I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Anyone who suggests you spend Sunday cooking multiple meals is mad. The tricky thing is how to solve the problem! I’d possibly go for a set carb- rice or a jacket potato and then ask people to bring a few options to accompany it- eg: veggi chilli, beans/cheese/tuna, salad etc. So people can share your workload. It would help them appreciate the effort required in hosting more too.

What a commitment, l wouldn't have agreed to this, ever. Can the family all have a turn, why is it you every week? I would find it restricting, as Sundays are always booked, you can't take the dc to the beach, or park etc,because you have to cook. Rest of the family are having a great time, being fed every week, for free, no wonder no one else has offered. Put your foot down now, or you will regret it

She explained they all chip in and also bring desserts, but ok...

Tbh, I do think refusing ro cook for the autistic kids is a bit off, hotter complicated this meal is that they eat? Do they have nuggets and chips or is it Lievere a la Royale with a comsomme of crab?
But then also doing that every Sunday is exhausting and it's madness to sign up for this. Do you never go anywhere on Sundays?

Every Sunday?

That’s a huge commitment.

@waterbottle1988

I love the fact the family get together regularly for a meal, that’s a special thing that most families do not do these days. Love it!

Absolutely find a way to make it less work!! You’re in a different life stage to the mothers.

Everyone bring a dish? Mum cooks it and you provide the venue?

Good luck! Enjoy!

That sounds like absolutely purgatory. Don’t be tied in to this every week it’s insane! Take your own family out for a walk and an Italian meal next week!!

I really do hope this is a joke comment, as a pp said.

OP is already giving up half her family time with her own kids to do this, and you think she should do even more on the Saturday (as well as the shopping & planning etc). Then assuming with small children she could get up even earlier on a Sunday to do even more prep.

It always seems to be like this with vegans (although, yes, I know - not all vegans). Everybody else has to change just to fit in with their beliefs - it's never the other way round.

Incidentally, I've also been surprised how many posters have mentioned something similar to "charcuterie boards".

I had absolutely no idea what that was so had to google it - it seems to be just cold ham. That seems just weird, instead of a cooked meal you are suggesting bringing some ham?

If a person who was vegan invited me to dinner at their home I would fully expect the meal to be vegan and would accept the invitation with full knowledge of that.

But the OP isn't vegan (and neither are the majority of the guests - the OP mentions one vegetarian and one vegan). The OP and the majority of her guests should not be forced to eat vegan food just because two of the guests do not eat meat.

Sounds like a nightmare - especially if you are doing this on a weekly basis. Stick to your guns or suggest a Jacob's join or rotate venue.

Of course it’s a joke!

it sounds like such a lot of work and very prohibitive… like everything else you do on a weekend - going with with the kids, adult socialising with friends, housework, gym, etc etc all has to be squeezed into a Saturday.

it’s a lot , OP @waterbottle1988

Pulses contain protein, and are probably healthier than veggie mince, which is often really processed.

I think I'd try and cook smart.

You're making cottage pie. So could you make a tray of wedges to cook at the same time? You already have potatoes that you're preparing, doing 6/8 as wedges for the kids wouldn't be too tricky. Then, if you're doing minced meat for the base of the pie could you make some meatballs for the kids? And serve the kids jar sauce, meatballs and wedges? The only extra thing is the jar sauce and a pan on the hob to fry them off?

Of course. This is if the kids will eat that!

What other dishes do you want to make and we could think about how to use the same components to make a slight variation?

Or is that too much like cooking different meals?

How did it go yesterday? Did everyone enjoy your shepherds pies or bring something of their own? Did your mum make passive aggressive comments all day thanking you for all the work you put in??

This! Protect your mental health and well being. Everyone brings a dish and have a buffet style meal. It will save you so much headache! Not to mention the cost of buying all of the different ingredients xx

Almost every week? My friend had this and hated going every week. I would refuse and am sociable but do people not see friends ever or want to just have time with their partners? My MIL did say that her brother and his wife did this because they actually hated just being together. It’s one of the few wise things she said. It’s all a bit Eastenders.

@UsernameHoarder

not fair for the children to have jar sauce

I wouldnt host every Sunday in the first place tbh but your proposal is absolutely fine.

Those on a diet can cope for a day and save the calories elsewhere. Stick a frozen pizza in or whatever in for the picky eaters and ask the parents to help dish it up.

Youd be cooking and faffing about all day otherwise which is ridiculous.

I don’t blame you for being stressed !.
If people aren’t happy with a choice of two dishes , well then they need to bring their own , simple as 🤷🏻‍♀️.

On principle I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but is there a compromise somewhere? I’m not the fussiest eater in the world but even I don’t like shepherds pie!

Could you (for example) just do some oven chips and chicken nuggets for the fussy eaters? Or some oven pizzas etc? Something that isn’t really ‘cooking’ that can easily go in the oven or air fryer?

Also just to add that one meal and a vegan version of that meal isn’t much choice for everyone! Could do make the vegan meal a bit more different so it caters to more options? Eg normal shepherds pie and then vegan chilli

Or op just let them know in advance what youre cooking for that Sunday then they can drop out if they dont like it.

Youre not a restaurant.

Could you invest in a couple of raclettes? One for meat eaters and one for vegetarians.

Then everyone cooks their own thing. You can put out options of cheeses, meat, veg, add some sauces eg passatta and some eggs that can be cooked in the pans underneath.

You can change what meat / veg you put out or you can ask people to bring things.

YANBU. It doesn't matter what your DM used to do, you don't want to do it. Make one vegan meal, and one meat meal and leave it at that.

If anyone has a problem with it, tell them that they can host in future. If people go on about it, then just stop hosting.

if the kids are fussy then maybe do them a small cold beige buffet of whatever they will eat that you can buy and chuck on a plate, but nothing for any adults.

FGS. Stop being a doormat and refuse to host any more.
You do not have to give a reason.

If, however, you feel a need to give a reason, say that you have hosted for long enough and now it's someone else's turn.

Having more space in your house was a brilliant get out clause to pass on her catering work to you.😂