AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

Yeah but she's not the hostess and they're not the guests if she's expecting them to pay! She's a CF

Just order chips and call the restaurant ahead and ask if they’d do an off menu pizza or sausages etc for DNs.

It's your daughters birthday so her choice if they don't like the food too bad 🙁 they can stay home and not ruin the day or they can eat afterwards

I appreciate the concern many people for their budgets in the situation you mention, but it is sad when DC don’t approach new foods with confidence.

In France and Italy children in a full day of school are strongly encouraged to eat school dinners. These are of high nutritional and aesthetic quality, served in courses. New foods are carefully introduced from a young age, with prior classroom discussion. Aside from exemptions for health, religion and (reluctantly) documented vegetarianism and veganism, children are expected to eat what they are served.

It doesn’t work perfectly but it works well on the whole. I would be very happy to eat most of the food I’ve seen, and a majority of the children do very well with the system. It creates happy, confident eaters.

I think that would be amazing - high quality school dinners are to be promoted and it’s a great way to expose children to foods outside the home. I also think people can be creative for very little expense, when my oldest lad (who had enjoyed all foods) suddenly decided against herbs, we grew our own and he was so proud adding them to meals. I do agree that parents play a role, just sometimes think it’s easy to forget the influence of other factors !

The op describes the kids as ‘fussy’. No mention of any medical conditions listed.

Its her birthday. This is what she wants to do. It's the one day a year that she shouldn't have to compromise. They can suck it the fuck up for one day or just come for the bowling/cinema/whatever, then call it a day.

It's today isn't it OP?
Please come back when you have time and tell us what happened.
I hope the fishistas and birthday girl's well-wishers had a great meal 🐟🦐

If OP’s brother wants the entire family to continue bowing to the wishes of his fussy children to only go to three mediocre restaurants when they eat out together, he owes them a compelling reason why.

They don't eat pizza or sausages, so that wouldn't help.

I was teetering until you said every extended family meal has to be at one of the three restaurants your brother’s kids will eat at. So every family meal is based around accommodating their fussy eating. No wonder every one else is excited about this restaurant. No, your brother and his family can suck it up for once. Hope your daughter has a lovely birthday.

Tell her if she wants them present she’d need another place. Up to her really.
I am so bloody old I only recall never having a birthday party and not missing it either.

Just get an uber to spoons and have a laugh. It’s people that matter not how buttery the sauce your calamari was in ffs! 💕🥰☺️🤪

And the person who matters most is the birthday girl. And she's not chosen Spoons.

FFS. Why should the extended family always eat at one of the same three lowest common denominator restaurants this time? It's her birthday. The fussy eaters can either suck it up or decline.

I once had a team Christmas meal at a very ordinary pizza place in a shopping centre to accommodate the fussiest eater in the team.

Totally agree with this. She chooses an expensive restaurant that puts parents in an uncomfortable position, they may feel embarrassed to accept they wouldn’t spend that much in an outing, more so if their kids don’t enjoy that kind of food.

Your kid says she wants to spend time with her cousins but cannot show any consideration or flexibility. Probably more than allowing her to put everyone in an awkward position your child needs a parent to help her learn that the world is not all about herself, it is a birthday not her last meal before dying.

Choose a more reasonable restaurant that suits the needs and budget of everyone and take her to the expensive restaurant with just you and her dad.

The more you talk about your daughter the more like a spoiled little madam she looks. You are there saying you can’t afford to have two separate visits to a restaurant while you expect other parents to fork more money out than you do as they have more kids to pay for. Honestly… you both need to give your heads a wobble.

None of the adults invited have a problem with the restaurant. They're excited to go.

It's the cousins who are inflexible. They won't go anywhere other than their three preferred restaurants. Until now, every family member has had to accommodate them. Now it's their turn to accommodate someone else's choice.

Why can't your brother bring his kids for the morning and then they can go home dor their dinner? They are old enough to understand that since there isn't anything on the menu they will like they would be better off eating at home. Surely at 12 your dd understand that her uncle's children might not want to come to the meal as they eat such a limited list of foods?

Guests are important and I would always consider their needs when planning a party. For instance today I am making a fish starter for my son's birthday but I know at least 2 guests aren't keen on fish so I have 3 other alternative starters for them to eat. Your brother either compromises as there is at least chips on the menu or he doesn't but she deserves to go to the restaurants of her choice on her birthday.

Again, a generational issue, I have done all kinds of things I am not particularly keen on for people’s birthdays. I would never dream of making a big deal of it, I either go or politely decline. I can see why society is raising a herd of privileged and selfish individuals. This should not be a big deal, they have the right to decline but do not have the right to put pressure on to get her to change, especially in the light society often expecting girls to compromise for boys and men. Maybe your brother needs to work on supporting his kids to compromise/try new foods. And I say that as the mother of a SEND child with ASD.

She is still forcing her parents or other families to fork out for a restaurant that is expensive enough for her parents to offer to help other people pay, she also wants to go to the cinema with them on the same day and is having a birthday party soon. I don’t know how many cousins are in total but if the reluctant brother has 3 kids and a partner he may be expecting to fork nearly £200 in a day for this little entitled kid to have her cake and eat it.

If that isn’t a flipping bridezila in the making I really don’t know what that is.

So the Op says, but wonder how excited they are in private when the OP has thought that they may need a bit of help to afford this particular restaurant. In that position it is difficult to say no even if you really don’t like the idea, they might not want to
lose face…

Do you think it is possible the OP knows her family better than you?

She is still forcing her parents or other families to fork out for a restaurant that is expensive enough for her parents to offer to help other people pay

No-one is being forced to go. They can always decline.

I suspect that these family members are excited to go to a decent restaurant for a change instead of a downmarket place that provides mass produced beige food.