AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

I’d like to say that when my second was born, my family came to visit (me) the day after and my partner’s parents were 6 days after. My dad walked in, straight past the baby, and came over to give me a hug and ask me if I was ok (bit of a traumatic birth). That was exactly what I needed in that instant, not to plaster on a smile or make pleasantries and answer a million questions when I was exhausted. I was bleeding (so much so that it was going through my clothes), seeping milk and sitting on a cushion because my stitches were so painful. I was never in a million years going to be comfortable seeing anyone other than my own family.

Fast forward a year, my partner’s parents are super close to my children, just as close as they would have been in they’d have “met” the children immediately, they see them every week and are just as close to them as my family. They totally got the fact that I needed a few days to recover and it has made not a shred of different to any of our relationships. They’re lovely people and as a mother to a son I would hate my future self if I was any different.

Plenty of people would be ok with it. Because they wouldn't think it was all about them. I wouldn't in a million years think my DIL wanting a week to recover after a difficult bith said anything about me. I'd happily do everything I could to support from the sidelines and look forward to meeting my grandchild in a few short days.

You know sometimes the majority can still be wrong and tbh the opinion of someone who calls me love and thinks a laughing emoji adds gravitas to her argument isn't one I care about.

Don't weaponise Children. Don't play games with visitation. Quite simple.

Imagine being so self-centred that you can't understand why it's not okay to shut out your husbands entire family 🙄

Gently OP, this is your first baby and you feel rough and are adjusting to a lot of change. How you feel matters. But, you aren’t the only person who matters. I can’t imagine how hurt I would be if one set of grandparents were allowed to be involved and with the baby and I wasn’t. My children are young and I’m nowhere near being a grandparent or a mother in law yet so have no adjenda.

You really could just go upstairs for a shower or a lie down.i know you said you don’t feel comfortable when your baby is far away but surely you will have to leave baby with dad or others at some point to do this. Or sit on the sofa and do nothing and they will just have to accept that’s how it is. Of they don’t like you being a mess, tough.

your baby is as much related to your in laws as they are to your parents.

I don’t think I could be unkind to my Inlaws for my own benefit. I would suck it up knowing how much it would mean to them. I think you need some perspective outside of your own wants and needs. It would be for an hour or so…is that really so hard to do?

Here is a litmus test for you -

Allow it to be know to your social circle that this is what you have enforced. Just the facts.

If it is totally fair and reasonable then you wouldn't mind everyone knowing, would you?

Because they wouldn't think it was all about them

Exactly - why is that so difficult to understand?

And I wonder how close they would have been to their DGC if they'd treated you appallingly in those early days? These ILs clearly aren't that bothered about a relationship with their new GC if they are happy to alienate the new parents like this.

Now imagine the Father is saying the Mother's family can't visit for a week but his can. I'm sure you'd be backing that 100% wouldn't you saying good on you lad "whip her into shape"

I don’t think a majority of the posts telling OP that she is being unreasonable are from MILs. I don’t have any daughters-in-law and I really don’t think OP has been very fair. All she needed to do was invite them round for a cup of tea to meet the baby for an hour and she has plenty of people to help. Also many of the people saying she is being unreasonable have had children themselves and remember the first weeks very clearly.

I honestly don't know! I guess a lot of selfish people out there. This thread has blown my mind!!

Did you miss the OP's post that they'd already been unkind to her when she was pregnant?

I think if you needed your parents everyone would understand. Siblings visiting in hospital bit more difficult. Having your parents and siblings round for dinner but in laws can't visit for half an hour to see baby is much harder to explain.

Always 2 sides to a story.

If the mother's family were horrible people and his lovely and supportive, I'd say he may have a point.

Op you have to think long term- it's in your interest to be warm to these people, rather than causing a rift when you feel vulnerable. If you offend them greatly now you will will reap the results of that for years.
Much love and speedy recovery x

That's true but we only ever hear one on here.

I’m wondering why you need so many of your family members to help though?

Yeah right.

No. When it comes to social convention, the majority can never be wrong. Thats what makes it a convention.

I honestly don't believe it's disingenuous at all.

Some people are visitors, some people are family. It's not the same relationship at all. Some women will be fine to be a sobbing swollen hormonal mess in front of their sister, or best friend, their husband and their own mum. Theyre' not visitors. It's ok for a woman to want someone to support them, and is not only here for a "cuddle with the baby".
It's ok to be just tired but want to make no effort and slob around with your close ones, and not be ready for visitors.

MIL is a visitor in most cases. Many of the hysterical ones on here obviously haven't made the slightest effort to become closer with the new mum before the birth.

When you read how many posters pile up to tell the OP to "get over herself, she's not special, everybody had a baby, tough it up"
you can understand why these kind of visitors are anything but support.

Why would she mind everyone knowing? The ILs would presumably be less happy if she shared their texts with her social circle, though.

what side of

my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over.
do you really need?

Maybe she doesn't 'need' it, maybe they just want to help. I'd like to help my DDs with a new baby. I'm sure they'd manage with no support like many new mums do, but if I could make it easier (and she would welcome that) then it's something I'd want to do.