I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Everyone has acknowledged the message but they didn't properly respond. They just reacted to the message

Decades ago people ate what they were given
a vegetarian would apologise for leaving the meat

the normal reaction was joy at sharing a meal

as food has become more available and more varied and cheaper relatively , the expectations and workload for ( usually women) has increased accordingly

it’s the same with gifts

decades ago you got a nice bar of soap. And it was thrilling. Now it’s all “I never use that brand “ “I don’t want a bar I want the gel” .

our individual preferences being allowed to dominate are destroying the joy of shared events and creating much more work be it cooking individual meals or seeking out just the exact right gift

Honestly don’t do it. Make your own traditions in your own house.

Even two meals is more than I'd do. Vegan for everyone. But then I am quite lazy

I think you are being more than reasonable.
If your mother feels that strongly, perhaps she would like to go back to hosting herself?

I think that’s a perfectly reasonable message. It might be generous, but not necessary, to continue telling people what you’re making each week (‘lasagne this week guys’, ‘roast chicken today’…) so that the people with particular needs can decide if they need to bring anything or not? Or perhaps agree that every week there will be bread / veg / grated cheese (whatever works for your family) on the side? But yeah, two options is PLENTY.

Side note: I did that for my picky autistic son for years (made whatever I was making, but ensured the side dish was consistent). After years of that, he now eats a really wide variety of food.

As ever in modern society. You were not being unreasonable at all.
But your method of communicating it was.
Text and email are probably some of the worst ways of communicating.
If ever you have to say something you reasonably can anticipate might not get universal approval, do it face to face.

I think you need to make it clear you're not taking over your Mom's role. either it goes back to her house or you all discuss making the whole thing something different
I think only choosing to cook for some people is unreasonable
why choose the vegan person over the autistic child for example? or the meat eaters over medical needs?

if you're cooking limited variation, and I don't blame you, you go for what most people can eat so if do one vegan main for the vegan, veggies and non picky eaters. then try and find some common ground amongst the others or do the vegan main with a bit of pot luck for the people who have dietary needs

Because the vegan meal is easy to make. It's the same meal, just a vegan version.

also the "I'm not angry with anyone BUT" makes you sound stroppy.

no acknowledgement that your mom did it for a decade and you now realise how hard it is, or that working around all these needs is bloody hard and your family do it day in and day out. just "omg it's hard, I don't WANT to deal with your medical needs and disabilities!!"

I think a more reason approach would have been along the lines of "omg I don't know how Mom did this for so long but I'm really struggling guys. I honestly can't keep this up on my own so can we come to a compromise? rotate hosting or eat out or some sort of potluck?"

My husband, my kids and I never expected my mum to make a different meal. All of us ate the main meal every week.

I could not cope with that on a weekly basis! Could you do a roast dinner ?? Or order a takeout? I think twice a month is also fine. Your not being unreasonable it’s a lot to expect of one person!

but it's still one less meal to cook. You have 1 vegan person so you're cooking especially for one persons lifestyle choice but refusing to accomodate peoples actual disabilities and medical needs.

Nobody has any medical dietary requirements :)

sorry I thought I'd read medical, re read and realise that was my mistake.

what do your autistic nephews eat? something suitable for everyone?

again, I don't think you're unreasonable to not do it, but I think your delivery was off and actually you need to mix it up more, not just refuse to feed certain people

“2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue.”

They likely have or are on their way to a diagnosis of a condition called ARFID. It is a medical condition.

Yet people are much more willing to accommodate a person who just decides not to eat a category of food.

Technically everyone could eat what my nephews eat, but the food they eat is not meals that anybody else would want to eat for a Sunday family dinner

which would make you far far ruder than the snippy mom and I'd just refuse to come after that. which I'm assuming op doesn't want to happen as she does actually seem to like her family

YANBU and I say that as a vegan with an autistic child with ARFID! I never mind bringing food for us, my son has even taken a lunchbox to family weddings. If I know what is being served, im always happy to bring my own similar vegan alternative.

I expect people will become a whole lot less fussy once you stop accommodating.

Alternatively, do a round of jacket spuds and a selection of toppings and people can pick and choose their own.

On the surface you are absolutely not being unreasonable. But, were your parents still happy to host and cook lots of different things? If so, then what you’ve essentially done is take that away from them because there’s more room at yours (and that might make them feel a certain way) but at the same time made it a bit less accommodating.

I hope that doesn’t come across as rude, I’m not meaning to be. I think the context of you taking it over matters here.

If you sort of took over then just let them take back over again. I would rather be somewhere smaller with more choice. Although I think your parents were crazy to do all that but that’s their choice.

The only reason I'm willing to make the vegan meal is because it's the same as the main meal, just a vegan version.

And yes I am aware ARFID is a medical condition. As far as I know, my nephews do not have ARFID. My sister has never mentioned ARFID before

I make family tea once a week. Menu announced on the family chat in advance
It isn't to your liking?stay home is the response.

Make it yours

My mum asked me to take over hosting. She asked. I mentioned this in my post

Pot luck or buffet

Sweetheart - please reserve Sundays - at least half the time - for doing things with your family.

Go out somewhere. See and do stuff. Take a picnic. Have fun.

And others should start doing at least one more week’s Sunday dinner. You shouldn’t be doing this more than once a month!

And if it all becomes too my h, and neither you, your DH or your children stop enjoying these dinners, stop altogether.

Remember to never set yourself on fire to keep others warm.