I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Some people actually like spending time with their family and would find the weekly meal
together a weekly highlight , not missing out at all

But the time spent making 6 or 7 meals will take away from the time spent with family. You can spend time with family at a pot luck / reduced offering where many people bring their own food and this would also enable OP to spend more time with her own children on Sunday, rather than slaving in the kitchen for hours.

OP my suggestion would be this Sunday, you raise that you are finding it impossible to host the way mum did. Can everyone else look at ways to make this possible because either they get on board with you sending a “this is the two meals I am making” and accepting or declining by end of Friday (so you can buy ingredients on Saturday for the correct number of guests) or come up with other ideas.

While no one else has the space for everyone to have a sit down meal in their house, during the hot weather could someone else host a BBQ with picnic blankets for the kids if they don’t have enough chairs. Perhaps go out for Sunday dinner sometimes. Etc.

And OP the “not enough space to host” needs some imagination - gardens can be used in good weather. A pot luck /buffet with indoor picnic vibe doesn’t need a dining table that fits everyone seated, if you can all physically get in the house, you can do standing fork buffet /finger foods.

Spread the load.

You could tell them that in future weeks everyone there needs to bring food with them that is ready to eat or just needs warming up. That will free up your time. Then people will bring things they like and they will realise how much time you have been spending catering for them. Alternatively you could book a buffet provider and make sure everyone pays enough money in advance so the buffet is paid for.

Well I don’t think she should be making all
those meals / I’d be doing one vegan myself and the family can help - kids learn to cook and then everyone else clears up

Do not send them a poll. Hopefully all will be easier when you talk to them IRL - you must all like each other or you wouldn't be prioritising meeting up as you do. I'd make sure your mum is exempted from any sort of pot luck or rotating system - she has done her time. You want everyone eating something they can manage one way or another, or it'll all turn sour.

Afternoon tea/baguettes & quiches type meal might be easier than managing hot food if lots of people are bringing things.

It's a ridiculous old fashion system... Unless you're passionate about cooking, then I don't understand why you would want to send every single Sunday cooking large meals for your extended family.

"Hosting" can just be providing a venue, a table and tableware. Everyone brings a dish to share and that's it. Once in a while, someone can offer to cook for everyone if they want, but no one should be forced too.

[What your mum did or didn't do for 10 years is irrelevant]

Agree that this would have been a better message, to acknowledge the efforts your mum made and to ask for help in future.

What "reactions" did others post?

Do/did you enjoy the weekly family get togethers or would you welcome a change to that as well? How would you feel about making it fortnightly or monthly or alternating with a meal out, alternating with tea and cake rather than a meal? Or inviting others to host in your home?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. You DM is. Hosting and cleaning up are an extra task in themselves on top so you are doing way more than your siblings here. It is one thing for a parent to do things for their children, another for one of the children to take a significantly unequal load on behalf of all the family - not to mention your DH!
Also, is it the same situation OP? You say you have children. How old are they? Do you work? If your DM has been doing this for 10 years presumably she was not doing childcare for young ones at the same time and was she also working during the week too? As presumably at least one of you does.
If DM doesn’t like it she can take the hosting back. If everyone else isn’t happy, suggest they can all eat one meal - a sensory bland vegan meal to cater to the lowest common denominator.
For the second time today I find myself posting the same comment here: it never ceases to amaze me how generous some people can be with other’s time and money.

Surely the relatives with the autistic picky kids or who want different food could bring food for them and cook it while you produce the main meals?

For 4 months, your Sundays haven't been your own. You've been cooking multiple different meals for 15 people and hosting. Your Sundays have turned into a catering service in your home. That's not sustainable with a young family.

You mom got tired of cooking multiple meals every Sunday and voluntold you because you had the room. But your situation is different than hers and you have 2 young kids. They're going to be going to activities or needing quiet days or studying or homework or doing research or papers or trying to get things ready for the upcoming week on Sundays as they get older. That's not going to be possible with you and your husband busy in the kitchen all day and 15 people in the home and then the cleanup afterwards. I think it's time to cut back for you in how often you do this as well as how many meals your make. Does the family help you clean up after these massive meals?

I think your mom is unreasonable in putting this on you as a weekly task and telling you you're rude for not running yourself ragged doing what she did with no kids is kind of bitchy. It's taken away Sunday from your nuclear family as a day to get things done for yourselves or to do activities or just some downtime. You now only have one weekend day free. That's half your weekends gone and that's why I think the frequency as well as the amount of meals needs to be cut. You need those weekends as family time and maybe some downtime.

Hosting every Sunday is already a huge commitment. Why can’t each family bring one sharing dish that suits the pickiness of their family? That way there is something for everyone and the pressure and expense are off you. In my family for big gathering someone does starters, someone else does desert, someone does the main dish and someone else does veg and spuds.

I'm with you, OP. While I'd never cook anything I knew one of my guests actively disliked - for example, I have a couple of friends who hate spicy food, so I'm obviously not going to invite them for curry night - I wouldn't be sending out a list of menu choices either. I say this as a vegetarian, by the way. I do expect a vegetarian meal, because otherwise why invite me, but I don't expect it to be specifically catered to my personal taste.

Remind your mother that your family actually has three choices of meal here - the meat one, the vegan one, or the one they cook themselves at home instead!