AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

Sounds like you always have to compromise for his family if eating with them. Time for your DD to have restaurant of her choice.

Are the DC just fussy or are there medical reasons they have limited diet. Can you check with restaurant whether they can do plain food or if medical need you can bring some of their own food

Don't change the restaurant.

Ask BIL if plain pasta / pesto pasta is OK, which it sounds like it will be.

Call the restaurant and explain. I'm sure they will be able to accommodate three children's plain pasta portions.

Not in the UK it isn't! Children are brought up on chicken nuggets and have been for a long time now. I was fed sea urchins and raw vongole on the dock at Procida as a child, they don't introduce kids to things here.

This assumes they are truly bothered about the cousins. I'm getting the sense that isn't the case. I honestly can't imagine choosing somewhere to eat where people I cared about couldn't get a decent meal.

I've already said I am vegan but I would never insist on everyone going to a vegan only restaurant with me because my dad likes to eat traditional meat and two veg.

Equally they would never choose a steakhouse where I couldn't eat the main course.

We love and care about each other so we choose places where we can all eat even if that means there's a bit of a compromise.

It's an important life lesson about compassion and caring that op ought to teach her daughter (and any sons, if she has them) but seems reluctant to.

Can't you explain to your daughter that this restaurant is extremely expensive, and you'll take her another time, rather than have to sub the rest of the family for her birthday?

Your daughter is already having another party with her friends. She is very fortunate to be getting two celebrations for a 12th.

Your logic doesn't really make sense to me in light of the fact you've stated that you can't justify ever taking your daughter to this restaurant at any other time ... but somehow you can justify subbing the entire extended family to attend for a 12th birthday.

It’s not a refined diet to eat fish. Problem is too many seem to have an issue with even trying fish unless it comes in finger or battered format

neither of you are unreasonable, you daughter should get her choice and if your brothers kids wont eat anything then he is more then entitled to say we will join you for the cinema but go home after as I don't want to waste money on food my kids wont eat.

It sounds boring always going to same 3 restaurants. It’s your daughter’s birthday so she picks, it’s not your brothers or the cousins birthday -they can pick on their own birthdays. Not your fault or your daughters the wider family are picky, they need to work on that

I think your daughter should choose whichever restaurant she wants to on her birthday. If people don't like her choice, or are being difficult about eating chips or appetiser dishes instead of a main meal, they don't have to come. It's a shame, but...your daughter's birthday doesn't revolve around her cousins.

They can choose to go or not to go, expecting to explode the whole of your daughter's birthday plans because his children are picky eaters is not a reasonable expectation.

Exactly.
I suspect mentioning the offer of helping with costs was,
a) to pre-empt criticism on here about OP expecting people to pay for meals at an expensive restaurant for her 12 year old's birthday, or
b) because she knew her family would be unlikely to accept the offer.

If they'd all said yes, please cover us as well then you'd be looking at paying out a lot more than you would for a meal for two adults and two kids at the restaurant in addition to takeaway pizza and 'special' chicken nuggets in the garden for the wider family on the day of the birthday.

Then again. Cause it costs a lot of money. Money I wouldn't spend on any other occasion. I don't want to cover the cost of everybody's meals, but I would have if I had too.

Personally I’d do the restaurant as just your family another night and go to McDonald’s or something easier and cheaper for extended family.

But other members of the extended family do want to go to this restaurant.

If your daughter wants to spend time with her cousins and also have a meal out, she needs to pick somewhere that will suit everyone.

The restaurants that suit brother's children don't suit the rest of the family, but they always go there. Why shouldn't it be someone else's choice for a change?

OP says they always compromise when going out with these cousins, maybe it is time for the cousins to compromise

You seem to be missing the point. Have a meal with just your daughter at the expensive seafood restaurant and go to a cheaper place en masse where everybody can afford their own. Daughter sounds a bit spoilt frankly and you are enabling her.

"The restaurants that suit brother's children don't suit the rest of the family, but they always go there."

Has this actually been said?

That isn’t always possible however

it’s important that people learn how to give and take
That they learn to make do sometimes if it makes someone else happy

what tends to happen is one person gives all the time and the other takes

I didn’t say eating fish was refined in itself but the OP is making much about how expensive it is and how she knows the other people won’t be able to afford it alongside how the cousins will only eat nuggets and chips and are so very picky. The comparison feels a bit “look how superior we are” to me.

If there are specific people you want to come to an event, the polite thing is to be inclusive and not expect them to sit there with some chips. She can’t have the bun and the ha’penny!

Okay. None of my family needed help with the costs but they are also considerate people and if I was paying for the whole table, my family would have made sure they didn't order the most expensive thing on the menu. I financially could do this, however I would need to make other financial changes for the next month in order to afford this. Not ideal, but I would have been willing to do this for my daughters sake.

However, intentionally going to two birthday dinners would be a waste of money. Yes I could afford it. But I would be financially struggling for the next month for no reason. Especially if the reason we would have to go to 2 different restaurants is because of my brother

I wouldn’t change the restaurant as that’s where your daughter wants to go but you and your daughter can’t get upset if your brother and his family don’t go because his kids don’t like anything on the menu.

There are none seafood dishes on the menu ? It’s not just fish

No, because good manners and consideration are reciprocal.

So when inviting, you consider everyone's happiness. When being invited, your happiness should be considered.

If you're not used to good manners, it might be hard to understand at first but it all works out fair in the end.

Especially if the reason we would have to go to 2 different restaurants is because of my brother

You don't have to do two restaurants though. Surely you can have some food at home on one day when they are playing in the garden and then go out on a separate day to the restaurant?

surely if you gave 3 picky eaters you know there have to be times you compromise, rather than everyone else always having to compromise for you. Everyone else in the extended family want to go to this restaurant. If it is a large booking I am sure the restaurant will be able to accommodate the picky eaters as they wouldn’t want to turn away a large booking

It is your daughter's birthday. She has chosen.
If your brother and his children don't like the option, they can not come!
No need to overthink it.
If his children remain so difficult about their food they will miss out on a lot as they get older.