I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

He would have texted back that had he meant the kids he would have included their names.

There's your answer, then. Text him and ask. You'll get a response clarifying it, even if the tone might leave something to be desired. And if he refers you back to the original text, 'Can't exactly leave them at home alone, so the kids are obviously included, then. Cool'.

Cannot be doing with people who seem to pride themselves upon being as ambiguous as possible in case they're seen to be making a decision.

100% admit the text only mentioned my DH’s name.

So he only invited your husband - not you or the kids - to a Sunday BBQ?

I think I'd find that a bit rude TBH.

Well either you ring and be in wrong or take his messages very literally and respond to that or you do what you want and assume host will acommodate - which is what happened.

I didn’t know that I had a problem communicating. I didn’t think I was drip feeding, just answering questions as I went along.

Had I phoned him to clarify he would ask me why I needed anything clarifying. If he wants to actually speak he would always text first to see if it is convenient.

I genuinely do not know anyone who would expect siblings to find a babysitter for a family bbq on a Sunday afternoon!

I wouldn't even expect FRIENDS to invite to a Sunday afternoon bbq without kids.

It's very weird. So no, you are not unreasonable to have assumed what most people would have assumed to.

It's very shit move from the brother , who does that?

NeverDropYourMooncup Love your username.

He would be completely unambiguous.

I always do have childcare but it’s not something that he would think about. I didn’t think I needed it on a Sunday afternoon.

Bloody hell, your brother sounds like hard work.

If I had invited the parents of a 10 year old and a 7 year old for a BBQ on a weekend day, I would expect them to bring the children with them, @Notmotherofflowergirls. Where did your brother think the children would be - home alone? At the pub? Wandering round the shops?

I’m not sure I would assume that, if it included me and my husband by name. If it just said “are you…” I’d assume the “you” was all 4 of us. I’d just ask and clarify.

We'll if my brother or I issue an invite to the other, it's just assumed that everyone is invited. If you know that's not the case with your brother and you could anticipate what he'd have said if you'd clarified, it begs the question, why did you take the children?

I mean, it really doesn't matter what other families would do that isn't going to change your situation.

If I'd been invited to my brother's weekend afternoon bbq and my children weren't included, I just wouldn't have gone.

Same. A Sunday afternoon BBQ, surely it's a family thing!

Your brother sounds hella weird. This feels like some kind of power move - ("can you interpret his texts correctly" - oh no, you failed again! ) I honestly wouldn't find the energy to play this stupid game. No, you're far from unreasonable to think a brother inviting his sister and BIL to a weekend barbecue would include the kids. He sounds like a dick.

OP can you answer my question - did your brother's original text only include your DH by name? Does that mean that not just your kids but you yourself were also an unwelcome surprise to your brother and SIL when you turned up?

I already think it's shit not to invite children on family anything at home. You just put a movie or 2 for them in another room, buy a few treat snacks , how hard can it be. Who expect their siblings to pay for babysitters when you are staying in?

But on a Sunday afternoon? It's beyond weird.

Because that's even more strange and unreasonable, for your own brother to invite just your DH to a sunday afternoon BBQ without you and your DC!

So my siblings would say "oh she's not neurodivergent". But I am.

A) I wasn't diagnosed until last year
B) I haven't shared my diagnosis with them.

Neither of those remove the fact that 12 years ago I was autistic and my behaviour was often a result of the fact I am autistic, whether I or anyone else was aware of that.

Given the background you've specified (e.g., brother's interactions with your mother about inviting her partner or not) then I guess if I were considering going to one of his events I'd assume that the invitation is only for me and anyone else specified by name in the text, and if I were not sure I would text him to confirm my understanding and ignore him if he huffed that I had texted him for clarification when he didn't think it was needed.

Perfectly said.

Sorry, your brother is far too much hard work. And a bit unhinged. Who behaves like this.

OP, your brother sounds like a pain in the arse.

Neurodivergent people are no less compassionate than neurotypical people btw and I know of lots of us in altruistic job roles. Your brother seems to have difficulties with being interrupted, with flexibility and with seeing things from others' perspectives which is why it was mentioned. But if my sister texted to say "Do you and DH want to come to a BBQ" I would read that as possibly adults only and check with her. Obviously it's a bit mean not to invite your children and that's probably the main issue?

I agree with him with checking a call is convenient. You might be driving or in the middle of dinner or in the shower!

But if he thinks his text is clear, you merely say that it isn't clear and that's why you are asking. And tell him to shop being an officious twotsit and be clear in the first place. He's your brother, not your boss.

Your brother sounds like a right twat.

Hi bro whats happening mate do i bring the kids or not , fabby see ya'll laters, sorted

He sounds tiresome. Or a major knob.

It would never even cross my mind to double check whether my kids were included in an invitation to a family BBQ! And tbh if it turned out the kids weren't invited I probably wouldn't go myself.

It would be different if it were a formal, adult dinner party going late into the evening, but my kids would be really upset to be left at home with a babysitter for the afternoon whilst we went to a fun family event that they would enjoy (never mind having to pay said babysitter!)