AIBU to not let my husbands family meet my newborn baby despite letting my family meet the baby?

[hello1999]

This post is going to be short as I gave birth 2 days ago and I'm exhausted 😅. We got home from the hospital this morning, I had a few complications during birth so they kept me at the hospital overnight. But my daughter is healthy and she is perfect.

My family came to visit at the hospital yesterday. My parents, my older brother and my older sister all came to visit. I didn't mind them being there, we are a close family so I wasn't bothered by them visiting. My mum and dad are staying with me and my husband for another 2 weeks to help us. And my siblings visited my house today, they stayed for dinner, and it was nice to chat to them without worrying about the fact I feel awful right now. However, I have asked my husbands parents and his siblings to wait a week before visiting us. Mainly because I don't feel comfortable being around people who aren't my close family whilst I am still in pain and adjusting to motherhood. I need a week to atleast figure out my routine.

My husband has no issue with this but my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts telling me that I am being selfish. They said that the baby is their family too so they should be able to meet the baby at the same time as my family. Apparently my pain can't be "bad enough" to stop me from having visitors over. According to my mother in law, back in her day, people gave birth and just got on with life. No fuss.

AIBU?

Sorry this post is short and might be lacking context. I am so tired.

So then why can’t you stay on the sofa and your DH makes cups of tea etc

They aren’t chilling though are they? They’re hosting her family.

Give over! Wanting his family to meet HIS own child when his partner's family already have isn't abusive or ordering her around. God the man haters are out in force today.

You are the poster who called the husband "weak" because what YOU think (not him, he's supporting his wife) is non-negotiable.

I don't know if I am always right but you are deranged.

did you bother reading the post I was replying to? If there's a man hater, it 's not me!

It's not about having priority. It's about them being treated the same as the other set of grandparents. If OP can host her family for dinner she can have her in-laws over for a couple of hours to meet their grandchild.

They're reacting the way they are because they're being pushed out and treated differently. They're hurt, and understandably so.

Most aren’t mother in laws yet and still think she is being unreasonable

I bet you'd be the first to to bitch about Grandparents who weren't interested in meeting their Grandchild or didn't want to help out in any way.

I have read your responses and have come to the conclusion that you are a man hater, and also in laws.

The OP is more important than the ILs. She's just given birth FFS. Her wishes matter!

They’ve waited this long, they can wait another week. You’re doing nothing wrong, OP. It’s the job of people around you to support YOU right now. It’s not appropriate for ANYONE else to call the shots, as if you’ve just been an incubator for the last nine months. If they feel any ounce of love, respect, decency and care, they’d put aside their (albeit understandable) eagerness and exercise patience and support. They should be asking how they can help, not putting pressure on you…and they could start by accepting that, for right now at least, they can help by waiting a bloody week before coming round. How quickly some people forget how intense and universe-altering having your first baby is. Congratulations on the safe arrival of your daughter. How wonderful (and appropriate!) that your immediate family is there for you. Make no apologies, OP. Do what works for you and don’t waste a single second worrying about anyone else X

They shouldn’t have messaged to say Op is selfish I do agree with that, they should have thought that quietly to themselves. Of course people want to see and hold a new baby that doesn’t make them bad people.

She's not so important that she gets to exclude her husbands' family for a week while simultaneously being well enough to host her own family for dinner

That would be understandable if she’s had her whole family over to visit and for dinner daily and her wishes was a visit for a couple of hours from in-laws. To not allow them for a week whilst her family have been there is so hurtful

Doesn't the Father have the right to have the joy of sharing his new baby with his family? He is part of the picture too, it's not all about the OP. There are plenty of ways the family can meet the baby without disruption.

@vegemitesandwicheswell she is and she does, and good on her. They lost their "rights" when they sent a new mother abusive texts.

I'm a mother of a son. I think she is being reasonable. I can't fathom the mindset of her in laws demanding they get to see the baby after 2 days and taking umbrage at being asked to wait a few days.

The father and his family are part of the child's life too. It's not actually all about the OP.

After my first baby I was feeling very anxious and tearful and I was overwhelmed by visitors. I had my mum staying with me to help out and my MIL and SIL came during the first week. I didnt really feel up to it but I wanted them to be able to meet my DS. I didnt want to be away from my baby but I took the opportunity to have a quick shower, wash my hair and get fresh pj's on then I went through and drank a cup of tea with them. Whole visit was an hour I would say. I think that would go a long way and honestly you will need to shower at some point anyway! Xx

It honestly is. I can't understand it at all. All this foot stamping about 'rights' and if it's 'fair' and who has the most 'baby cuddles' over having to wait at this point* not 4 years, not 4 months, 4 days *to see a new baby. Nobody has a 'right' to see that baby except her parents. She is not a doll, she is a human baby who just wants her mum right now. What about her 'rights'? What about the 'rights' of a new mum who has been through a difficult birth to have a few days at home to recover? What about her and the baby's 'rights' to establish breastfeeding? What about the new dad's 'rights' to have a few days breather from his not very nice family and their tantrums? How does the nasty ILs 'rights' to see a new baby within days of birth and argue over how many cuddles they have and what is 'fair' trump this?

If I am lucky enough to have a DIL who has a baby in the future, I will of course be super excited to see the baby and probably impatient! But I know I will have no 'rights' to see that baby. The recovery of mum and baby, establishing breastfeeding (if she so wishes) and my DC getting used to new parenthood will be the priorities. I will do what I can to support this. And I'm sure I will be invited for many visits with my DGC because I've not decided to alienate and upset the new parents from the word go. The ILs in this case have noone to blame but themselves if they don't have a close relationship with their DGC - all for the sake of waiting a few days to see this baby. I hope they think their tantrums were worth it.

I cannot believe the swing of the vote. You are asking for ONE WEEK. A one week old is still a tiny newborn baby! It will actually be smaller than newborn!

My in laws didn’t come until 3 weeks and we all actually had lovely time because things were a bit more normal.

Anyway, you had my full support at: “my mother in law and my sister in law have sent multiple texts…” that is unhinged behaviour considering you are 2 days postpartum, never mind the content that follows!

Also, in your MIL’s day they were all in hospital for at least a week being taken care of by the nursing staff. Much easier to receive visitors that way.

Agree 100%

I have said they shouldn't have sent the texts they did, but they wouldn't have been upset if OP hadn't excluded them and treated them differently to her own parents.

Hopefully OP doesn't ever expect her in-laws to come and help her out when her own family are busy or unavailable.

And does he have the right to wait a few days to adjust to new fatherhood before having to deal with his nasty family?

The child will still be around in a week. The ILs not seeing the baby til then doesn’t mean they aren’t part of the baby’s life. Also, the father has already made it clear he supports and understands OPs decision. And at this stage, it kind of is all about the OP. She’s carried and birthed the child. More power to her!