I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Not at all! Completely and totally reasonable!

other options which you could text out - if you have a family WhatsApp you could even create a WhatsApp poll
”if this doesn’t work for everyone we have a couple of extra options. I’ve created a poll and we can select which option works for us:

• families takes turns bringing the meal to us on a rotating basis - currently we need 3 options normal, vegan and picky eater option
• we all eat vegan for these meals meaning I only need to make two dishes
• everyone brings a dish each week and our meals become potluck style
• We move to picnics and meet in various parks, each family unit brings food to feed themselves
• we move to picnics and each family unit brings something to share”

or any other option that works for you! Good on you for standing up for yourself

I'm aghast you've put up with this for so long. I wouldn't even cook two meals, just tell everyone to bring a dish and let them get on with it.

I think you’re great to offer to host. Traditions change grow and evolve. You’ve opened up a conversation now 😀. You might find in future some parents offer to bring a savoury course that complements your meal rather than dessert.

your mum might be sad to stop hosting and this could be colouring her response somewhat!

You have to do this weekly?! Move it to monthly and yep, two different meals is more than fair.

The thing I'm most enjoying about this thread is the number of poster suggesting better ways of doing this when the OP has already said what's she's planning to do.
Invariably the "improvements" are more work/coordination and/or will result in a mish-mash of badly matched foods.

Make it potluck moving forwards - everyone brings a dish.

that’s a lot every Sunday.

Agree! it’s one of those instances where OP has been entirely reasonable-given everyone notice on the group chat, plus OP sounds open to feedback as well!

really it’s the mother that isn’t happy and even she probably knows she’s being unreasonable because she messaged the OP privately rather than on the group chat!

@waterbottle1988 I would make a roast and place it out on serving dishes in the middle of the table for everyone to help themselves.

The vegetarian and vegan eaters can pile up on the selection of vegetables and potatoes. They’ll likely be something there for the picky eaters and those with sensory needs and definitely plenty for those that eat everything.

So that’s just one meal cooked.

If anyone is hungry, they can eat what they want when they get home.

Can't the vegetarian share the same meal as the vegan?
Do a bit of a rotation dinner maybe and definitely get a roster for it.

YANBU at all OP, I do these sort of huge meals at Christmas, we've got coeliacs, vegans, pescatarians and those who expect a full on roast with all the trimmings. I couldn't imagine doing this weekly!

I would probably say from now on instead of everyone chipping in on the food bill, just bring a dish! And as host I'd just do my own dish and a medley of steamed veg or salad/crudites depending on the main dishes.

If your Mum thinks you're being a bad host maybe you can invite her round in the morning and she can do the 6 different dishes for the family? You do right OP, and your family should bloody reply with some support, rather than just sending emoji acknowledgents, especially if they've never hosted!

They could cook at your house?

It'll be interesting to see how it's landed when you see them tomorrow. Your mum expecting you to do all this because she did is less important than how the parents of the various children involved react. As a parent of a child with allergies I actually really appreciate being made welcome to bring our own food so I know it's safe. But I might not have loved a text informing me that my child is no longer being catered for from tomorrow onwards, after 10 years of dinners. I think it might have been better to raise it in person over the meal rather than the way you've gone about it but you know them best, hopefully it'll be fine.

I wonder if y our mum has found it all too much these days partly because it has mushroomed into something ever more complicated as more and more children have got to the age where they can t just fit in so well, so you are actually dealing with a more complex task than she ever did. It sounds a ridiculous amount of work for the hosts and it should at least rotate round, even if it's a squeeze elsewhere.

YANBU. You are providing the space every week, you don't have to do all the cooking too. No reason why those wanting a different meal can't bring their own. When you are the host every week only because you have facilities the others don't, hosting isn't the same as when you invite everyone for a meal and there is reciprocation.

Tell your mum that if it's not up to the standard she demands, she's welcome to take the mantle back.

An alternative, as others suggest, is to let others rotate the cooking duties, but that would mean having family in your kitchen every Sunday cooking when you're trying to get on with your day. Inevitably, they won't leave you kitchen the way you like it, even if they tidy up. That might be fine with you, I don't know, but to me it sounds like a nightmare!

I think it is impolite to go to someone’s house and expect them to cater to my dietary requirements. I would never expect that.

id maybe put some chicken nuggets on for the kids but not a whole meal. They can at least have what you’re having on their plates. If they don’t eat it they won’t starve.

Why would someone who doesn’t like meat, want to eat something made to be like meat!

It is just a meat eaters interpretation of a vegetarian/ vegan dish. Not actually catering for them.

The same applies for the lazy approach of ‘make a roast, they can just eat the vegetables’ or ‘ they can just eat the salad.’

If your mother has such strong opinions, then she can go back to hosting.

Do you never want to do anything else on a Sunday? I would cut it back to once a month if anyone objects they can do the hosting.

I cant believe people live like this

Great idea to do a poll! You could also discuss today when they’re over.

I think this is a really nice tradition but it’s a mammoth task to host family every week!

OMG I'm dying here 😂

Your text message was perfect.

and 2 meals with an invite to bring your own is completely fine

It is one of the worst ways of communicating. Over used. Fast and furious. Interpretation is lost.
A message where facial expressions are useful, where there is any possibility of a negative response the best method is face to face.
You might think you have the perfect text. The test of that is how it lands.
This landed badly. I would wager a face to face talk even at the last Sunday would have met with less questioning and debate. And more agreeableness.

Oh, so when meat eaters come to your house, presumably you go all out with Rib-eye steaks or a lovely roast chicken? Because it’s all about them, not you?

I can't understand why on earth you would be giving up your Sundays to do this. Just because your mother is a martyr doesn't mean you need to be and I would use those exact words when responding to her message. I'd have asked if they could all just bring a dish. You might well find that the Sunday get together peters out when other people actually have to make an effort but would it be a massive loss?

Most people seem to focus on ways of reducing OP’s workload for these WEEKLY family meals. To me it is more a case of all the experiences that she and her children miss out on as a result.

Sure, family ties are precious - but 52 dinners a year? All the hours spent slaving in the kitchen when she could be spending them doing stuff with her family. Personally I think once or twice a month would be plenty. And pot lucks rather than OP doing it all.

Some of my most precious memories of bringing up our children relate to our Sunday outings. There’s a whole world out there, ready to be explored - why spend so much time on Sunday lunch…