I told my family that I refuse to make more than two meals at our weekly family dinner...AIBU?

[waterbottle1988]

DH and I moved into our new house about 4 months ago now. We have 2 DC. For about 10 years now my extended family has all had dinner together almost every Sunday. My DM and DF have hosted for the past 10 years. But when I moved into my new house, we invited everybody over for dinner and we realised that there there was a lot more space at my house for the weekly family dinner. So my DM asked if I could start hosting the family dinner every week. I agreed.

In my family one person is vegan, one person is vegetarian, multiple people have cut out certain foods (no medical reason, they just are on a diet). 5 of my nieces and nephews are picky eaters but they will still eat a decent range of foods. 2 of my nephews have autism and will only eat a handful of meals due to their sensory issue. Then everybody else likes a wide variety of food.

So every Sunday me and my husband end up cooking multiple different meals. The main meal mostly everybody loves, a vegan version of that meal, multiple dishes for some of my adult family members who are on certain diets, a completely separate meal for my nieces and nephews who are picky eaters and another completely separate meal for my nephews with autism. Hosting has become so difficult, and I am also a mum of 2, my kids are 7 and 3. I am starting to dread Sunday's now.

So yesterday I sent a text to my family. I said: "Hi everybody, I can't wait to see you all on Sunday. I just thought I should let you all know that me and DH have decided to only make two meals this Sunday. Shepherds pie and a vegan Shepherds pie. Unfortunately I have started to find Sunday's very stressful because I end up cooking multiple different meals all day long. You are free to bring your own food, that is perfectly fine. But from now on, I am only cooking the main meal and a vegan version of that meal. This is nothing personal, and I am not angry at anybody, but I am just trying to decrease my own stress level."

I sent that text and got a private message from my mother. She said that I am being being an impolite host, and that it is rude to invite the whole family over whilst not being willing to accomodate everybody's food preferences. My DM said that she managed to make multiple different meals every Sunday for 10 years, which means I should be able to make different meals too.

AIBU?

Is there a particular reason why it has to be every Sunday? Your parents started the tradition 10 years ago because it was what they wanted to do, and they didn't have young children. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate the expectation and reduce it to every other week, or once a month.
There must be times you'd rather be doing things with just your children on a Sunday, without having to navigate the pre-set demands of other family members.

If you want it to remain as weekly then;

your mum goes back to doing it as she was before (you all fit previously, it can happen again even if it's more crowded than at yours),

You alternate eating at yours, ordering take out or eating out,

As people contribute to the food it's a bit tricky to say you're not longer catering for their preferences, so everyone uses that money to buy/bring something they'll eat and have a buffet.

You strip it back to tea & cake,

Could you do a bbq in the summer months?

Personally, if your mum's not willing to take back control then I think it's time to tweak the tradition and adapt it to what works better for you & your family.

I've been guilt tripped into having Christmas the way my mum wants it, all my life. The resentment is now ingrained & I dread it each year. Don't be me (although I have started setting new boundaries over the past few years)! Don't sacrifice what you & your family want in order to appease other people's demands/expectations.

We see my in-laws often! And obviously some weekends extended family dinner doesn't happen :)

Bloody hell, rotate!!

Well as someone with allergies in the family YANBU!
We’d always ask what was being made and bring substitutes if necessary to not inconvenience the host.

Hosting on a weekly basis, you simply shouldn't be held to the stringent standards your mother apparently expects. It's fine if that's the way she did things, but you're not the same people and you are not under any obligation to make the same choices. I don't think it's rude to tell people in advance what the menu is and allow them to choose whether or not they want to eat what you're serving, bring their own food, or decide not to come at all. Your mother disagrees. Oh well! I'd be very annoyed with her for daring to tell you that you were rude when you're going to the trouble of hosting everyone once a week. Simply providing a place for everyone to gather takes a certain amount of effort on your part, never mind the food!

YANBU.

Also, there's no reason people can't take turns preparing the food in your house if you don't have a problem with it. They may not have room to host in their own home, but they could certainly still bring finished dishes or ingredients to prepare in your kitchen.

I don't think YABU to make one meal, but I would try to make that meal more easily customisable.

Shepherd's Pie is difficult because it's all so smooshed together, whereas if you made a Bolognese , for example, you can keep everything separate and they can serve themselves. It's easy to do a bowl of mice, bowl of vegan alternative, bowl of plain spaghetti, bowl of cheese, two different veg, salad and garlic bread. Then everyone can find something to eat.

How about a monthly dinner where everyone chips in for a decent takeaway?

@waterbottle1988 how many do you host for?

you don't consider your siblings your family? I find that really sad.
my sister is my family, are are my siblings and my extension so is BIL. My MIL is my family because she'sy husbands Mom and my children's Nan.

id be really hurt is DSIS referred to me as my Mom's family not hers

YANBU

You should have started the new tradition of a potluck. Or cut back the family dinners to once a month.

You are not your mum, and are under no obligation to do things the same way she did. Life moves on. You have said what you're willing to do on a weekly basis. If people don't like it, then there won't be a full family lunch every week. And that's fine too.

a bowl of MICE? This is why no one is eating at yours....

Your mum hadn't 2 young kids when she was cooking for her kids and grandkids.
Anyway, how do your siblings think it's ok to sit into a free dinner every Sunday.
Also, you need to start taking day trips on a Sunday with your own family.
How does your dh feel spending Sundays catering for your family.
I wouldn't like if my inlaws arrived every Sunday for dinner.
It was different for your mum, they are her adult kids and grandkids.
That's a different relationship

YA totally NBU. I'd also cut it back to once a fortnight, or ideally, once a month. It's ridiculous that you have to do this.

Come on! They can have the vegan mice 😂

Your mum doesn't like it she can go back to doing all the cooking

Or she can get some of the other family members to do the cooking at her house.

You are hosting just because your house has the most space, not because you have the time to do all that prep. I'd suggest changing the format to being a pot-luck buffet where everyone brings a dish. If you want, you can coordinate it so that there's a range of things on offer, but asking you and your DH to not only host but prepare all those different meals is outrageous. I'd be embarrassed to be expecting you to do that for me.

A autistic child with sensory issues over certain foods is just that. It does not mean they are automatically heading towards an ARFID diagnosis. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Most children, including those with an autism diagnosis, have some issues over some foods.

YANBU @waterbottle1988 Glad to see that you've taken control of the situation and made it manageable for you in your home.

Your family can bring their own food for their specific needs. If I were part of your family, and I was used to this regular gathering, I'd be happy that you were happy to offer your home on a weekly basis and would do what I could to support you in that rather than expect you to keep giving and giving and giving.

The rest of the family have a cheek expecting OP to pay for their weekly dinner. Time to stop

You're the only one with enough space, so it has to be at your house - fair enough.
It requires one or two adults to organise, prepare and cook the meal - are you the only adult in the whole family group?

I'd tell your family you'll host once a month. This shouldn't all be on you. I appreciate you have the biggest space, but your mum did it previously, so really there should be no issue.

I think others in your family need to step up if this is going to continue, as you are going to end up feeling resentful if not.

OMG, yes, this! Its so true. We've not really noticed how this has crept up on us over the last 30-odd years. I think back to when I got married in 1980 and we used to have friends and family round for meals, or went to them. Nobody ever, ever put in requests. You ate what arrived on the table and as a veggie myself, I just used to swerve the meat and say no to the gravy.

Acknowledge that your mother did an amazing job for 10 years but say that you can't carry on the same way. You like hosting the family dinner but with 2 young DC you and your DH don't want to spend so much time preparing multiple meals. Perhaps your mum would like to bring some dishes every week to accommodate some of the 'preferences', if she thinks it's so easy to do. I don't think you're rude to tell people in advance what you're planning to cook.

Well she can go back to hosting then can’t she.

Youre a fucking saint to even contemplate this once a month, never mind weekly. It’s like doing a complicated Christmas every fucking week. No way on earth would I have agreed to that.

Id be looking to reduce it to fortnightly at first so you can have a Sunday with your kids yourselves then go monthly.

If they don’t like it, someone else is very able to take a turn.

They sound like leeches. I hope they contribute towards the costs too?