I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

This seems a weirdly literal way to take the point that OP does this every week. I'm sure she's capable of saying "We're on holiday this week - see you next week" or similar.

In any case, it's not really relevant to the thread. The thread is about whether OP should be cooking a dozen different meals.

Why does there need to be a middle ground? OP is hosting; therefore she decides what to cook. Her family all have the option to decline the invitation. If they want to order from a menu, they can go to a restaurant.

You've never heard of flats?

Hey everyone
Here is the takeaway menu, if you’d like to place your order in advance, we can get it delivered at 6pm.

Job done

Tell your mum she can bring dishes to accommodate the various versions of picky

Precisely. I am vegetarian and always make it with lentils.

You know meat eaters can have vegan food? And gluten eaters can have GF food? (Or whatever said restrictions are)

id make a vegan, gluten (or whatever it is) free meal for everyone and something basic for the kids. If people want to bring meats and cheeses for charcuterie boards they can, same with breads. Why all the drama?

Stick to your guns - I’ve been here, it’s a nightmare

It’s rude to go to someone else’s house and demand that they make a special meal just for you. Stick to your guns. The previous arrangement seems bonkers to me. More fool your Mum for giving in to unreasonable demands for 10 years.

I cannot imagine a world in which you would choose to make multiple meals for multiple people every single Sunday.

Im sure it doesn’t take that much more time
and effort to provide a variety of meals to please your guests 😀 you could always get up earlier on Sunday to start cooking or do some meals prep on Saturday? @waterbottle1988

OP didnt take it away from her mum, the mum suggested OP does it.

This is a great idea

You are spending 1/7th of your life hosting them!

I suggest alternating houses or asking everyone to bring something. Failing that, your mum can have the job back!

Is this a joke?

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all! Surely it must be someone else's turn to do the hosting or maybe all take it in turns to host so everyone gets a break!
As for your mum's input; that was her choice, you are entitled to choose too and you now choose to still do the meal but you choose to do it sensibly. If they don't like it, they should take over the chore!

Why don't you cost out a caterer and suggest you all contribute? They'd probably be happy with just the two meals if they saw the cost.

Other people’s autistic kids are not your problem OP (even if they are related to you) and if it were me, I wouldn’t be catering for them if it was stressing me out, However I’d expect that dinner numbers would start dropping off. Or as you said, the parents of these picky eaters could bring their own food. When I’m hosting for extended family, I always do a vegetarian option as well as a non veggie main. If I’m feeling charitable, I might throw some beige food from the freezer in the oven for the kids if I happen to have it.
I have zero tolerance these days.

Surely this is about socially gathering the family so why the need to cook? In this day of takeaways and home deliveries, it strikes me as masochistic. Maybe change to pot luck which is still very popular in SA, US and Oz and should be more popular here now we're getting hotter weather. I think once a month is more reasonable anyway. Change it to tea and cake which is also easy for anyone with special diet requirements where they can bring their own gluten free etc.

I think you've been more than reasonable! In my family (much smaller, only 6!) there are two vegans, a vegetarian, a celiac and two "normal" eaters. We tend to only all eat together at xmas, birthdays etc I make all sides vegan/gluten free then two mains, vegan/non vegan. Thats it! And even then it's a stress!
They can bring their own food!

The more I think about this, the more insane it sounds. It sounds worse than cooking a Christmas dinner (with all the extra options special for everyone) and you’re doing it every week? I don’t even think I would have agreed to do it once!

As a vegan, I think a good vegan meal is exactly swapping the mince 😂

I know your are not going to do this OP, but just saying "I'm not doing this anymore folks, enjoy your weekend!" would have your mum raging and everyone else declaring you their hero, their weekends no longer being dictated by this nonsense. Especially the DIL/S whose parents have to sacrifice any Sunday for this farce.

It sounds like they want you to make 6 or 8 meals. I think 2 meals that are basically the same thing, is too little for a big family like yours, but 6 is too many. Also, how complicated are the meals for the children? It's a big difference between having to make mac and cheese for one, homemade pizza for another, and chicken nuggets for a third, vs just making chicken nuggets for all the kids and shepherds pie for all the adults.

If this were me, I would probably ask the family to sit down and agree on something manageable, and I would also expect others to put in some effort too. It's nice that your mum was willing to host for ten years but she's your mum. You are not the mum of your siblings nor are you the mum of your nieces and nephews. Their mums (and dads) should be putting in some effort to ensure this family meal (that they all want to continue) continues to be sustainable.

As it stands, you are accommodating the vegans and the meat eaters but not the kids who have autism. To me, what sounds sustainable is a vegan shepherds pie for everyone. Both the vegan and meat eating adults should be able to eat that. If you have subgroups that can't eat one or other ingredient because of their diets (e.g. people eating low fat), then you modify the vegan shepherds pie to meet those requirements. Low fat, vegan, shepherds pie. You don't like it? Bring your own! That frees you up to make one more thing, so maybe you could make something kid-friendly for the picky kids. Mac and cheese? Homemade pizza? One of those. And finally, for the kids who have autism, something frozen that you can chuck in the oven that is the brand and type they like.

The people who like meat could maybe bring a cold salad with grilled chicken in it or something.

Dessert is easy. They just pick up a cheesecake from the store. If that's all they're bringing, they definitely have room in their "effort box" to bring a salad that several people will like.

All of them should be willing to be a bit flexible here.

We have regular family dinners which I love, and we all bring a dish, if it’s starters or dessert, to help the host. This idea of catering to every person’s every whim is ridiculous. By all means provide the place to meet, but make it so that you actually get to spend time with your family while they’re in your house.