To be unreasonably upset with new bf

[Cordialpuneapples]

So new bf (50) knows I won’t tolerate gratuitous contact with an ex gf or partner unless for very good reason.
It’s a ‘me’ issue. He’s never given me reason to think he’s been unfaithful , indeed he is an amazing bf of five months.
Again, the issue is mine due to past trust issues in my life.
I have a strong ill g that he may have been in contact with his ex gf to collect some stuff that he needs but he hasn’t actually
Told me this as I’ve always said it’s a dealbreaker for me unless it’s necessary contact
She has this stuff , he needs it and can’t get it anywhere else . He could live without it but really needs and wants it.
AIBU here to finish things if he has indeed made contact with her, met her and collected these items?
all else is wonderful .. in fact it’s been a wonderful few months.
He broke up with her for unreasonable behaviour with other men.
ive had lots of therapy but was badly burnt by my exh. I feel triggered.
Thanks.

Sorry, but there’s red flags all over your posts. If your dp came on here saying he was forbidden to go to his ex’s place to collect stuff following a break up, I’d tell him to run for the hills.

He could live without it but really needs and wants it
He could live without but needs it?

Seriously he needs to dump you and run.

If a man was saying this about his gf we would call this controling and coercive, maybe even abusive.

If he is trust worthy then you should trust him and let him make his own choices. If he had an inappropriate relationship with somone thats diffrent. But he should be able to even be friendly with an x never mind have issues with him just collecting stuff

Break up and get more therapy. Poor guy.

So new bf (50) knows I won’t tolerate gratuitous contact with an ex gf or partner unless for very good reason.

So...... why?

Goodness me @Cordialpuneapples, please don't be unkind to the bunnies.

Why don't you take charge of this situation and suggest he contacts her to arrange to get this stuff? You are trying to control him by telling him not to contact her and that is never going to work out well because you will probably never trust him. Quite honestly if you don't trust him the relationship is doomed anyway and he has given you no reason to doubt him.

OP, it's understandable that you feel sensitive having been burnt.

And that the issue for you (as far as I can see) is that you told him it was an issue for you, and he was in contact anyway.

But in the end you have no right to decide or dictate whether he should have this hobby stuff or wait. It isn't for you to decide on his behalf what is 'absolutely necessary'.

He didn't cheat on you, someone else did. Imagine how it feels to be kept on such a tight leash because someone doesn't trust you - when you are trustworthy.

Not many people would put up with this behaviour, whatever its cause.

And you can't stop cheating by controlling people. If he is going to cheat he will do it whether or not you lay down rules.

I hope you can find a way through this.

He'll be collecting his belongings from yours soon enough.

You need to stay single end of

I don't think you should be in a relationship you are obviously not ready for one. Your issues should stay yours, you shouldn't inflict them on others. If you can't trust your boyfriend you will never be happy. Get some therapy then try again

OP, it’s not enough to acknowledge you have a problem, if you then make the people you care about responsible for managing your emotional responses to it. That’s when you tip into coercive control.

Definitely raise this with your therapist as I think you’ve very clearly got a steer from people here that what you’re doing is very, very wrong.

Now go and apologise to your partner, and maybe work through your issues without making him the one who pays the price for them.

This. Poor guy.

OP this is nuts.

This. 100%

Sort your demons before you go and hurt someone.

You're being completely unreasonable.
He is an idiot if he stays and puts up with your demands.
You cant control anyone no matter how badly burned you were in a previous relationship.
You're too high maintenance stay single for God's sake you cant control what anyone else does if someone wants to stray they will end of and your controlling ways will make him leave anyway.
Get a grip .

It's not ok to put your issues on someone else-if a man did this everyone would say he was being controlling/abusive.
Unless this person has cheated, you have no right to treat him like a cheat. He can and should see who he likes.

If genders were reserved everyone would be calling this abuse.

No need to reverse genders, OP is scary and controlling and that’s enough to say end it. There is not enough mental stability there to have a healthy relationship.

Sorry OP. Utterly unreasonable. Way too controlling.

You’re the problem. You cannot use your own issues as an excuse to control your boyfriend. YABVU.

Honestly, end the relationship for his sake.

Well...that's given me a laugh if nothing else. You want to tell a grown man that you've known for 2 minutes what he can or can't do or who he can or can't speak to...absolutely bonkers...

Please, chill out 😌 and don’t ever date anyone with kids.

The poor guy! It's the sign of a mature and civilised human being if he can maintain an amicable relationship with an ex-partner. Your demands are unreasonable and you are being very unfair, OP.

🚩
Poor guy.

This.

Serious question: what would a 'very good reason' be that justified contact for you? Lifesaving kidney donation? This sounds reasonable and not dodgy to me. If you can't trust him on that basis the relationship is doomed.