I assumed my children were included in brother’s barbecue invitation

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

So you receive a text from your brother himself the father of a one year old, asking if you and your husband want to come to a barbecue on a Sunday afternoon.

Would you expect that your two children were included in the invitation?

I have a friend who ALWAYS rings me to confirm I am meeting her when I am on my way to meet her as planned. It drives me mad. I always say there is no need to do this.

Someone once did this to my brother and he was just beyond rude. My SiL called him on it. She is really charming as he is. However when they invited us all round once my mum rang SiL asking if she could bring something, again something we would think was normal. SiL just saw it as a disturbance to her preparation.

My mother met our step-father through us, we were at primary school with his kids and brother and stepbrother were best friends at primary school.

We remain close and do socialise BUT WE HAVE ANOTHER STEPSIBLING, the full sibling of the others.

My brother would never invite him anywhere because he is 13 years younger and doesn’t really know them. Her wouldn’t get that all three should be treated the same.

So basically he's a guy who can't actually make it in the real world but gets his element of control and self importance by dictating how he communicates to family and controling their movements/making life difficult by not wanting a partner or certain kids there. But isn't grown up enough/likes to controlling in a small man way to actually spell out what he wants

Ok, now I'm invested.
What type of BBQ was it?

He sounds controlling, wanting to keep people separate. You can't do that within families. Where did he expect you'd get childcare on a Sunday afternoon? People are wierd

If he always argues back that his texts are clear, you have to tel lhim that they are NOT.

Because most people assume that a day time family invite to a bbq in the garden would include young children because

1. there's no good reason not to
2. because otherwise you'd have to go to the expense and bother of hiring childcare for the afternoon
3. as parents you like spending weekends with your children and think it is good for them to attend family events and get to know members of your family.
4. Who wants to waste a Sunday afternoon with someone who has excluded your children for no apparent reason.

And tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it.

If he continues to argue.. he is your brother, you can reply.

"Brother you are really wierd.
You think your texts clear. They are not. Because no one can understand your reasons for excluding people.
Next time.. Be specific about who is and who is not invited.. and we can make the decision about whether we will or will not bother to come.
BTW, telling our mother that she should "read the text again", when she simply asked you for clarification was both rude and disrespectful"

Before my DBro had kids of his own, he used to sometimes forget that I had kids that needed to be taken care of - he used to quite frequently text me and DH in the evenings to come out and would act confused when we'd say only one of us could come, or we'd need more notice to arrange a babysitter. Now he has kids of his own, he gets it!

If I got a message from him now to get together, I always assume the kids are invited unless it was explicitly set out to be adults only - and that would pretty much only be an evening dinner party or meal at a restaurant. At home for a BBQ, all the kids would be included by default, but in our family we take getting cousins together quite seriously.

Your brother sounds very strange and controlling, and the mind games where you aren't able to check who's invited and just told "refer to the text" are pathetic.

In his (sort of) defence if I got that text from my sibling I'd be like "hang on...do you mean just us two are invited?"

But that just wouldn't happen in my family, if it's a day event with other kids mine would 100% be invited.

So it's just weird all round.

Me too!
And in what way that children couldn't be included? A sit down dinner in a marquee on the lawn? Naked pool party?

Just ask him. 🤷‍♀️

I would 100% assume kids invited to any day time BBQ unless the invite specifically said 'adults only'

igelkott2026

He would have texted back that had he meant the kids he would have included their names.

DraigCymraeg

He would see that there would be nothing to check as all the details were in the original WhatsApp.

Your brother sounds compassionate for the public (his visible role) but an ass in private (with family).

Of course you assumed your children were invited; most people would as it was a family event and didn't specify adults-only. Where did he think you would put your children if they weren't included without actual notice that it was adults-only? (which it wasn't; plenty of babies there!)

So what’s the type of BBQ that doesn’t involve BBQ food ? You’re coming across just as oddly as your brother now tbh OP

What type of BBQ was it, out of interest?

Yes, I would assume children were invited. What did he expect you to do with your children?

Kindly, you have quite a few threads relating to you and/or your daughter/s not being included in events with friends and with both sides of your family- can you see no reason why this may be the case?

From the outside, I’m wondering if there are any behavioural issues or wider issues that are influencing others’ decisions.

I expect there were ribs and chicken pieces and steaks, rather than hotdogs and burgers in a bun.

If he's that difficult then I'd not be at the bbq anyway! It doesn't sound a pleasant way to spend a Sunday if he sends an invite to your DH and it doesn't include family (but you're just meant to guess that). I'd bin him off "So sorry, we thought it was all of us, but no worries, we can leave you in peace <small laugh>". I'd say not including family to a bbq invite is unusual unless you say so but who wants to play guessing games with King Cock-Up.

I would say, "To avoid any more confusion, please don't invite me to events where my children aren't invited. I won't be paying for childcare to attend a family event, so I will only come if they can."

The whole point is that the OP CAN'T ask him - whenever she has he says a smug "refer to the earlier text" which is unhelpful.

I think he might need to have it spelled out to him that he may not realise this yet as his DC is only one, but as a social convention, when you invite the parents of a family with children to anything during the daytime on a weekend, the family comes as a unit unless otherwise specified.

You both sound very odd

You did ithing wrong. I'd expect him to be explicit about it if the children were not invited.

Yes, it does leave rather a lot to be desired.

I've just re-read seen that his text only included your DH's name! So you're saying that according to his stupid games, not only were your DC not expected but you yourself, his own sister, wasn't expected either?!

It’s a bit frustrating with the drip feeding and not including relevant information or answering questions about things like the children’s ages and if the BBQ was for a specific or special occasion.

I suspect there is a bit of a backstory or more to it. We don’t know what the text said or how much notice was given.

I have no children and have had adult BBQ’s in the evening where it’s been clear by the invite it’s not suitable for children with lots of notice.
I appreciate though that this is different as it’s a Sunday afternoon which makes it seem like a family afternoon occasion and in normal circumstances children would be automatically expected.

My text to a friend would say something like
”Would you and Chris like to come on Saturday evening for a BBQ in 3 weeks time?
We’ve got plenty of drinks so no need to bring anything and veggie options as well as steak, Salmon and kebabs etc.
Sarah, Poppy and Lucy are coming with their husbands so hope to see you then”.

If someone had brought their children I’d have been a bit surprised but then they could easily post on here:
“AIBU for bringing my children to a weekend BBQ at a friend’s when they weren’t expected?” without that context and I’d expect the majority to say IABU.

Without the full story we don’t really know if OP’s brother is BU despite the OP making it seem he is.