AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

But if the brother expects people to go to the 3 limited restaurants when they are inviting people he’s not taking the happiness of extended family into account. I wouldn’t particularly enjoy a meal at McDonalds

I really don't think YABU, surely they can spend the day together, so the cinema and then skip the meal? At least they have one food option.

What a stupid post.

It's great OP won't spoil her daughter's special treat to appease fussy eaters.

No big deal.

Brava, @Shodan.

I have paused my reading at your post, so perhaps the thread then takes a different turn. But as I read to this point I was growing more and more incredulous.

True, OP initially suppressed the extreme pickiness of this one set of cousins. But she did make it clear early on that others were looking forward to the restaurant. And now we know why, as it is surely a welcome change from the three places with exactly the right chicken nuggets and chips. We all know that those are not likely to offer the most delicious food in general.

Why no one commented on the selfishness of the picky eaters in bending the extended family to their culinary demands for, apparently, quite some time, is beyond me. In my home country their behaviour would be unthinkable unless severe, diagnosed autism or a similar disorder was the cause. Educating children’s palates should be part of helping them to grow up.

I would change the reservation to a generic restaurant where everyone will be happy with a reasonably priced and more suitable for all meal, eplaining to your daughter that in this way all the cousins she wants to spend time with will come.
I would then book another day as ongoing 'birthday celebrations' just for your family at the seafood restaurant and, because it is in a higher price bracket perhaps make it special by all dressing smartly and making it more of an immediate family celebration, maybe arrange for a small bouquet of flowers or a little extra present gift-wrapped on her place setting.
Although I do agree that your brother and family could perhaps have gone with the flow without making a fuss, I think they could make the meal more awkward by making a point of not liking the menu, just ordering chips or whatever and thus spoiling the occasion.
At 12 your daughter is old enough to undertand this and should be happy with the change of arrangements once she understands the reason.
Apologies if this has already been mooted, haven't read the complete thread yet.

If you are truly bothered by your cousins you will …. allow them to show how little they are bothered by you by allowing them to dictate what you do on your birthday …

Brother never has to compromise. The whole family always goes where they want to eat.

This is your daughter's birthday. She can go where she wants. If they can't come because they couldn't possibly feed their kids anything other than chicken nuggets and chips then that's on them

Everyone - apart from birthday girl who didn’t want a generic restaurant

This is a tell me you are a picky eater without telling me you are a picky eater post.

Seafood is not a niche preference. Judging by the popularity of fish restaurants, it is enjoyed by huge numbers of people.

I would be encouraging my children to try new things and be more adventurous than living on beige freezer food.

Because my daughter wants to go to a restaurant on her actual birthday. And the rest of the family, apart from my brother, wants to go to this restaurant too.

I’d say “that’s where we are going. You’re all invited. Come, don’t come. Up to you’.

It's her daughter's birthday so her wishes should come first. She normally never gets to go to this restaurant but has chosen this as a birthday treat.

As an adult, I doubt whether you would choose to have a meal in a restaurant that you didn't really like rather than your favourite restaurant.

I had a child with ARFID and in this scenario he would have just had chips and I would have made him something else when we got home.

How about the cousins learning consequences? If they’re fussy as fuck, there won’t always be something they like to eat. (Presuming non neurodiversity)

It actually seems incredibly likely they are neurodiverse if all 3 eat such a limited diet.

I'm constantly taking my youngest to places where she won't eat a thing. I really don't see the big deal.

Wth am I reading? Do NOT relent OP, under no circumstances. Go to your daughter's favourite restaurant 100%.

As for the 'selfish' comments.. So let me get this straight. A girl who is celebrating her birthday needs to consider others' needs before her own, choose a place she doesn't want to go to, foregoing her favourite restaurant, even though everyone else other than one of her uncles is happy to attend. Otherwise, she's apparently 'selfish'. On her own birthday, no less.

But OP's brother, with his ridiculous beige kids, who dictates every family occasion, and who is apparently can go to only 3 restaurants - he and his chicken nuggets kids are perfectly reasonable and fine. So OP, her daughter, and all the extended family have to dance to the tune of some McDonald's sprogs.

If you relent on this, OP, you're teaching your daughter to be a people pleaser, to overlook her own needs, put others before her, and that she doesn't matter. Because in life there will always be 'that cousin', 'that colleague', 'that friend', 'that whoever'. She needs to learn to prioritise herself and say no. Your brother can stay home.

As a PP alluded to - can you phone the restaurant and ask them if they will do plates of plain pasta for DB's children? Or the children can have chips having had something before.
Honestly I think once in a while DB has to face up to the fact his children cannot be accommodated perfectly every single time.

Even with neuro diversity, at some point you have to learn you can't always have things your own way. Either go or don't. My daughter (AuDHD) frequently sits in restaurants and eats chips (and sometimes doesn't eat anything) whilst the rest of us enjoy a lovely meal. It's a life skill.

None of the kids have been diagnosed as neurodivergent

You never know the children might actually find something they like at the restaurant

And I bet there will be at least one pudding they like

I'm with you on this OP. Picky eaters - and allowing children to be picky eaters - irritates me. Children offered an array of interesting food (which my DC as children would have eaten) and wanting plain pasta or chips is ridiculous. Introduce different foods when they are small, keep eating ditto - my DC were brought up on what I think others would find very hot spiced food (and veggie food at home - they and I ate meat outside) and they still eat this and feed it to their DC.
I think we could call this habit of only eating bland foods we know about 'Elvis syndrome'?

I'd have some food at yours after the cinema (a few pizzas or something) and then take your DD to the restaurant another time.

I get that she wants to enjoy the restaurant and spend time with her cousins, but if it's something they specifically don't like, you really can't expect them to do it.

That doesn't mean that they aren't.

You've been given some good advice on including everyone but if your daughter wants to eat there then tell your brother he's unfortunately not able to come and hopefully you can do something with them another time.

Well the brothers’ DC self limit their choices to a certain type of chicken nugget, plain pasta and chips, anyway. So I cannot see that a restriction to chips is a huge let down.

I suspect these kiddos are up for pudding, however.

There’s nothing at all on the entire children’s or adult menu that your nieces and nephews would eat ?!!
your brother has bigger problems than just this celebration so. Offer your daughter the choice -you proceed without your bro and his kids, or you change the restaurant to something everyone is able to eat at.