To be unreasonably upset with new bf

[Cordialpuneapples]

So new bf (50) knows I won’t tolerate gratuitous contact with an ex gf or partner unless for very good reason.
It’s a ‘me’ issue. He’s never given me reason to think he’s been unfaithful , indeed he is an amazing bf of five months.
Again, the issue is mine due to past trust issues in my life.
I have a strong ill g that he may have been in contact with his ex gf to collect some stuff that he needs but he hasn’t actually
Told me this as I’ve always said it’s a dealbreaker for me unless it’s necessary contact
She has this stuff , he needs it and can’t get it anywhere else . He could live without it but really needs and wants it.
AIBU here to finish things if he has indeed made contact with her, met her and collected these items?
all else is wonderful .. in fact it’s been a wonderful few months.
He broke up with her for unreasonable behaviour with other men.
ive had lots of therapy but was badly burnt by my exh. I feel triggered.
Thanks.

Way to much drama
ditch
move on

She has this stuff , he needs it and can’t get it anywhere else . He could live without it but really needs and wants it.
AIBU here to finish things if he has indeed made contact with her, met her and collected these items?

This poor guy needs to run far and fast - away from you. You do realise this is abusive, right?

I read what she said properly. Hence my response.

If he has collected his stuff, he should have told you. If he avoided telling you, it's possibly an act of deceit given how triggered by this you clearly are

Nope, if so it would have been an act of self-preservation on his part because OP is batshit crazy. Although, also crazy of him to put up with it.

If genders were reversed the responses would be the same as they are now.

This.

an EX of mine had an affair with his ex.

it doesn't mean I have had a hissy fit about any other partner speaking to their ex.

It's a 'you' thing and you need to deal with it. Not by dumping every man you go out with With if they contact their ex. But by not blaming the current partners infidelity.

It would be betterfor your partner if you did end the relationship. You are far too controlling.

You categorically cannot tell him who he can have contact with and who he can’t! It’s none of your business unless it crosses a certain line

Anyone who tried to tell me who I could or couldn't be friends with, or contact, would be unceremoniously sent packing!
Absurd in the extreme. I know you've been hurt before, but it's not his fault 🤷

OP, if you are still reading, something worrying me about your posts (aside from the fact that you seem to be trying to impose your will on your boyfriend) is the fact that your story doesn't make sense. I am saying this out of concern for you so please think about what I am saying - I know the damage that jealousy and paranoia can do to your mental health and your relationships and life in general.

You say he told you she had been in touch for advice, but you don't explain how you know he has seen her and collected the mystery stuff from her. You explicitly say he has not told you this.

So either you have read his messages, or you have constructed a paranoid fantasy. Both are really worrying signs that you are not coping in this relationship and are perhaps not very well.

Please seek some support. There is help out there - you don't have to live like this.

In the meantime I think you should probably cool things with your boyfriend, while you sort out your own mental health.

You should end it, you're clearly not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship when you're being so unreasonable and controlling.

I’m very sorry for you. This is no way to live

You should end this relationship for his sake. You are unreasonably controlling and it is absolutely wrong for you to tell him he can’t collect items he needs. You are the red flag here. I have been similarly deeply hurt but I wouldn’t dream of behaving like this. Let him get on with his life and find somebody who trusts him.

You sound paranoid and unreasonable. You cannot dictate who your partner speaks to. Its incredibly suffocating. If you dont reign yourself in you will be on your own.

Maybe he will see red flags and end it before you do . Let him get his stuff fgs .

You are deciding what needless contact is and what gratuitous contact is and then telling him what you deem acceptable for HIM to do.

This is controlling.

Run like the wind boyfriend 🏃

It's the letting you know in advance isn't it, if he said to you, ,,hey Sue I'm collecting my biking gear from Kelly tonight. That would be ok as you know in advance.

Massively unreasonable. You can’t control your partner like that- it’s totally a “you” issue. I can only imagine what would be said if this was a man dictating who a his female partner could or could not interact with. It’s fine to have a boundary and end a relationship for any reason- but do that, don’t try to exert control what someone else can and cannot do.

If nothing else, I think you are daft because he met her to collect his things, not for a social catch up or a cosy date. He needs his things and he needs to see her to get them. You have created a drama out of nothing- what did you expect him to do? Just not get his things, which are important to him because you can’t handle the thought of him being in her presence? If he has met her, I imagine he does not want to say so, because he is worried about your reaction rather than because he has been up to something nefarious.

I think you definitely need some ongoing support to deal with your insecurities, they are clearly hugely limiting for you and this is unhealthy. Until then, perhaps you are better off staying single? For the sake of both you and your partner.

None of the posters who say “I can’t imagine what would be said” if the genders were reversed needs to ritually say this because its obvious that the response (OP you are being very unreasonable) has been uniformly negative and most have advised the poor man to leave the relationship.

OP, this is awful behaviour.

The day a person tells me who I can and can't contact, and requires me to provide a 'good enough reason' is the day I would walk away. No one, and I mean NO ONE has that right.

Your partner has given you zero reason to distrust him. Yet it seems you want constant reassurance due to your own insecurities. Those insecurities are yours, not his, and he shouldn't be expected to modify his behaviour to accommodate those insecurities. No reassurance he provides or 'reasons' will ever be enough to satisfy you. Your behaviour is unreasonable and controlling.

My advice would be, end the relationship, for his sake. He shouldn't be having to justify anything to you at all. Stay single, and seek more therapy.

Do you really need to ask? Of course, YABU, controlling and a red flag.

My ex-husband had an affair with his coworker. I found out about it and divorced him. So following the 'burned' logic, I should what? Never be with a man who has female coworkers? What if he suddenly acquires a female coworker, say 10 years down the line?

Remember this. If a man is disloyal and wants to cheat, he will cheat. With an ex, with a colleague, with a woman from Tinder, etc. A cheater is a cheater; what does it matter who he'd cheat with, an ex or someone else?

Jeez. Sorry @Cordialpuneapples but this is not normal behaviour and you need therapy before you’re in a relationship.

The poor fellow needs to run for the hills
You are the red flag !!!!!