To be unreasonably upset with new bf

[Cordialpuneapples]

So new bf (50) knows I won’t tolerate gratuitous contact with an ex gf or partner unless for very good reason.
It’s a ‘me’ issue. He’s never given me reason to think he’s been unfaithful , indeed he is an amazing bf of five months.
Again, the issue is mine due to past trust issues in my life.
I have a strong ill g that he may have been in contact with his ex gf to collect some stuff that he needs but he hasn’t actually
Told me this as I’ve always said it’s a dealbreaker for me unless it’s necessary contact
She has this stuff , he needs it and can’t get it anywhere else . He could live without it but really needs and wants it.
AIBU here to finish things if he has indeed made contact with her, met her and collected these items?
all else is wonderful .. in fact it’s been a wonderful few months.
He broke up with her for unreasonable behaviour with other men.
ive had lots of therapy but was badly burnt by my exh. I feel triggered.
Thanks.

What do you think your behaviour will achieve?

If someone wants to cheat they will regardless of the restrictions you try to put on them.

You saying that it’s your problem to solve doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for behaving unreasonably. If anyone told me who I couldn’t see I’d dump them in a heartbeat. I’m not interested in cheating but I absolutely will not be beholden to someone’s insecurities.

People aren't reading your posts properly. Why does he need to source his hobby stuff from her - is he using that as an excuse?

If you can’t trust him because of things your ex did I think you need more therapy! And you’re not ready for a relationship and need to spend more time healing yourself before getting into a relationship! My ex cheated and was quite controlling I spent 7 years on my own dealing with it DH got a clean slate and I take him for the person he is not the person my ex was!!

I asked him and he told me
that she had contacted him for advice recently and that’s when I explained that I had a problem with unnecessary contact between exes.. especially exes that treated one badly.

Your update makes no real difference OP. She has something he needs and cant easily get hold of. Not one person has agreed your approach is reasonable so far. Are you taking that on board? Otherwise what is the point in posting?

You're being incredibly controlling, and absolutely out of order.

You can't expect this level of control over a romantic partner (or anyone frankly), it's a you problem, you acknowledge this, you need some therapy / counseling to work through this on your own, you're not in a place to be in a relationship right now.

Get more therapy. Lots more therapy.

Poor bloke.

Absolutely ridiculous. You shouldn't be in a relationship if you can't avoid being this horribly controlling.

Yes, please do end it. For his sake. Poor man.

1. What's that got to do with these mysterious hobby materials?

2. He didn't contact her, she contacted him. What did you expect him to do? Tell her "My new girlfriend is so insanely jealous I'm not allowed to talk to anyone I've had a relationship with" and put the phone down on her?

You shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.

So where do you expect him to get this stuff from, if not from her? Are you controlling in relationships in general?

I really
appreicate you all
taking the time to highlight this for me. I believed it was entirely reasonable . I’ve seen so much trouble with exes and needless contact . I guess I believed that unless there was a need for it there would be no need for contact especially when she treated him so badly but I guess that’s his choice. Thank you. I really appreciate it .

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel.

so he can run

You need help or you will lose him . A lot of people are hurt by previous relationships but aren’t so controlling .

I feel sorry for him.

Quite capable of reading the post correctly.

Ex has stuff he wants, he’s trying to get it. Doesn’t matter if it’s stuff he can source elsewhere: why would he, if he thinks ex is ok with handing it over? Doesn’t mean he’s wanting to rekindle the relationship.

You can’t use past experience to bash your current partner.

Good grief - he needs to run for the hills

I don’t think you’re ready for a relationship OP. It’s literally been a couple months and you’re sounding so heavy and stifling.

Your past is still affecting you incredibly badly so I don’t think a relationship is a good idea until you can heal from that and move forward. I understand where you’re coming from but if I was in his shoes I would run a million miles in the opposite direction but you’re giving off huge red flags.

So what are you going to do?

But it's not gratuitous contact - there's a reason for it, which is to collect these items and you have acknowledged it's not easy to get them from anywhere else.
So you could let this one go

Crazy

We are absolutely reading her posts properly. She is paranoid and controlling.