I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Not unreasonable at all!! Maybe hosting should be on rotation amongst everyone?

With that level of fussy/finicky/restricted eating I'd go to a pub and let everyone choose their own food. Can you invite them around in twos and threes rather than having to have everyone at once (which sounds like a really tall order anyway)?

That was her choice to make those meals
Why not suggest that everyone brings something to eat that their children and themselves would eat ,and you do a pot luck type meal ..

Everyone brings a dish and you all share

Tell her she can host it herself seeing as she’s so happy to run a restaurant.

That’s an insane commitment every single week, YANBU, at all!

Ridiculous!! Back to your dps you all go then. You are definately NOT being u

I would suggest your mum takes over again if she has no problem with doing it op

YANBU. Your mum wasn’t coping with small kids. Good guests bring dishes, especially for regular meet-ups.

It may well be less stressful for some people to bring their own, and others who are just dieting may join in with the main courses. Good move.

They are your mum's children, they are not your children. YANBU at all!

I have a similar with hosting everyone for Christmas every year, as my mum wants everyone to be together at the same time. I haven't yet used my suggested line, but I might this year, as I don't remember my parents ever hosting their parents, all their siblings and siblings children at tge same time ever!

Wow - I think you have been very fair there. I cannot imagine having to cook for that many people weekly let alone prepare a variety of meals. You must be very organised!

Just out of interest do other contribute to the grocery bill? Or do they bring wine/desserts?

You’re not unreasonable for getting pissed off with it but I suspect everyone else will say you signed up for that when you agreed to take over.
Can you all alternate so it’s not all on you?

Um no.

You're the host, they eat what is given.

Or don't bother coming.

What about buffet style.
Different dishes and salads that they can all select from.
Maybe some cold cuts and veggie ones eg nut roast.
A bit like a carvery table but mostly cold salad things.
You could buy most of them ready made and just take the lids off.
The purpose of the event is a family get together not cordon bleu

Everybody does help pay for the cost of the dinners. And yes they do bring dessert.

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences.

There's a huge difference between being accommodating to one or two specific diets and having to make 6+ different meals.

To be honest, with that many different preferences (and note that they are preference), it would be sensible to go to a place that accommodates 6 different meals. That place is called a restaurant.

Wow, your family are so lucky to have you - cooking for them all every week is a huge commitment even without all the madness of extra meals, well done for lasting so long!

YANBU at all. Surely it's simpler for the parents of fussy eaters to bring food they will eat? That's what we do for DS (who has ARFID) whenever we go to someone's house. And the special diets can also bring their own, I have coeliac disease and often bring my own food, completely normal.

Nobody else has the space to host.

Time to start taking it in turns with your siblings to host I think.

I'm stressed just reading that. I could "just" about manage two meals but that would be it. And that would probably be a once a year event, let alone once a week. I don't have any advice but you are not a restaurant, you are very generously hosting a very large family once a week, I think you are being far more generous than I would be and to be honest I agree with you and your way forward, regardless of what your mother did for so many years.

How about suggesting everyone brings a dish they like instead of you cooking everything. Then you just cook one thing.

My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

During which time she wasn't bringing up 2 small children, and maybe not working during the week either.

With kids those ages I wouldn't want to have that level of commitment to a large number of varied relatives - weekends are more important for immediate family time taking your own children out for the day & having fun.

I probably would have made a sarcastic comment about UNLIKE your mother, I have plenty of other things to entertain me and don't have to bend over backwards skivvying to persuade people to visit me.

I’d opt for meals where people have the bits they want eg a roast shoulder of pork (cheap too), a vegan alternative main, potatoes, varies veggies (all vegan, gluten free etc) and the option of a can of spaghetti hoops/beans for any fusspots. As a summer options I’d be cooking a couple of chickens, vegan alternative, and a few salads, focaccia (potentially farming out the salads to others).

another idea that’s easy for a group is pulled pork, taco black beans (vegan, gluten free etc) wraps, green salad, grated cheese, sour cream, guacamole and nachos/plain tortilla chips and every builds their own

Once a month, go to a restaurant. Other weeks, meet up for tea and cake (or fruit for the dieters) and everyone go home for dinner.
Or do a bring and share cold buffet.

Have you had any more responses? Your mum was quick enough to rid herself of the burden the first chance she got so she has a cheek to say it's so easy.