactable as well as those at the primary school.

You really can't, anxiety had me in a chokehold for years, don't let it consume you. That girl of yours will be your best friend one day 🥰 xx

It’s quite normal for young girls (and boys) to talk about what is going on in their friends lives to their parent. Less normal for the parent to upfront repeat it though.

You are being so weird about this @WorriedaboDD.

Tina can tell her mum anybtinf she wants. What she can’t do is tell her mum something she doesn’t know.

It’s your child telling Tina things.
and it’s Tina’s mum relaying this back to you.

My daughter tells me everything… I wouldn’t dream of repeating any of it back to someone’s parent.

This isn’t Tina’s fault…

I don’t think it’s that unusual for Tina to tell her mum these things. I do think it is a bit odd that her mum then mentions them to you, especially if it’s stuff like you arguing with your DH. Unless you and Tina’s mum are close or she was concerned for you, I have no clue why she would mention it to you, it’s inappropriate.

As an aside, don’t tell your daughter not to talk about things that happen at home. That’s potentially really harmful.

Your dd will probably have brand new friends by Xmas anyway.

If you think your daughter isn't streetwise and is starting secondary school soon, it might be wise to have a general conversation about being a bit circumspect in what she says to people. She'll be meeting lots of new kids who may or may not spread gossip so she possibly needs to realise that private things she confides in someone may be spread. It's also a chance to talk more widely about not sharing private photos etc. Just a thought to make it a wider chat?

Tell Tina something absolutely ridiculous and see if it gets back to you
like a “wagatha Christie” style made up event or something 😂

By talking to her, but you said you can't 🤷🏻

How else do you let someone else can we make people aware of things? Writing it down? Telepathy?

It sounds like you are afraid of talking openly with your daughter, which is so strange and sad.

I agree with PPs that you should tell DD what you've heard, even if it is embarrassing, because she should get angry with Tina and she should be protecting herself more. I would tell her she should be careful about who she trusts with information, some people cannot be trusted and she shouldn't share anything she doesn't want to be told to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. At school I and a friend who told everyone everything, she just wanted people to like her and thought that was a good way of winning people over. It wasn't as any adult could have guessed. If I was close to the mum I would also have a word myself with Tina's mum and suggest she encourages Tina to think about information she should share and information she shouldn't as this could affect her friendships in future. But probably best avoided in the situation you've just described, better to warn DD.

There’s so much to unpack in your messages. I think you need some therapy to deal with your anxiety and shame that you’re feeling over very normal conversations.

Of course teens and pre-teens talk about home lives and of course that travels. Your DD and her friend are growing up and making sense of the world around them. A huge part of that is talking about life to their friends.

It’s just you seem awfully concerned about what the other child’s mother might be hearing.

I had a passive aggressive comment from my best friends mum, when we were in our 20s. I had a strange feeling and then I asked my friend if she talked to her mum about me....turns out this best friend had been sharing everything I told her about my personal, family and dating life with her mum. I barely knew her and god knows who this woman was telling everything about me to. I thought I was talking just to my friend. She was an only child and they had an enmeshed relationship. I didn't know any of this at the time, I just knew I had to end the friendship. I didn't feel safe any longer.

I would be making clear to my daughter that everything she tells her friend is probably being shared with her mother and to only tell her things she's happy to have out in the community. 11 years old is old enough to understand this.

100% this...
If it is bothering your DD enough for her to mention it to a friend, I'd be pleased she had someone to confide in.

Tina telling her mum everything is not an issue and sounds like jealousy is at play here. Its not like Tina is spreading rumours about your DD amongst their peer groups. She is just telling her mum the things that are important to her. Your DD is obviously important to Tina for her to talk about her at home.

I keep a close ear out when my DD talk about her friends or when they talk to me if I am looking after them. I grew up in a house with alcohol abuse and DV, I was told to keep quite about "things at home" I absolutely would be trying to help if one of DD's friends were in a similar position.

You have to teach children that things in the home are private, obviously safety concerns are different.
Only share information with outsiders that you are happy with everyone knowing.
Talk to DD about over sharing. It could be used against her.
As far as telling her parent everything, some DC are like that. DD 17 is very open, shares her day, her worries, no issue asking for advice, DS wouldn’t tell you anything.

Mine is y5-6 but I am told everything by mine and I like it that way. No holding back, no fear of me judging it just comes out.

The difference is, anything I hear about others stays with me regardless of what it is otherwise it can come back on dc and that’s not fair.

Maybe Tina tells her mum so she can try to make sense of things or have guidance like mine?

The issue is what the mum is doing with the information- then showing Tina it’s ok to tell everyone.
Mine doesn’t tell anyone other than me things that are personal to others. I hope it continues as I always want to be there for them as one person who will never ever judge and will always have their back.

Hey. I suffer from anxiety and it was related to my children. Your anxiety is trying to target you and "project into the future".

I had so many irrational thoughts but they are very convincing.

I am not an expert and I would advise to seek some support.

I have had successful results with CBT. Worth looking up.

Exactly this!
@WorriedaboDD done mums are very gossipy and I bet she’s quizzing her daughter. I’ve been in a similar situation. The mum was very gossipy.