To be unreasonably upset with new bf

[Cordialpuneapples]

So new bf (50) knows I won’t tolerate gratuitous contact with an ex gf or partner unless for very good reason.
It’s a ‘me’ issue. He’s never given me reason to think he’s been unfaithful , indeed he is an amazing bf of five months.
Again, the issue is mine due to past trust issues in my life.
I have a strong ill g that he may have been in contact with his ex gf to collect some stuff that he needs but he hasn’t actually
Told me this as I’ve always said it’s a dealbreaker for me unless it’s necessary contact
She has this stuff , he needs it and can’t get it anywhere else . He could live without it but really needs and wants it.
AIBU here to finish things if he has indeed made contact with her, met her and collected these items?
all else is wonderful .. in fact it’s been a wonderful few months.
He broke up with her for unreasonable behaviour with other men.
ive had lots of therapy but was badly burnt by my exh. I feel triggered.
Thanks.

He wants the stuff. So he maybe he just went picked it up. Nothing more.
You need to back off or you will lose him. You need help as you will get worse.

Yes please end it, you will be doing him a favour. Poor bloke.

Break up withhim for his sake and get yourself some therapy !

Lots of people remain friends with their exes, it doesn’t mean they’re going to cheat. I have a very good friend who is an ex. If a new boyfriend told me I couldn’t have contact with him, it would be deal breaker for me.

Quite. ‘Triggered’ used (as it nearly always is) as a combination Get Out Of Jail Free card and medical exemption clause is enraging, unless referring to a tantrum-prone toddler.

In reality you actually don’t know why he genuinely broke up with his ex, only what he told you. My ex told me his ex cheated on him. Turns out this was a lie and he was in fact the cheater and he also cheated on me after a long relationship. Also found out he was a liar and dreadful manipulator too, but that’s another story.
should you break up with him? That’s honestly up to you, you don’t sound as though you’ve healed from your previous experience in all honesty and in that respect, it’s inevitable your bf will no doubt lie to you, or at least hide things not to upset you rather than cause conflict. That’s not a great relationship x

To put it delicately. Your a nut job and he needs to run far away from you

Wow he needs to run and run fast away from you and you need help!!!!!

This - you are a total control freak which l would not tolerate.

You sound absolutely awful, hopefully he sees this side of you and dumps you soon.

Imagine if a man had written this, the uproar!

You are being controlling. You have issues? Seek help don't tell other people what to do. That said, if it's a deal-breaker, then yes, end it. He'll be better off.

If I was him, you'd be back in the water. You can't be telling a partner what they can and can't do because you are triggered. Go swimming alone for a while whilst you work on your self and your issues, you are not ready for a relationship if you are projecting your insecurities on a partner. Very unfair and immature behaviour

OP, look at the title of this thread. Even YOU are calling your upset unreasonable!

I hope posting has helped OP. It’s hard to see sense sometimes but it’s unanimous

You are being extremely unreasonable. Your behaviour is controlling and borderline abusive. If a man had written this there would be a sea of red flag emojis being posted. End the relationship with this man for his sake.

I think you need to consider counselling. This is completely suffocating. You are risking losing this new BF if you keep this behaviour up

There’s lots of parallels in your comments OP to my ex’s 2nd wife. She too claimed her first hubby had been doing this and that with other women and used that to justify manipulating my ex.

we had a mutually agreeable separation and joint orders distributing our assets. Part of our agreement was him undertaking work for me instead of payment from the family home and at that time we were still jointly running our business together.

within months she was threatening to leave him: 1. If he didn’t stop doing my work 2. If he didn’t use her solicitor to re-hear our agreed asset distribution, 3. If he accepted the boxes of jointly owned things I asked him to collect and finally, 4. if he ever spoke to me again.

the poor guy was beside himself. He would hide his vehicle from the road side when he stopped in to sign business documentation.

He no longer stayed for dinner with us (my new partner) and couldn’t take the boxes home.

people like you need to grow up! Some of us can conduct ourselves properly with our ex’s and keep our clothes on.

I would go and work on yourself and how healthy relationships should work…

It’s not for you to tell him where or when he can get this stuff. You probably shouldn’t be in a relationship until you’ve worked on your issues. Your behaviour is mega controlling and at only 5 months in, it’s even more ridiculous to think you have any right to tell this man who he can speak to.

"I won’t tolerate gratuitous contact with an ex gf or partner" - Wow, just wow!

I once broke up with a guy because of this sort of nonsense. It’s a test that’s impossible to pass. Do him a favour and break up with him. Then spend some time working on yourself - you are not able to be a good partner just now if you’ve behaving like this.

There is work on ourselves that we can only do when we are in another relationship again, this is it.

You acknowledge it is a you issue, well done, and trust is hard, but don’t make it his issue, otherwise you are controlling.

You need to sit with the discomfort, realise that the anxiety predictions don’t always come true, etc..

Good luck.

Ugh, i hate it when people display controlling behaviour but think its ok if they say 'it's a me issue'. However you dress it up it is ridiculously controlling. Yes you should end the relationship because if some collecting their possessions from an ex is a deal breaker, you are not ready for a healthy, grown up relationship, and should stay single and work on yourself until you are!

Sadly the fact is people lie OP, if you can’t be open and accept that communication between exes is often necessary. My ex lied for years within the relationship and hid things, more of which I found out after the separation. He’s now lying to his new partner about our contact whenever he has to communicate with me or visit for anything and says he’s visiting his mum or brother 🙄 I doubt he’ll ever change.

You say that he contacted her without telling you, if he had told you I suspect you would have tried to forbid him. He can't win really, and your need to control his interactions with his ex will drive him away. If his behaviour is triggering for you, then I suspect this will be the same for other relationships. You need some therapy, before you end up alone Op

Yes you’re being unreasonable. Please work on yourself and don’t lose this man who sounds lovely. You will drive him away