I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

It's fine for you to just say 'I appreciate how you feel mum but this is what we've decided and we think it's reasonable' and leave it at that. Anyone who has a problem with it can either not come, or host it themselves. I wouldn't be faffing around like that for anyone and I wouldn't want to host all the family every Sunday. As your children get older, they will have activities and parties and want to see their friends too. I would be wary of getting locked in to an arrangement that the rest of the family will then expect every week!

It’s about all getting together and the food doesn’t make a difference. Why don’t you turn it into a ‘bring a plate’. A few bring savoury things for a buffet, a couple bring dessert. A couple bring drinks. Those with fussy eater kids bring their food. That way you all only make one dish each time and every now and again you get the easy time of getting the drinks.

Also, you could make the food all vegan/vegie. Anna Jones and Sarah Brittain cookbooks are brilliant. Really delicious food that everyone loves.

Make it a potluck. Everyone brings a dish, or three, depending on family size, rotating through mains and sides. The ones with fussy eaters can make their dishes accordingly. Sorted. It’s a lovely way to organise a meal. Everyone gets to try new things (maybe not the fussy ones). And there is less on you.

Frankly, I would not have accommodated fussiness to begin with. Vegetarian/vegan, yes. Everyone else can eat whatever beige food is to hand or bring their own. My kids don’t like everything. Sometimes they just eat chips or potatoes. Fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d never expect anyone to cook them something special.

remind your mum she asked you to host and you took that role on. Now it’s becoming a struggle so you’re happy to look at other solutions to this issue

No but if your mother thinks its fine to cook 10 meals, get her to do it. Surely there are basic dishes suitable for all like rice salad. Then fruit for dessert. I dread to think of all the washing up that creates.E v en with a dishwasher its a mission. No most if them on diets whatever retaking the piss. If your mother wants to come over to do it get her to 'show you how easy it all is'. But still never do it

Siblings are family but it's a different relationship. It's fairly common for granny to cook for her kids and grandkids.
It's more unusual for granny to cook for her sisters and brothers.
Where would it all end.
As a teenager I could think of much better things to be doing on a Sunday than sitting down to dinner in my aunts house

I voted YABU.

One option should include something child/ autism friendly. This is not a preference, and is awful to leave them uncatered for. Shepherds pie is never going to be sensory friendly.

Also, a good vegan/ vegetarian option is not just swapping the mince. 😬

YANBU about not being unhappy to do all the work yourself. Your home may be the location for the family get togethers but others can prep/ cook on a rota or bring food they’ve cooked at home.

Give DM your kitchen every Sunday. Let her host it at yours. Not your circus, not your monkeys

Time to change DM's dinner plan. What worked for her when her kids were grown doesn't work for a busy young family.

It's a restaurant meal twice a month or the meetups stop. Knocking yourself out for a full day making multiple meals for people following so many different diets and picky eaters is too much of a time sink for someone with a busy family and young kids. It's time to do your own family activities instead of catering multiple meals for people who don't return the favour by doing things like bringing over food or coming early to help prep. That's half your kids' weekend used up right there.

I don't think you are unreasonable, but I would probably do multi part meals rather than shepherds pie. Like a roast / vegan roast with toasties, mash, pigs in blankets, Yorkshire's, veg.

That way even the fussiest can grab something

If you enjoy the day together then turn it into a bring & share every week.
With high summer now is a good time to swap from shepherd's pie, lasagna etc...and it will possibly help autistic nephews be exposed to new foods

They all sound very hard work. If people object, I’d start doing it as a pot-luck instead .

Cooking for my autistic nephews would include me making a whoel separate meal. I can make the Vegan meals as I am making the main meal. That's the difference.

I understand the difference. But it’s still not okay.

Also, as a veggie of 30+ years… lose the veggie mince…. This is not catering for V/VG

YA most definitely NBU!

who is paying for all this?! You can host if they all bring food to share - that’s an insane level of commitment and time/money cost each week as well as hosting /cleaning up etc

Im the default family get together host since DPs passed away years ago and spend far too much money on family who I don’t think appreciate how much work and effort goes into hosting! My DC helped clean before and after each occasion while family members swanned off home after being a bottle or one small dish to contribute!

If this essentially means you’re not cooking for your nephews anymore, it seems a bit mean.

Do a buffet, a nut roast, a roast chicken then a load of vegestables. We do this for large meals at our house. Take it or leave it. Also request everyone brings a dish could be an option. That level of fussiness is ridiculous. Your mother didn’t have to do all those meals, she chose to. I suspect she is sorried the family meal will fizzle out and it’s probably the highlight of her week. Can you text your siblings etc separately to say it’s too much and see if they would be willing to each bring a dish to help this tradition to continue?

could your mum do the cooking but at your house?
you’re providing the space, she provides the cooking effort, or you do the main meal and she deals with the variations

Good grief, what do you provide? Five loaves and two fishes?

I admire you OP. I couldn't cope with this number once a year at Christmas, let alone every week.

I would accommodate autistic nephews needs. Surely chicken and chips or pizza in oven is not too much additional work. If there are other kids that would also prefer that then fine.

Expecting one person to give up a hefty chunk of every weekend to cook so many meals for such a big family is insane. The fact that your mother was nutty enough to allow it certainly is no reason to impose the obligation on you. I'd suggest cutting back to once a month and yes, absolutely food choices need to be limited to two maximum.

Yanbu!

I can't abide fussy eaters. My sil used to declare she was gluten free randomly but then still get mcdonalds breakfasts. She also only ate variations of egg based meals for a month- that was fun.

Your mother didn't do all this cooking and hosting with 2 small children I'm guessing- completely different situation!

Easy enough for the nephews parents to bring leftovers or batch cook the day before.

Think it's shocking no one replied to your message offering to take turns or all bring a dish.

I would order pizzas and send them all a tikkie....

Here’s an idea….. Other members of the family take it in turn to plan and execute the cooking in your kitchen, since you have the space to host. Then they can see just how challenging it is to produce something which meets everyone’s needs and preferences without cooking six completely separate meals.

What would be good would be if you ended up with a team of 2 or 3 cooking a range of dishes which, between them, will meet everyone’s needs bit without the same person being burdened with it every week.

Omg I would not be doing this every Sunday and certainly not making all those different meals.
If your mum was happy to host this way then thats good for her she obviously loved hosting .. this is far too much of a commitment every Sunday stop this x