Should I be wary of DD’s friend? or is it normal 11 year old behaviour?

[WorriedaboDD]

I could really do with some advice from parents who have been through this. Please some advice:

My daughter is 11, has just finished Year 6, and is about to start secondary school. There's one friendship in particular that's been on my mind. I'll call her friend Tina. They'll be going to the same secondary school and even be in the same form class, so I know they'll probably stay close.

The thing I'm struggling with is that Tina seems to tell her mum absolutely EVERYTHING, including things about my daughter. Everytime I bump into Tina's mum, she tells me something my daughter has apparently said or done that I knew nothing about! I always leave those conversations feeling a bit deflated and wondering why my daughter doesn't open up to me like that. I know every child is different, but I can't help feeling a little sad about it.

I also have this nagging worry that my daughter might be sharing private things about home with Tina, and then Tina is going home, telling her mum, and possibly gossiping about it to other people. Her mum has said a few things to me and asked me questions in a tone that suggests she knows things going on with myself and DH. I have told DD she shouldn’t share things going on at home with others.

The other thing is, I sometimes feel like Tina is a bit of a stirrer. My daughter has never, not once, come home gossiping or telling me things about Tina, yet Tina seems to go home and tell her mum every little thing my daughter has done or said. I don't know if she's just naturally chatty, if I'm being oversensitive, or if it's something I should be paying attention to.

I really don't want to be unfair or label an 11-year-old, and maybe this is completely normal at their age. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Is this just how some children are, or would it make you a bit uneasy too? My DD seems very naive and innocent compared to this girl. It’s not even that she does t share with me but I feel in DD’s mind she doesn’t remember or deem it worthy of telling me things Tina has said or done.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach this, especially with them starting secondary school. Would you just leave it alone and let them find their own way, or is there anything you would do differently?

You can't - nor should you - try to manage the type of relationships and how your DD confides in her friends, however it is worth making DD aware that any conversation she has with Tina will end up getting to her mum (and potentially you), then she can make the judgement call about what she discusses.
If there are things you are not wanting to know/hear about from your daughter - you may tell Tina's mum next time something of that effect "I think that's a conversation that should stay between the girls".

That being said, as a mum of a daughter of a similar age, I try to encourage open, honest chats with either me or DH as I would hate to think there are any off-limits conversations with either of us. I think it's lovely Tina has such an open relationship with her mother, and I certainly wouldn't assume that's coming from a concerning place or ladled with ulterior motives based on what you've shared.

As it sounds like you and Dh are having issues at home, it may be DD is confiding in her friend because she has concerns, worries or anxiety about what's happening at home. If that is the case what Tina and her mum are chatting about behind closed doors are the least of your worries TBH. The focus should be on your DD's psychological safety.