Should I be wary of DD’s friend? or is it normal 11 year old behaviour?

[WorriedaboDD]

I could really do with some advice from parents who have been through this. Please some advice:

My daughter is 11, has just finished Year 6, and is about to start secondary school. There's one friendship in particular that's been on my mind. I'll call her friend Tina. They'll be going to the same secondary school and even be in the same form class, so I know they'll probably stay close.

The thing I'm struggling with is that Tina seems to tell her mum absolutely EVERYTHING, including things about my daughter. Everytime I bump into Tina's mum, she tells me something my daughter has apparently said or done that I knew nothing about! I always leave those conversations feeling a bit deflated and wondering why my daughter doesn't open up to me like that. I know every child is different, but I can't help feeling a little sad about it.

I also have this nagging worry that my daughter might be sharing private things about home with Tina, and then Tina is going home, telling her mum, and possibly gossiping about it to other people. Her mum has said a few things to me and asked me questions in a tone that suggests she knows things going on with myself and DH. I have told DD she shouldn’t share things going on at home with others.

The other thing is, I sometimes feel like Tina is a bit of a stirrer. My daughter has never, not once, come home gossiping or telling me things about Tina, yet Tina seems to go home and tell her mum every little thing my daughter has done or said. I don't know if she's just naturally chatty, if I'm being oversensitive, or if it's something I should be paying attention to.

I really don't want to be unfair or label an 11-year-old, and maybe this is completely normal at their age. I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Is this just how some children are, or would it make you a bit uneasy too? My DD seems very naive and innocent compared to this girl. It’s not even that she does t share with me but I feel in DD’s mind she doesn’t remember or deem it worthy of telling me things Tina has said or done.

I'd really appreciate any advice on how to approach this, especially with them starting secondary school. Would you just leave it alone and let them find their own way, or is there anything you would do differently?

I’d say something to your DD and warn her that absolutely everything she tells Tina goes to Tina’s mum. And they are both gossips so she might want to be careful if she doesn’t want the world to know her secrets.

No the gossip is about what DD has done in school think in terms of boys fancying etc. I’m over what she did or didn’t say about me

Why can't you sit your daughter down, tell her that Tina spills the gossip to her mum and your family life - she will go off Tina in a second! Explain how careless talk sinks ships and tell your daughter not to divulge any personal information, if she does not want it used against herself. That Tina is not a friend, she is a traitor - she betrays your daughter's personal information to her mum. This is a serious issue, not for you, but for your daughter, she is exposing herself too much.

Thank you for actually understanding what I’m asking for! People are just focusing on what I THINK dd may or may not have said about me and DH fighting but not on what I’m actually asking for - the fact Tina has betrayed DD’s trust and told her mum things about DD and things going on at SCHOOL then Tina’s mum is making me sad that I didn’t know any of this about my own DD

how can I phrase it to DD without her being paranoid that I know things as Tina’s mum told me.

That’s exactly how I felt when I heard her tell me my DD’s secrets! But I didn’t want to sound crazy and start with that on here as I was worried I might get accused of being nasty towards a little girl. In all honesty I really dislike Tina and her mum. I thought her mum was nice but the look of pleasure on her face telling me!

You need to make your dd Ware id the things Tina is repeating back to her Mum. " Hey dd, I saw Tina's Mum today, she said xxxx, is that something you told Tina in confidence? Are you ok with that?"

I don’t know if I can. One might be really embarrassing for DD regarding this boy in the class. I’ve put the problems into Chat gpt but I git really useless advice to sit with my feelings etc. I was hoping I could vent on here and get some ways to approach with dd without scaring her off or making her angry at Tina

I think OP your issue is that your daughter has chosen the wrong person to confide in, its about someone who can keep her personal business personal. Not blab to all and sundry.

Talk to her!!!!!

I think this is totally normal from the perspective of the girls‘ behaviour. My dd is 13 now, but I have long known about which of her friends’ parents do coke or have a drinking problem, who is getting beaten (I reported that one), who was drinking regularly at 12, whose parents have had affairs and are just pretending to stay together for appearances. I definitely get all the gossip about boys and who has snuck out at 3am 😳 to go spend the night with a boyfriend (I told dd I would track her down and be banging on that door like an absolute psychopath if at 13 she pulled a stunt like that 🤣).

This is exactly the sort of stuff girls confide in each other about and my DD definitely comes home and tells me. The thing is, unless I was genuinely concerned for a child’s safety, I would never say anything to their parents about any of the gossip I hear. The one time I made a report to the DSL at school about a friend being abused being the exception. It sounds like it’s shit stirrer mum who is the problem.

Also sometimes they do tell each other things that are totally not true. One of my dd’s friends believes I lived in New York during 9/11. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I did live in New York. I did live in the US during 9/11. The stories have been mashed up though and now the rumour is I was there when the planes hit the towers. I wasn’t. I was like 300 miles away, so take with a grain of salt what you are hearing back as Chinese whispers. It may not have come from your dd at all. Or it may have been embellished to look good to her friends.

Is this normal for girls? I don’t know as DD hasn’t had a best friend before and this girl has been her best friend since year 5. Or maybe others are the same but the mums just haven’t told me?

My dd was/is like this tells me everything (not a good thing) but I would rarely share what she says with others mainly because its not interesting but also just because my daughter is a gob who doesn't understand privacy I do and realise not everything needs to be shared.

Most kids at 11 know what things to share and what not to share. Blabbing about who your daughter fancies and what boy has said this or that, or how she feels about her body or any number of things which are her personal business, most kids know that me and my best friend know this about each other but its our information and I dont tell other people.

If she is ND as you say she might be, she wont have the same understanding and unfortunately that makes her a poor friend for your daughter. Time to help her have better friendships

I have this fear that next time Tina comes to my home she will be judging the house and me and reporting back to her mum! I know this is ridiculous but my anxiety makes things seem worse. What will happen as the girls get older and there is ACTUALLY gossip? How do I deal with that. Those who have been thorough this how can you make your DD aware what she says or does will be reported back to others but in a way not to cause them to be anxious of their behaviour?

Well I don’t think you can say if it’s ’normal for girls’ or not, because ‘girls’ aren’t just one homogeneous group who all behave the same. Some kids share a lot, some don’t. I have one daughter who tells me everything, and one who tells me nothing.
My oversharer does sometimes tell me things about her friends (like x has a crush on y type thing) but it’s usually because she’s trying to make sense of things in her head and it’s never malicious. I wouldn’t dream of repeating any of these things to anyone though, let alone to her friends’ parents. I think the mum is the one behaving badly here. The 11 year old is 11. She’s still learning the rules about friendships and keeping confidences etc. The mum should know better.

This. And also, talk to your daughter more and try to argue with your husband in private.

Your dd will soon figure it out if she hasn't already don't restrict her on what she can and can't say.

I’m sure you’re not trying to suggest that ND children make bad friends?

I’m just find motherhood so confusing and I was under the impression life would be simple at this age but it’s anything but! She’s my eldest and I have no siblings to ask about their kids so I feel so alone in all this. My mum has passed away and I have no maternal aunts that I speak to so feel so alone dealing with these type of issues. I wish I could confide in someone in real life about this and be open tge things I’m hearing about. It’s just going to get harder as she grows up isn’t it?!!

Also is this mum sharing the private things about DD to other mums? I don’t care if she is as most kids going to a different school only a few going to DD’s new school but also this mum will also be in DD’s new school! She might start sharing our business with the new parents.

There's no rule book for parenting, and yes it is difficult. You just have to let her carve her own way and give her gentle direction when necessary. This friend is not doing the worst things, in fact you'll be grateful that she's got a little chatty patty as a mate the older she gets because you'll know who to go to when your daughter is being secretive and keeping things from you. Try and turn it into a positive, it's not that deep. She's only 11❤️

Why are you so worried about what's being shared is there something specific you're trying to hide.

I’m not trying to hide anything! I live a very boring life and DD is not exactly a secret spy she’s just a 11 year old doing 11 year old things but the fact it’s being gossiped about is making me uneasy

If it bothers your daughter that her friend feeds back things she has said, that’s for your daughter to deal with.

My daughter told me pretty much everything at that age, and it’s only really now (aged 17) she keeps some stuff to herself. I wouldn’t talk to the other kids or parents about it but I know a lot about their lives. It’s my daughter’s way of dealing with things so she understands them. I’m entirely comfortable with her talking to her friends about our home life, because largely it’s uneventful. But if she wants to bitch to her friends about how terrible we are from time to time, I’m glad she can do that. If her friends’s parents hear about it, so be it.

Thank you! That makes me feel better x