AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

Seems like there are other cousins who want to go to the restaurant, OP mentions other kids

it seems to me that its your daughter's choice. If she wants the whole family then she chooses another restaurant, if she wants that restaurant, then all her invitees won't come. I think 12 is old enough to understand this and to make the choice, maybe with some support.

You put that so much better than I was drafting in my head.

Well its not fair to force your daughter to change her birthday meal to accommodate his kids fussiness. Its HER day

OP has said there are non seafood options.

Most British fish restaurants have them.

Suggest to him that he takes his kids to McDonalds whilst the rest of you eat . As PP said, it’s an invite not compulsory. If they can’t find a single thing on the menu then maybe best they don’t come

And expensive chips at that !

Tell your brother that it’s your daughters birthday and she decides how she spends her day, then gently ask whether he or his kids would happily plans his kids birthday activity around the preference of your children.
of course in a way that is not as blunt as I have just put it 😂
This kind of thing, if entertained, teaches your brothers children that only their needs matter, and conditions the accommodating party that their needs don’t matter

Some people would say they should just learn to eat what they're told to, but others would say that these days that attitude isn't ok as we understand things like ARFID etc (not saying they're got that, just saying that in the past children were just supposed to not make a fuss and eat what they were told).
Personally for a birthday meal, I'd always pick a place that's likely to be ok for most people, as lots of my family and friends have different religious/ethical or other reasons for food needs. It is your daughter's birthday, but if she's aware that this place doesn't work for everyone, I'd discuss this, and say that she's said she wants her cousins, so would she prefer to pick another place?
If not, that's a choice, but I would just make sure she's aware.

Even if there were vegan options

Wth am I reading? Do NOT relent OP, under no circumstances. Go to your daughter's favourite restaurant 100%.
As for the 'selfish' comments.. So let me get this straight. A girl who is celebrating her birthday needs to consider others' needs before her own, choose a place she doesn't want to go to, foregoing her favourite restaurant, even though everyone else other than one of her uncles is happy to attend. Otherwise, she's apparently 'selfish'. On her own birthday, no less.
But OP's brother, with his ridiculous beige kids, who dictates every family occasion, and who is apparently can go to only 3 restaurants - he and his chicken nuggets kids are perfectly reasonable and fine. So OP, her daughter, and all the extended family have to dance to the tune of some McDonald's sprogs.
If you relent on this, OP, you're teaching your daughter to be a people pleaser, to overlook her own needs, put others before her, and that she doesn't matter. Because in life there will always be 'that cousin', 'that colleague', 'that friend', 'that whoever'. She needs to learn to prioritise herself and say no. Your brother can stay home.
💯
I said earlier, it's her choice. Why give her a choice and let her be excited that she is hoing somewhere that she really wants to go and then take it away from her and then have to go to some beige place to keep BIL and his kids happy. That would be such a disappointment for her.

87% think YANBU, but for some reason you seem focused on justifying yourself to the 13% who think YABU. Can I ask why? I’m always intrigued when people do this.

Surely the answer is your brother and his kids don't go. If you are having a birthday party for your DD you should be picking up the tab anyway.

I assume because she is responding to posts saying her child is selfish

Then he can be upset. It is your DD's day and this is what she wants. Sounds like the fussy eaters already dictate a lot venue wise, this time they can like it or lump it.

OP, if you afford it, take your daughter to France one year for her birthday. Fill all your boots with fish. 🐟🦐
My teenaged nieces were horrified to see French children eating Mussels, various fish, pate, oh, all sorts of foods that weren't beige, and actually joining in the family table conversation at dinner in a restaurant. No children's menu, just half plates if required.

So, you have lunch in the restaurant with those that want to eat, then go on to the cinema, then maybe drinks and nibbles in the park or your garden. The three cousins won’t then feel miffed that they can’t eat anything at the restaurant.

She should absolutely be able to pick the restaurant she wants on her birthday. Let’s not teach a 12 year old that on her special day when she’s been told she gets to make all the choices, she has to be self sacrificing to placate others. Tell your brother he can explain to his kids their day ends after all the other activities or they can have chips.

The OP’s brother makes the extended family go to the three restaurants his children will eat at. Doesn’t that mean he doesn’t care about his family?
@Sirzymakes it clear that her son shouldn’t be the deciding factor in a restaurant choice.

It is a very different background.

It doesn't really sound like you love your brother and his children very much, you are being very judgemental.

Either your daughter wants to eat at this particular restaurant, or she wants all her cousins there - it sounds like she can't have both. At 12, she's old enough to accept that and there's no need to bitch about it. We can't shape the world to our whim, even on our birthdays.

I assume your daughter value the food over the company of her cousins, which is fine

And I would assume that the daughter is really excited to be going somewhere really special on her birthday. If I was her auntie I would be happy that she is getting a special treat!

It's no good, I've got to say, do you mean OP's daughter is shellfish.... I'll get my coat.

I nearly put that in my post 😂

If you all compromise the rest of the time, then your brother and his family can suck it up for once.

Well I would find my love for my brother declining each time he insisted on getting his own way