I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

We have big family dinners and I am the only vegetarian in my family, I always bring my own version of what everyone else is having.
Id be horrified knowing any host would have to cook a whole separate meal just for me when its ridiculously hard work making just ONE meal for a large family party.
Im surprised youve not gone completely insane op!

As a mum of 3, one with cows milk allergy and 1 autistic plus several allergies myself, I would suggest everyone brings something and its not just on 1 family, especially as its every week.

Your text was perfectly reasonable.
Let your extended family work out what they want to do.

One meat. One vegan. Let people know in advance, so they can cater for themselves if they don’t fancy what’s on offer. Sorted.

So what you have to accommodate is:

1 veggie/vegan option
something for autistic nephews
main meal for everyone else

You say the other children are a bit picky but eat a decent range of foods so that suggests nothing special for them. Family members who have cut out certain foods for dietary reasons rather than medical can just leave the dishes/bits they can’t eat.

So really, the only ones missing out are the autistic nephews. I don’t think you should contort yourself cooking a million dishes but using your shepherds pie example, what would your autistic nephews eat? What would you need to cook to include them?

I agree with PP that everyone bringing dishes that can be warmed/reheated at your house seems like a much more equitable decision. But in the absence of that, I’d probably try and accommodate your autistic nephews because their difficulties are related to a medical condition and not just a lifestyle preference.

YANBU DS is autistic with an incredibly limited diet. I never expect him to be catered for and usually feed him before we go anywhere. I’m surprised the parents haven’t offered tbh.

I would do the same as you - a standard roast and a vegan version. I would also cater for those with autism ( I’m assuming it’s bland - something like chicken nuggets , yorkshires , roasters ) - because the children with autism cannot help that and likely will not eat anything else and you could just put some nuggets in. I would not cater to diets that are choice , I would cater to essential and I would class the autism diet as essential .

I imagine last 10 years for your mum has been a bliss. Adult children
Retired. She has zero compassion for you and the fact that you are mum to young kids? She can go back to hosting maybe?

All the reasons people discussed to bail out. Plus it must be costing you a small fortune. Yes, is definitely some thing as a free lunch.

You have used for to long.
Just cook for your own family.

Ignore your mum!
Get together once a month - that’s plenty.

Why not suggest it’s a ‘pot-luck’ meal where each family bring food of their choice/dietary requirements? That way, you’ll just be catering for your own family but if everyone contributes not all the planning, prepping and cooking is on you.

Solution 1: Everyone brings a dish. Someone cooks the meat (rotation), picky eaters learn to stop being picky or starve on Sunday (or get plain pasta). Children should not be allowed to be picky.
Solution 2: Make a large pan of e.g. chicken curry and a veggie version - or simply do a vegetable curry; if you do this using sunflower oil instead of e.g. ghee (which is clarified butter and the proper thing to use) it will be vegan by default - plus large pan of plain rice. Pittas to serve and salad. Picky eaters can eat rice and salad. Being ND is no excuse for their food preferences being forced on others (parents bring own food for them or you stick on some penne - they probably will eat plain pasta).
A large veg curry is essentially the best solution IMO.
Remind DM that she did not have two DC under 10 for the last 10 years.

Wow I'm amazed you've managed to cater for this many different dietary requirements so far, and I can't believe all the guests have been okay with you doing this!

I would have thought as soon as it moved from your parents house to your house it should have become more of a pot luck thing, where each family brings a dish. I would never expect my sibling to cook for me, my partner and kids every single Sunday! Do they even give you any money towards ingredients?!

It should either:

1. Go back to being at your parents house if your DM is happy to cook this many different meals each week.

1. Be in a rota basis between you, your parents and your sibling(s) houses, or whoever else the adults are involved in this family meal.

1. Stay at yours but on the terms you stated in your message to your family.

Also just to add, I think it's lovely that you are getting together so regularly as an extended family, and very kind that you've facilitated that at your home.

Ridiculous amount of stress - you are not a restaurant! it’s of course great to get everyone together life is too short - the picky eater’s, dietary requirements can jolly well bring their own !

All you need to do - if you want to is a roast with sides - some one else can bring dessert !

Bloody hell, bring your own then! Or don’t come 🙄

I was going to suggest similar to this myself.

YANBU Op - it’s shocking that everyone lets you do this every Sunday - crazy!

Say they can all come to yours to eat and relax, but the cooking rotates so you don't do it every Sunday, they can cook at home and bring it with them or use your kitchen.

Every week? Fuck that. You need weekends for your own family surely? Make it monthly at a pub. Being honest, I don’t like hosting and I hate having loads of people in my house and space, especially extended family. Far too much.

Is your weekly restaurant taking bookings?

Sounds like hard work for you and an easy ride for everyone else. YANBU

It wasn't the OP that mentioned veggie mince, rather it was @Chasingthequietlife that made that assumption; that it was something like Quorn mince.

When the OP mentioned a veggie shepherd's pie, I imagined that the filling was some sort of mirepoix or sofrito, maybe with some added mushrooms.

So there is one saucepan with the meat and one saucepan with the veggies and another for the potato topping.

Personally, I think that shepherd's pie is an example of where it is possible to easily cook a vegetarian alternative without a lot of extra fuss and I can quite see why the OP chose this option.

Yes I’m aware it wasn’t the OP - somebody posted that they hate veggie mince, somebody else replied that they were being too demanding, so I was just commenting on the fact that a lot of vegetarians hate veggie mince, I don’t think the OP has specified!

Tell her you're able; you're not willing. She can believe that martyrdom is something to be proud of if she wants but you don't have to agree with her.

No need to be snippy, I was just explaining another poster’s comment about veggie mince. Every vegetarian I know hates the stuff.

If people aren’t happy, perhaps they can sign up to bring meals to yours on a rota basis instead?

Oh Heavens no !
you’re being very accommodating as it is !
If it were me I’d think about alternating eating out , a buffet type lunch , a cooked meal but only 2 options and last of all one weekend could be an afternoon tea with everyone to bring something