I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

This is a really good idea actually. You don’t need to be vegan to eat vegan food

that was my thinking too. My grandad is veggie and I’ve often eaten ‘his’ dinner rather than the main option, just because it was something I liked more! Lots of vegan and veggie options are delicious and non-vegans may choose it too

Not fair because
... it isn't homemade and may be UPF?
... it's tastier than OP's usual offerings?
.... OP didn't grow the tomatoes from seed as required by the laws of martyrdom?

I don't know if the "not fair" was a joke, but imagine adding a "no jar" requirement into expectations of someone hosting your family every week and making dishes to accomodate dietary requirements (vegan, veggie, ARFID) and then plopping a random all must be homemade from scratch preference in too.

Make one big veggie meal (stew type) that everyone can eat. Then if you decide to have some meat do a large piece (or portions). Yorkshire puds on the side if you decide. No messing about.

@waterbottle1988 honestly I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable other than I wouldn’t have done it the way your mother did it at all: you do ‘pot luck’. Everyone brings a dish themselves and thus the cooking and cost is shared at source. So long as the vegans get first dibs at their meal, and the autistic nephews get what their parents have brought, everyone should be happy. You could still so a roast that YOU like with veggie sides that everyone can dip into.

I come from a large multi cultural family - I have to have vegetarian and pork free options [on a separate serving counter to ensure no cross contamination] at a family get together, plus the options my own autistic DC are currently eating, together with the normal fare. I will cater like this for an significant event, but otherwise the rule is everyone brings a main and a side and labels it with ‘contains pork/fish/beef, vegan, vegetarian, dairy, quinoa’ [I have an anaphylactic allergy, I/DC are dairy intolerant] and we all help ourselves.

I’d suggest giving it a try? If people don’t engage because they are too lazy and expect to be catered for, then the next step is a pub/carvery…

Text her back that she can start hosting again then.

It sounds like there aren’t any meals like this that would accommodate all needs (especially autistic preferences). Also it would have to be vegan.

Are you saying that you have animal products for literally every single meal? I am a meat eater and I would estimate that about 10% if my meals contain meat, a lot more will contain dairy (but a lot of this could be stuff that was easily substituted like cream/milk or could be added at the end or Parmesan which could be added at the end). I’m happy to tweak my cooking so that everyone I’m inviting over can eat and that I don’t have to cook ten meals and I don’t feel like I am “changing to fit in with anyone’s beliefs” 😂😂😂

And charcuterie board I am merely suggesting for those die hard meat eaters who can’t bear the idea of a dinner without some animal flesh. People do have them to nibble on while waiting for the main meal, much like a cheese board after. You can have ham if you like but it is possible to get much fancier stuff than it sounds like you’re imagining.

Honestly I’m sure ALL vegans would be happy not to be catered for at your home.

"Are you saying that you have animal products for literally every single meal?"

I will usually have porridge or toast & marmalade for breakfast but, other than that, yes. Also, if we ever go away and stay in a hotel then I will typically have a full English for breakfast (or the local equivalent if abroad). I have even been known to get a McDonalds sausage and egg McMuffin and large coffee on the way to work on occasion.

I really love the use of your dramatic phrases "animal products" and "animal flesh". That's a real giveaway for being one of those types of vegans.

Yes, I do indeed eat "animal products" and "animal flesh" every day. And I very much enjoy it.

My lunch is typically a ham sandwich or roll (sometimes a corned beef or chicken or pastrami sandwich). Sometimes I'll get a meal from the canteen which is typically going to be something like shepherds pie or lasagna.

In the evening, either I or DH cook a wide range of different meals but, yes, they always include meat.

"And charcuterie board I am merely suggesting for those die hard meat eaters ... You can have ham if you like but it is possible to get much fancier stuff than it sounds like you’re imagining."

Oh my. Really?

"You can have ham if you like but it is possible to get much fancier stuff"

You really have come out with one of the oldest tropes on MN. I never thought that I would actually see anything like it!

Are you perhaps talking about "naice ham"?

‘Naice ham” think you’ve lost the plot 😂😂😂 It’s okay, I don’t mean to upset you, I just genuinely hadn’t realised there were still people who had meat with every…single… meal.

I won’t read a response from you because you are off your rocker and life is short but good luck with the sausage and egg McMuffins!

@Another2Cats

meat IS animal flesh though. What else do you think it is??

If your nephews will eat some form of freezer food - pizza or nuggets and chips I would stick some of those in the oven as well. No cooking or even assembly required.
Then you have 2 versions of the main meal to suit everyone else and they have something to eat.
if they won’t even eat that then I would say their parents should provide. It sounds like a lovely family custom but you are not a restaurant.

I really love the use of your dramatic phrases "animal products" and "animal flesh". That's a real giveaway for being one of those types of vegans.

And I bet you're one of those meat-eaters that thinks meat has "juices".

Where on earth do people get off being picky about food when someone else has bought it and prepared it for you?!
I can't imagine going to dinner with family or friends and being annoyed that there wasn't 'much choice'.
As far as I'm concerned you bring drinks/snacks, eat what you're given, say thank you and offer to clear/wash up. End of. If people want choice they can stay at home and cook for themselves or go to a restaurant.

Are you saying that you have animal products for literally every single meal?"
I will usually have porridge or toast & marmalade for breakfast but, other than that, yes
Really? You never have a meal without animal products ever? I'd be worried about cholesterol/salt if I were you, especially with that amount of processed meats.
I'm not veggie or vegan, BTW, so don't have skin in the game.

If you look back over the history of modern food,the replacement of animal fats with "margarine" ie hydrogenised trans fats and vegetable oils had one of the worse effects on public health ever.

trans fats are dreadful for cholesterol and most people who use "butter substitues" thinking they are making a "healthy choice" are probably making their health worse - for example:
www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/high-blood-cholesterol/in-depth/trans-fat/art-20046114

I'm an omnivore like most humans and I eat animal products nearly every meal - at 58 my cholesterol etc number have never been better.

Pulses are mostly carbs. Veggie mince is usually made of soya, a complete protein.

Nonetheless, pulses contain adequate protein for health (assuming of course a generally balanced and healthy diet).
Personally I'm happier to eat pulses than veggie mince or other 'fake meat' products, which tend to be quite heavily processed.

So what’s the outcome for this Sunday’s menu

@RobinEllacotStrike

meat at every meal?! How?! Your food shopping bill must be enormous

not meat at every meal! We only have meat/chicken once or twice a week. Tonight I will make pulled pork with a shoulder of pork and we will eat that all week in various ways.

But we do eat cheese, butter, yoghurt, eggs, milk and will usually have some animal protein with most meals. Sometimes we have "vegan" meals but I might add a spoon or yoghurt/kefir or grated cheese.