AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

I doubt she wants anything to do with them after the way they treated her in pregnancy and after just giving birth. The ILs have made their bed.

Good for you if you would allegedly be 'fine with it.' But the OP's family have been allowed to see the baby. It's only her IN-LAWS (her husband's family,) who have been told NO.

I don't believe ANYone would be OK with this. Being treated like they're third rate, like they don't matter.

I am also guessing your son has no children, and you have never been pushed out in favour of your daughter-in-law's family. Wait til it happens to you.

You might not think it’s offensive to treat your in-laws so differently to your parents but I guarantee your in-laws will still be offended. I would be.

Power. Exactly that. One big power trip.

OP started it by excluding them and shutting them out, while happily hosting her own family for dinners.

Best pop back to the Sea, Bubbles. You’ve jumped the shark with that one 🦈

The mil has been asked to wait one week. She has not been pushed out.

I am confident, because I am not insecure, self centred and selfish, that I can understand that in these early days my hypothetical daughter in law will want her own family, whom she has known all her life, around her and that they and my hypothetical daughter in law's wishes, are more important than me.

I completely understand a “no visitor” ban for a week, wouldn’t have been my choice but I can see why people do. I do think it’s disingenuous thought to pretend that allowing one set of grandparents to not only visit, but to live there for two weeks, whilst not allowing the other even a cursory hello, isnt unfair and unkind.

OP is completely free to make whatever choice she feels works best, but there will be a knock on effect in the future based on that choice.

Hmm, a bit to unpick here. At the end of the day, you are entitled to your views op, and can have people visiting when you feel ready. However, your ILs have the right to feel aggrieved and upset that they have been treated differently. They defo do not have the right to send rude texts, and should have kept quiet. But you are hosting your family while excluding his. This is unfair - surely having them popping round and keeping it short could have been accommodated to help smooth future relationships. The reality here is this doesn’t bode well, and will likely cause rifts and unpleasantness going forward. That is just something you and your DH will need to deal with going forward op.

Wow bravo. That gets a slow clap.

She isn't more important.

I just can't imagine being so emotionally imature and childish that I needed to be treated 'the same' as the other set of grandparents. This is a real life baby, not a toy. Any grandparent who started being possessive of my newborn like this would be seeing them less, not more. The ILs strategy is going to back fire big time. After this carry on I doubt the parents will want them to be a big part of their DC's life. Have they actually done anything to support the new parents? Or just sent nasty messages to the new mother and had a tantrum about their 'rights'?

Of course the OP is.

Ask the baby. She doesn't give a fuck about these grandparents, she just wants her mum. The one these ILs have been sending nasty messages to.

I would respect a DIL’s wishes after having a baby so wouldn’t barge in or send abusive texts, but I would feel hurt if all her family were able to be around and I couldn’t even have one cuddle.

The OP doesn’t even have to see the in-laws if she doesn’t want to. She has 5 other people around who can support her whilst visit is taking place, sort the house out etc. DH can manage his mum and if she becomes overbearing, rude etc usher her out and tell her that behaviour is not acceptable and will limit her time with grandchild

I just can't imagine being so emotionally imature and childish that I needed to be treated 'the same' as the other set of grandparents. This is a real life baby, not a toy.

Same.

It's not being emotionally immature to want to meet your grandchild, ffs. Besides, if OP had just allowed her in-laws to meet her baby in the first place, she wouldn't be in this situation.

Oh, and how can they "support the new parents" when they aren't even allowed to meet their own son's newborn baby?

Are they allowed a look in to support the new parents. The other grandma has said no to visitors. What can they do?

It's emotionally immature to not understand why OP might only want her family around at this stage.

How entitled are the OPs family to think a new father wants to spend a fortnight hosting his ILs

'Started it'...again just so childish. And the ILs hardly have grounds for claiming that after how they treated OP in pregnancy. But they can carry on with their childish tantrums if they like, they will be the only ones losing out.

I know! How embarassing

But it's not emotionally immature to exclude the entirety of your husbands' family? Give me strength.

The baby will also be losing out.

OP I'm no fan of my in-laws but I do think YABU. They are family to my children and despite any issues I may have had with them, I support them having a relationship with the DC. It's important to me that my children have as wide a family as possible.