I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Demanding much?

Assuming you want to meet every week, I'd rotate between

Wk 1 - at yours, everyone brings a dish. If they bring dessert they can bring a main that suits their family too.

Wk 2 - at your Mum's

Wk 3 - buffet type set up

Wk 4 - restaurant

I think what you’ve suggested is absolutely fine!! Two meals for that many people is probably a lot as it is!! Does the whole of Sunday get taken up with this meal?? I can imagine the prep, the meal itself and then lingering would take the whole day??

If this was a one off, or if everyone took turns, I'd say maybe you should be more flexible. But you do all the work, all the time, paying out all the money? No. They should be taking it in turns to host or at least bringing stuff.

That sounds like an insane amount of work, I’m not surprised you’ve had enough!
If we have everyone over I do a meal that everyone will eat most of ie a vegetable curry, rice, flat breads and then chuck in a few jacket potatoes.
The ones that won’t have the rice have the curry with the jacket potato, others have the curry with rice, the kids will have jacket potatoes with cheese and salad.
Or I do a big veggie chilli, fairly mild and people can add then own hot sauce, I put gluten free pasta on the table, rice and tortilla chips etc and everyone combines whichever combination works for them.
The meat eaters have never moaned that it’s always usually vegetarian, I’m not a massive meat eater anyway so I find making the main meal vegetarian easier than making two different mains.
Occasionally I do a roast with only the joint of meat and then the veggie will load up a plate with everything except the meat.
Stick with the 2 meals if you find that manageable, don’t feel bad! You’re not a terrible host, people can always bring along food if they want to, I’m guessing it’s the spending time together that’s important rather then 10 different dishes!

Your text was perfect.
If I was the parent of a kid who wasn't going to eat the host's meal, I'd bring their food. In fact, i do this all the time thanks to allergies. Not the host's problem.

When we have family meet ups (around 3 times a year) everyone brings a dish. In your situation I would do this. Assign some people to a main (specify meat or vegan), some to a side, others to a dessert. Whatever they bring should be something their own household members would be happy to eat. Just because you have the biggest house shouldn't mean the catering burden falls to you as well as providing thr venue

Your mum was doing all that without being responsible for young children, a very different matter to you and your husband's situation.

Plus, you don't want to. Which is fair enough.

Pot luck, rota, or give up hosting the weekly dinner entirely ... make it clear those are the only options you're willing to engage in at this point.

Your mother is trying to control things that are not her business to control. Just because she did this doesn’t mean you have to.

You’ve been perfectly reasonable and anyone who doesn’t like it can as you say bring their own meal, or if they don’t like it they can choose not to come.

I would actually appreciate the veggie mince! Vegetarian/vegan doesn't mean just wanting to eat pulses and vegetables... some of us want protein too!

Hell no, you are not being unreasonable.
I think your message to the group was perfectly fine. I often do the same for big groups, a main meat dish and then a vegan version too.
I would not be cooking multiple meals every single week. I know you said they contribute, but it’s the time involved too. The planning, shopping, cooking for multi meals would take up most of the day!
Nope, no and nope!

Most vegetarians and vegans that I know hate processed veggie mince, and if it’s quorn a lot of people can’t digest it properly and get horrible upset stomachs, it’s not something I would ever eat and I’m as easy going a veggie as you could hope to find.

She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences.

"You know what, Mum, actually I think I've had enough of this. Going to take a break from hosting for a couple of months and see how things go."

My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

"Yes, well, we are different people, Mum."

Yes your dm was quick enough with her comments
stick to your guns

Text your mum back and tell her that doing this for all those years was her choice, but it’s not yours. There is no reason why you have to put yourself though this stress every week and even if the family are contributing towards the cost, it doesn’t take the work out of it. I’d be suggesting a rota so that everyone gets a taste of the hard work involved - things will soon change.

YaNBU no way wouldn’t be doing prep and cooking that many different meals once, let alone on a regular basis. Others have great suggestions - but also do you want to meet every week? Does no one go out and do stuff like a picnic or a walk or the beach in a Sunday? If you do actually want to meet I’d suggest all meeting a park and everyone bringing their own picnic. Whilst everything is catered it’s easy for them, but I think they probably would drop off if they actually have to do some work rather than just pay.

Plus over the 10yrs the amount of people has grown - didn’t used to be kids fussy or not -

how many people are you cooking for ?

Totally reasonable! I would try to accommodate belief based, vegan and vegetarian, medically mandated so maybe low fat. Preferences they can work round. So do as you are proposing this time, one meat and one vegan, obviously lots of veg. Kids I would probably be happy to work with parents to try to find a brand of nuggets/chips etc they accept. Lots of bread to fill up on, others bring deserts.
That is quite enough juggling of oven space, trying to coordinate when everything is ready.
Maybe it is time to stop this being an every week event. If that isn’t an option maybe assign family groups to certain things, two people bring puds every week, two bring the drinks, two do sides. Maybe the vegan does the vegan main. You do the meat main and you do a rough menu early in the week. That way nobody is contributing financially to you and therefore thinking they can dictate.

That is so bananas. It's rude for guests to expect restrictive diets to be honored especially when it's unreasonable due to the sheer number of people. We teach others how to treat us and you don't need to teach them that you'll stress so they get free food!

Do people really want to have every Sunday tied up in this way? Probably after working all week and at least part of the weekend has to be spent catching up on chores. I’d find it suffocating

So maybe have that in mind - does it have to be every single week, year in and year out?

No it isn't

The parents can bring the N's food

OP and her H are doing more than enough

I couldn’t think of anything worse than hosting that many people every single Sunday!

I would cook the normal meal, once every two weeks. On roatation with another family member. I would make as many dishes vegan (roast potatoes in veg oil etc…) and make it clear what they are and tell everyone they will need to bring a a dish if they can’t/wont eat what’s available.

You did what you needed to do to protect your peace. Take a break from hosting for a while and then resume in a way that works for you!

They can just bring mains - all sorted. Or you can tell the vegan that their diet is basically unhealthy and they can bring their own?

I think you are being generous making two meals. I’d suggest everyone should contribute to the meal. Maybe arrange via WhatsApp and each family bring a dish that all of their family members will eat. That way you can host but everyone participates in providing the food and they can ensure they are all happy with the meal.