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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unreasonably upset with new bf

96 replies

Cordialpuneapples · Today 19:55

So new bf (50) knows I won’t tolerate gratuitous contact with an ex gf or partner unless for very good reason.
It’s a ‘me’ issue. He’s never given me reason to think he’s been unfaithful , indeed he is an amazing bf of five months.
Again, the issue is mine due to past trust issues in my life.
I have a strong ill g that he may have been in contact with his ex gf to collect some stuff that he needs but he hasn’t actually
Told me this as I’ve always said it’s a dealbreaker for me unless it’s necessary contact
She has this stuff , he needs it and can’t get it anywhere else . He could live without it but really needs and wants it.
AIBU here to finish things if he has indeed made contact with her, met her and collected these items?
all else is wonderful .. in fact it’s been a wonderful few months.
He broke up with her for unreasonable behaviour with other men.
ive had lots of therapy but was badly burnt by my exh. I feel triggered.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · Today 19:57

Thats a bit controlling op. Telling him he cant collect his stuff from ex.

Cherrysoup · Today 19:58

Like you say, it’s a you issue. I don’t think wanting his stuff back and therefore speaking to the ex as a one off is a deal breaker.

EssCarGo · Today 19:58

It’s his stuff! It’s nothing to do with you really. That’s disturbingly controlling and you shouldn’t be inflicting your issues on the man.

fuckeditupbadly · Today 19:59

I mean, you can dump anyone for any reason you like but personally I think it would be extremely over the top. Just because you've told him.this is an issue for you, he doesn't have to go along with it. You've explained pretty clearly that he needs this stuff, he broke up with her and you have no reason not to trust him.

JHound · Today 19:59

You should end it.

Because you are a red flag and a bullet he needs to dodge.

bunnypenny · Today 20:00

What do you class as necessary contact that you would tolerate, given he needs to get his stuff back?

Turtlestarfish · Today 20:00

OP, kindly this is batshit behaviour. It’s not like he’s going for drinks with an ex but collecting his things that he needs. He most likely hasn’t told you because he knows you would react completely OTT. You need to decide if you trust him or not and act accordingly or this will never work.

louderthan · Today 20:01

Blimey, I’m very good friends with my ex. We get on far better now than we did when we were together. I’d be really sad if his current partner made him cut contact with me.

NCForOneNightOnly · Today 20:01

Definitely you issue yes. If you’re this controlling then I probably wouldn’t tell you either if I’d collected stuff that belonged to me from an ex.

Original poster
Cordialpuneapples · Today 20:01

It’s not his stuff. It’s stuff that he would like for his hobby that he can’t source elsewhere at the moment but he could get it in the future.

OP posts:
ShakaWhenTheWallsFell · Today 20:02

Please do break up with him as kindly and gently as you're able to and get yourself more therapy

pikkumyy77 · Today 20:02

Stop making him responsible for previous bad experiences with your exes. It seems reasonable to you—like saying “I don’t like fish” or “Im allergic to lavender.” But you are not only telling him how to treat you (fair) but telling him how to live and interact with other people (unfair.)

Its fine to say “don’t cheat on me” but its not fine to tell someone that they must constantly prove and reprove their honesty by avoiding acts that remind you of past cheaters. Either decide to trust him or don’t but he shouldn’t have to wear sackcloth and ashes his whole life to mourn your past dead relationships.

NCForOneNightOnly · Today 20:02

Oh the drip feed…

DirtyGertiefromno30 · Today 20:03

Do him a favour and finish with him .

EssCarGo · Today 20:03

Cordialpuneapples · Today 20:01

It’s not his stuff. It’s stuff that he would like for his hobby that he can’t source elsewhere at the moment but he could get it in the future.

So what? He wants his stuff back, not to shag her

Original poster
Cordialpuneapples · Today 20:05

no drip feed..

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · Today 20:06

You can decide you aren't going to tolerate it, but if I were him I'd be saying goodbye to you, nobody would be telling me who I can and can't see.

whippersnapper55 · Today 20:07

I think the poor guy should run as fast as he can from you and your controlling behaviour!

PoppieCock · Today 20:07

Christ what sort of control freakery is this?

You shouldn’t be dating ANYONE if you think past experiences gives you the right to behave like this.

DaisyChain505 · Today 20:08

If he did go and collect his things he didn’t tell you because he knew you’d flip out. I can understand not wanting your partner being in contact with an ex for no good reason but this is a different situation. He obviously didn’t feel comfortable being able to say to you that he was asking for his stuff back which is perfectly acceptable.

You’ve shot yourself in the foot here because you’ve backed him into a corner and told him he can’t do something so he now feels he can’t tell you.

Moros · Today 20:08

You don't even know that he's been in contact with his ex. Yet you're hanging for the supposed "crime" based on your feelings.

Please, break up with him and go back to therapy as you're in no state to have a relationship yet.

IfIHadAHeart · Today 20:09

Poor guy should run a mile from you.

Original poster
Cordialpuneapples · Today 20:10

Again, this is not his stuff . She’s giving his something he can’t source elsewhere or rather , is difficult
to to source but he knows she has it

OP posts:
Moros · Today 20:11

How do you know that he's been in contact with his ex?

DozyCrow · Today 20:11

You are very unreasonable. If I was him I'd break up with you.