to think some people on here have no idea what 16-18 year olds are actually like?

[Twile]

I’ve noticed that some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Without fail, there are replies saying things like:

“Just stop them going.”
“Take their phone off them.”
“Ground them.”
“You’re the parent - just say no.”
“I’d never allow that”

It makes me wonder whether these people have actually parented an older teen.

A 16-18-year-old is not the same as a 10-year-old. They’re often physically bigger than you, legally have increasing autonomy, can leave the house if they choose, earn their own money and in many cases simply refuse to comply. You can’t physically force them to stay indoors, attend college, end a relationship or make sensible choices. And nor should you.

Of course boundaries still matter, and parenting doesn’t stop at 16. But the strategies change. You’re often relying on influence rather than control, and sometimes you’re choosing the least bad option rather than the ideal one.

Of course there are lots and lots of 16-18 year olds who love family time and dont drink or vape. Im pretty confident mine didnt vape he was too busy training in sport and ditto with drinking. I guess its irritating to be told im wrong about that but im not too bothered - i mean i could be. I just think im not.

But I think people just mean that if you work somewhere like a sixth form college (which i do!) , there are lots of nice kids who vape and there parents don't know.

There are kids who dont vape but the kids who do vape have parents who dont know, parents who do know and try stop it and parents who do know but dont care. Only one set in that group are experiencing difficulties and coming for advice. The ones who know and try to stop it. I guess the most useful advice they can get is from people who have tried to stop vaping and succeeded.

They are clueless. I heard a good saying which is “ask someone what they did do, not what they would do” , so basically only take advice from people who have been in your exact situation. I applied this to running a business , but it works for parenting too.

When I was 14 I was in year 9. I didn't go out late without parental permission. I never school refused. I didn't fight. Certainly didn't sneak out of windows. I knew what was expected and behaved. I was fed up mentally in other ways but came to realise I was wrong and changed my behaviour. Guess some people just parent their children effectively.

not really, the point of the OP (what she actually wrote) is that

some posters on here seem to have no idea what parenting an older teenager is actually like.
being completely out of control - staying out all night, drinking, vaping, refusing school or college, being verbally abusive, getting involved with unsuitable partners or simply refusing to follow any rules.

Plenty of people have first hand experience of parenting an older teenager or several, and what it's actually like.

Nothing remotely to do with her description.

I haven't parented teens but you must realise so much of this is temperament. Some people are incredibly strong willed, independent and reject rules and some are easy going, people pleasing and go along with whatever other people ask of them.

Yes, I agree. I think it’s rare for DC who have been brought up to understand respect and responsibility to go off the rails. Some of us are simply willing to do things that other parents are apparently not. Some of us are well aware that others think we are far too strict. In my experience setting expectations out clearly at a young age, while at the same time making sure your DC know that you will do your best to keep them safe, goes a long way to avoiding trouble.

As an Indian and someone who has experienced full through Indian parenting. Legal smacking and corporal punishment I experienced in primary school made me know the rules and what was expected. Even as i grew up the discipline instilled in me made me so I never had the desire or will to go act out and be this radical and ridiculous. None of my siblings are like this as well.

I am parenting teens and I have one of each of the types you describe so both completely different however they have grown up with rules, expectations and consequences and they are both aware of what is acceptable and what isn’t (even the strong willed independent teen!)

Yes that is what is all about. Drill into DC about respect and responsibility and it will be nigh on impossible they will go off the rails.

of course not all teens behave that way. My other three DC managed to get through the 14-16 stage without causing me any real stress.

there wasn’t enough difference between my tricky sons upbringing/parenting and that of his older and younger siblings to account for such significant difference in outcome.

of all my DC he is the smartest, most ambitious and single minded. He’s also stubborn, competitive and impatient.

he channels those traits much more appropriately as an adult but I’m sure it was personality not parenting that drove his defiance.

But you are assuming those who have kids who exhibited this behaviour did not have firm rules, do not follow through with consequences.

Why would you assume that?

Because your kids or kids you know didn't go off the rails? So your parenting was better?

Smacking kids stops them from being radical and ridiculous!

Are you just ragebaiting at this point?

Go away and find a life will you?

If you are real, then im sorry you were raised by abusive parents.

What a twattish response 🙄

That's my point though exactly. Why did you start the thread?

It was very clear what the OP meant and the the sentence you excluded from her OP:

Someone will post about their 16-18 year old being completely out of control

Not only evidences that she wasn’t talking about all teens but that you knew it too.

@Ffmffjjf, yours was a cultural specific upbringing. Very different from the culture that the OPs post comes from and none of us in the 21st century would endorse corporal punishment, would we?

One cultures corporal discipline is another’s abusive parenting.

When I grew up parents did smack their children but even then those on the receiving end knew it was abusive. In Indian culture you see it as discipline in other cultures it is abuse.

And there is nothing wrong with being radical and ridiculous.

This. If theyve been raised with a strong culture of respecting parents, complying with rules etc, that doesnt just switch off at 15. I was a teenager, i would not have outright disobeyed my parents. My niece is 16 and she doesnt either.

Yes I think some suggestions are from non parents or parents of very young kids - and don't always make much sense.

People who have careers who work with teens may well have decent suggestions - or those who were teens and what worked for them but some are just odd.

I do feel that parental disappointment and laying down clear boundaries can help - though a solid foundation in childhood is needed but it is more influence and commuication.

You also get the flip side posters who insist with glee other posters teens will go off the rails. Had that said to me and my eldest is 20 - hasn't yet though ND she not always been easy to parent - which could say for younger two had moments but overall really good kids whoes company we enjoy.

Most teens who go off rails mostly not surprise who they are - with rare exceptions.

Thread police are back!

Never said YOU did. Some do though.

And I smile when I see posters going on about "my dc has never...". Some of the absolute vilest kids are hypocrites and very good at it.

I have a 17 year old and I would say those things because it would work for me. It does need you to have parented effectively in the years leading up to that age though. If you didn't then yes, it probably won't work.

Yes because the children at 5 and 16 are no different. Why should anything just switch off?

yabu because nobody, including you, has any idea of what all 16-18 year olds are like.

Those people are saying their suggestions would work or how they would react are basing it on their experience with the 16-18 year olds they know and how they parent. You think they won't work based on the 16-18 year olds you know and how you parent. Neither of you know more than 0.00001% of all the 16-18 year olds on the planet or how every single other parent acts/reacts.

You're criticising people for doing the exact same thing as you, extrapolating generalisations based on a very narrow experience.

And yet there are so many gangs of Indian teenagers running riot in so many towns, and criminal gangs of Indian men.

Just as there are with other nationalities.