I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

Again, can we please hear about the BBQ food that isn't sausages and burgers, @Notmotherofflowergirls ?

I’d certainly have assumed kids invited. What are you supposed to do with them? Lock them in basement?

Well then, what type of bbq was it?
You say your brother holds formal events, more formal than the rest of the family, and that this was not an ordinary bbq. It's sounding like more of a traditional dinner party event, with babies allowed as they are too young to leave with babysitters.

At ours

Satay chicken
Garlic prawns
Char Sui pork
Soy marinated squid
Chorizo, pepper and rocket rolls
Mini pizzas (on the pizza stone)

No burgers or sausages unless people are hungry after they’ve eaten and socialised and want something just before they go home, as they’re quick. Which rarely happens as we do lots of sides as well.

@WhatsUpWithGene the OP said it was on a Sunday afternoon - I do think if you invite your own family members, who have kids, to a BBQ on a Sunday afternoon the social convention is that it's a family occasion and the family comes as a package.

Evening is trickier and that's why people who send invitations have to be willing to clarify when people text to follow up. Because there are unspoken social conventions that make these things tricky, even if you think you've been clear.

I'm wondering if the BBQ was things like seafood, oysters, fancy stuff.

B**dy Whatsapp - just phone him and speak to each other.

Also, you say 'Sunday afternoon' but what time exactly are we talking? I'm starting to get confused about this formal bbq event with no children. Was it 2pm or more like 6pm?

So what did he cook at the BBQ, and why didn't he want your kids there? And what do you mean by a more formal event. How formal can a Sunday afternoon BBQ (with two babies present) get? And why don't people talk to each other on the phone any more. So many questions!

What's a major major issue? Ringing to check? Also if other children were there I don't understand what the issue was?

I would also expect that it was an invite for the whole family unless the text said otherwise.

It is v rude not to invite your kids especially as others had their babies which can be more distracting

is your kids behaviour ( or your management of it an isdue)

I didn’t know I hadn’t answered questions. Don’t know relevance of the food but here goes. BBQs. Proper steak, chicken, salmon, veggies and Vegan.

Lots of alcohol AND lots of non-alcoholic stuff.

Kids are nearly 10 and 7. No neurodivergence or behaviour issues and they have been invited there before.

No particular occasion just a get together before everyone goes off for summer. Probably about 25 people.

He isn’t controlling or anything like that. Probably leaves most stuff to SiL. Seems happy to be a dad.

I am really privileged in that I have lots of willing childcare but he wouldn’t see it as his problem if I didn’t.

My Dc would have eaten seafood etc.

Kids can attend events where sausages and hot dogs are not served without danger or risk.

you have got two choices really
Tolerate
Don't tolerate.

He would have texted back that had he meant the kids he would have included their names.

Assume that next time - seems odd to me as it would be a no can't get chidlcare on a sunday afternoon.

As he has a baby does he have on demand childcare and just assumes everyone esle does or just didn't bother thinking things through?

Your brother sounds odd and controlling. I would always assume my DS was involved, unless ‘adults only’ was raised to me.

Can I come to your next BBQ please, I won't bring my kids.

@DraigCymraeg "Bdy Whatsapp - just phone him and speak to each other."

Yep, people are going to lose the ability to hold conversations at this rate. If they haven't already. It's bloody ridiculous.

Seems pretty similar to her brother's!

So it starting to sound as if he is clear on who is invited but others make assumptions based on time of day/type of event/partner was invited before!

OK, so it was a sort of adult friends BBQ rather than 'family'.
25 adult friends isn't really a family occasion.
He doesn't have the wit or grace to understand that in most people's worlds a Sunday afternoon BBQ from your brother usually means his nieces / nephews would be included.
He is very literal in his communication.
So take him as you find him.

(OP - YOU brought up the food by telling us it wasn't a sausage and burger BBQ, so it seemed relevant)

Yes I totally get that and would expect children automatically if I held a casual Sunday afternoon BBQ with no notice because I appreciate it would be impossible to arrange childcare and I’d want to see the children anyway.

OP has referred to her brother holding more formal gatherings though and hasn’t included enough information about what the BBQ was for or how much notice given so it’s not really clear if he’s BU without that information.

She has been drip feeding bits of information which is why I replied to the quote about her communication style.

It just sounds very odd as pp’s have said and I feel we are missing part of the story.

I thought issue was phone and whatsapping to clarify is frowned on by both brother and his wife. So OP left to figure out what is meant when most of us would just ring text whatapp to find out.

Now she knows he only means those mentioned - she know in future that is what is meant.

If next time Op yoou only do/take what is literally in any text and that's wrong well it's likely a power play of putting you in wrong OP.

He would have texted back that had he meant the kids he would have included their names.

So if you knew your brother would have responded in that way it sounds like you know his communication style and who the invite was for - solely the two people mentioned, you and your husband (or actually, as you admit, just your husband). So it sounds like you were the one being challenging OP? Sounds like you knew who it would have been for but wanted your children there anyway? I think you and your brother would be tiring to deal with.

No, if you're going against a social convention (that a sunday afternoon BBQ invite includes the whole family, not just the adults), then the onus is on the brother to be clear that that's not actually the case.

@CrypticClueless my kids would also have eaten seafood! DS2 has adored raw oysters since he was allowed to have them - I only mentioned it because some people don't like to "waste" expensive stuff on kids, or make the assumption that kids will only eat burgers, hot dogs, pasta and junk food so they won't have anything to eat if they come along.

Yes - I find it frustrating too!