AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

Oh behave yersel 🙄

Exactly.

Some people are allergic to chocolate.

That doesn't make chocolate a niche preference!

I wouldn't go to a fish restaurant. My children, when they were kids ,only ate the processed fish eg fish fingers, fish cakes so they would not have liked the thought of the restaurant.

However, that is on us. It is your DD birthday and she has been given a choice of where she wants to go and made a decision on her preferences. No way should that be taken from her to fit in with someone else. Let her enjoy her meal and dont compromise. If you give in you are teaching her that other people's preferences ( in this case suprise suprise, males) are more important than hers, especially when the day is about her.

You can always have a gathering and cake at your house later on.
I hope she gas a fab day and enjoys her fabulous meal.

Why? We get to have a lovely meal of her choice together, and another day she gets to play with her cousins all day, go to the cinema and McDonald’s or wherever. Better than the cousins not coming at all.

Exactly.

I don’t see how teaching her to consider others is giving her the message that she ‘doesn’t matter’.

There are loads of things that I would choose based on my own preferences. However, if I specifically asked and chosen to spend the day with someone, I need to factor in their needs/wants.

My sister was vegan for many years, and if I wanted to spend my birthday meal with her then I wouldn’t have booked a steakhouse. I’m having a big farewell party in a few weeks, and I’ve compromised on the food and location so that our friends can bring their young children to celebrate with us. Their presence and celebrating with them is more important to me than going to a specific restaurant. Making that choice doesn’t mean that I ‘don’t matter’. And I say all this as a massive foodie who can’t stand picky eaters.

If your daughter wants to spend time
with her cousins and also have a meal out, she needs to pick somewhere that will suit everyone. She can’t really have both if she’s picked somewhere they don’t like the food. It’s unfair for them to have to sit with a plate of chips.

I’d suggest that it would be more reasonable to pick a place everyone will enjoy and visit the seafood restaurant another time.

I also feel a bit of judgement coming from you about the range of food your brothers kids will eat….. it’s not something I can put my finger on but it’s just your wording.

I’d also add that you’ve probably made people feel uncomfortable mentioning helping them to pay.

In your brothers shoes I wouldn’t take my kids somewhere where their food options are limited to chips.

The part that doesn't make sense to me is that you say you can't take your daughter to this restaurant at any other time because you can't justify the cost of eating there.

Yet for her 12th birthday you can somehow justify subbing everyone else rather than go somewhere else for her birthday that everyone can attend, AND take her to the restaurant at a later date with just immediate family members. That would be infinitely cheaper.

Oh there you go, hes coming now, despite not liking the food, so no problem is there? What's the point of this thread then?

I did think you were being a bit unreasonable, if your daughter wanted to spend the day with her cousins, then they should compromise. However, after reading your update as to how fussy these kids actually are and that they have limited family gathering to three restaurants, I have changed my mind. It sounds like the family compromise enough around your brother's kids so let you daughter have the birthday she wants and they can join you later. I don't know why he is complaining they can only eat chips, I bet that's all they eat most of the time anyway! If you are going to let your kids be such fussy eaters then you have to accept that events revolving around food are not going to suit you.

No. That decisions have consequences and she needs to decide whether she prioritises the restaurant experience or her cousins attendance. Both perfectly reasonable choices.

Ok, so how about this: contact your brother and tell him that you will pay for the children's chips and desserts and drinks as you recognise that they cannot eat at the restaurant that's been chosen, but you would still really like them to come.

If you make a gesture like that perhaps that will ease the upset over choosing somewhere the kids can't eat and he will feel more positively inclined and considered by you.

While it’s not unreasonable of course, and your dad wants to show her cousins the stuff she loves which is so nice, I was a picky eater as a child and seafood/ posh/ certain restaurants were miserable experiences where inevitably one person would make comments ‘but would you not try x or y’, if I didn’t someone would roll their eyes, if I did and gagged more roll of eyes. Hated it . Sometimes I didn’t even like the chips/ potatoes/ rice but would force them down while smartass adults made comments to my poor parents about how I’d eat differently if I were in their house. Worse still were the kids trying to turn me. Shudders!!

You (and your daughter) are not being unreasonable. I am at a loss to understand those who suggest that your daughter must learn to compromise - compromise is great and should be practiced in most circumstances. But teaching children that they must always, even on a day that is supposed to celebrate them, give in to the whims of others is to teach them that their own happiness is always less important than others’. It is a dangerous lesson, especially for girls, who then grow up thinking they ought to put up with shitty, entitled, behaviour..

Your brother and his kids can come or not. Just chips for one meal won’t kill them. Why isn’t your brother teaching his children that they should accommodate your daughter, rather than expecting you to teach her to accommodate them? On her birthday of all days. Is he always an entitled so-and-so? I bet he always has a tantrum and gets his own way…

Can you call the restaurant and explain your dilemma? You're going there with a relatively big party and I'm sure it would minimal trouble for them to make something that the 3 children would like to eat (if you know what their preferences are or could suggest something that you think the restaurant would be likely to be able to put together)?

This is a 50/50 for me. Whilst I’m 🙄 about children who ‘will only eat chicken nuggets’ (would they have starved before chicken nuggets were invented?) equally, your daughter is being a bit Verruca Salt in demanding their presence to entertain her for her birthday, but then discarding them for the meal.

The respective adult parents should be not be pandering to their offspring’s whims quite as much (as Roald Dahl did caution - nothing good can come of it). An encouragement to try a bit of simple white fish like cod won’t kill them, and by the same token, you could go to your fancy fish restaurant at any other time.

Because I'm willing to pay a lot of money to help everybody pay for dinner for the sake of my daughter being happy on her birthday. That doesn't mean I want to spend stupid amounts of money paying for everybody, but I would if I had to

I do think it's important to find somewhere everyone likes. Also it's awkward asking people to somewhere expensive - it's embarrassing for them if you pay part. Can't you eat there another time?

Why do you all have to do dinner together? Can you not just say DD really wants to go to the fish restaurant. We know that won't work for you so we will do a later booking so we can all spend the day together then go out separate ways for dinner.

I am the parent of a 'picky' eater and it's not easy managing social situations, regardless of who's birthday it is. You can't really expect the child to take up a seat in a restaurant and sit for a few hours while everyone else around them eats.

I'd just have a lovely day with the cousins and book the restaurant for the next evening for just your small family group.

Otherwise, she may need to decide which she is more keen in - cousins at a different restaurant or no cousins at the fish restaurant.

You could just announce that in accordance with your brother’s wishes, the day now officially ends at dinner time so everyone can do their own thing. No pretending a crappy routine meal at McDonald’s is a birthday treat.

You will be taking your DD out first a posh meal she really wants after that, and you’d be very happy if anyone else wanted to do the same.

Exactly the same outcome. You can’t pretend a routine McDonald’s/plastic pub meal that happens all the time and is no treat is actually a birthday treat.

He’s got picky kids, that’s the problem. Either he or you could phone the restaurant and explain, they might make plain pasta or whatever his kids can eat.

Having kids you can’t eat out with is boring, but it shouldn’t affect the plan. Hopefully they can have desert at the restaurant also?

I wouldn’t change the restaurant.

I find it really annoying when plans have to change to cater for fussy eaters. Went on holiday with another family and they picked the restaurant every night for 9 days because it’s had things their kids would eat. It was all the same menu in each place. Steak, burgers etc. my son had asked several times to eat at this particular restaurant and I promised we would so the night before the last evening I made it perfectly clear that we were going there. Made sure I said it several times. They checked the menu on arrival and said to the waiter, sorry we can’t eat here we don’t need the table. I looked at them and said pardon. They explained their kids just won’t eat anything. I said oh ok. Well we’ll have a table and we’ll meet you for cocktails after at another place. All fine, but they never turned up at the cocktail bar. F
next morning they came down for breakfast late and sat away from us. Went over and said hello etc and they were frosty. Asked if everything was ok and they said well we thought we were holidaying together and not apart. I couldn’t believe it. I said are we all on holiday or are we on your holiday? We have done everything you’ve wanted to do from activities, to what lilos we bought, to snacks we’ve eaten and everywhere we’ve eaten if we’ve liked it or not has been at their wish. We’ve asked for one restaurant and if anyone should be upset it’s us as we’ve requested only one thing and they couldn’t even give us that. Just because my kids are not fussy doesn’t mean they’ve enjoyed their food. They don’t want to chicken nuggets everyday. People who pander like this to their kids are often more selfish than the parents who don’t

But as the poster said surely you can do both. Your daughter could go to the restaurant she wants with immediate family and on the day do something that would be inclusive to everyone? It would be cheaper and more inclusive.

Actually having read some of the OP further posts about these poor nugget and chip eating kids and their pickiness, I’m starting to think this might be more of a stealth boast about how refined your daughters taste in food is with this very expensive seafood restaurant being what she’s absolutely desperate to go to. Add into that your comment about other people not being able to afford it and you offering to help the poor chip eaters out, I’d definitely not be bringing my kids.