AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

Why doesn’t that compromise extend to the brother and cousins. Per OP they are always compromising for them, maybe for once these cousins need to compromise. You never know with a different they might find something they like, if never given the chance they’ll never find out

Id think it was pressure if it was a seafood restaurant as I can't eat seafood.

How - just how - have you missed the hundreds of posts, OP's included, pointing out that there is food other than seafood at this seafood restaurant ?

Because all of the other aunts, uncles and cousins wanted to go. Why stop them coming because of children who insist on only chicken nuggets or plain pasta? I'd find that really off.

Oh yes let's go to an expensive restaurant and eat chips.

How do you know what restaurant it is?

There are dishes other than chips or seafood.

I can't tell if you've genuinely not read it and are just posting based on what you've imagined, or are deliberately getting it wrong to just argue against people. Either way it's a weird way to contribute to a discussion.

Surely if you’re fussy that’s your choice? What are you eating at these cheap restaurant that is so palatable and acceptable? Fussy kids wanting to eat mechanically reconstituted nuggets I can understand, but adults? The amount of meals everyone else is choking down and wasting good money on to appease the nugget eaters in this country must be insane.

There are other items on the menu , plus no one is making you eat the seafood!!!

OP said "none of the children are diagnosed neurodivergent" but I wondered if that meant they aren't or they just haven't been diagnosed yet.

If they are autistic spectrum, I think that changes everything.

My family is full of people with food issues. We accepted that if we were going out for group meals, we had to take everyone's wishes/needs into account. This included ambience too - not too loud, not too cramped.

We tended to do lunch times because it would be quieter. We mainly went to Zizi, Bill's, TGIs or to a coupe of pubs we knew would work.

Imo the people matter more than the food.

And if OP's brother is dealing with asd boys, he might need a lot of support from his family, not having to tell his boys they won't get anything to eat or won't be able to go.

Or maybe they have been diagnosed but their parents haven't shared that information.

I'm not going to go to an expensive restaurant to eat a plate of chips while feeling sick because of the smell. If I was going out for a meal with a friend who is a vegetarian I wouldn't suggest a steak house for the same reason.

In the OP chips were the alternative. Later there were other things, I tend to ignore that sort of convenient change.

I have a fantastic life but I limit my expectations for events you can’t fully control … the only way through it is to COMPROMISE! But no I’m sitting in the sun with horses at peace and very happy! In a minute that could all change! Xx

I think your brother is being a bit OTT tbh

My daughter is coeliac and I would never dream of asking someone to change their plans for her. When we get an invite we look on website if obviously suitable. If unclear we call them and ask if they can make any food which is safe for her, if they can't we ask if it's OK to bring in food for her. And this is a medical need, not a preference.

I can't believe that on a whole menu (adult and child) there is nothing any of them can eat, unless there is a specific and complex need I have missed as haven't read the full thread?

The family ‘compromise’ every single frigging time they go out together. In other words, these three children insist on restricting to one of three restaurants with the ‘right’ chicken nuggets, and everyone else has been going along with it for some time.

Who needs to learn to compromise?

And how many times does this need to be said?

You and your DD sound ace.

OP drip fed about the long term fussiness of this one set of cousins, probably so as not to paint them in a bad light. I think if they were coeliac, ND or similar she would have said so.

surely they just go home before the meal? your daughter chose the food over the company as is her choice

You're wrong again.
The OP said that the "non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like."

This is a fascinating insight into how people just make up any old shit so that they can argue about it!

In this case it just means that the restaurant doesn’t offer the right kind of chicken nuggets or list a plain pasta. OP mentioned that the cousins are reluctant to choose plain pasta anyway, so it could be all about the wrong chicken nuggets, or none.

That isn’t very significant.

which doesn't mean much TBF.

I think you need to talk to DD and say these are the two options:
restaurant on birthday but cousins probably won't come so won't come home with us after.
something else and restaurant another day.

if you can justify £200 say for you meals and subbing family a collective £200 then you can justify a pub meal of £100 and a end of summer restaurant treat of £200.

she's entitled to choose, but you have more awareness of consequences than she does.

but you have a wider problem.

family meals are 3 pubs and your daughter doesn't enjoy them - you talk of her constantly compromising going there and actually having a meal she enjoys. Why are you taking the kids there if they dislike it so much? at least your brother is standing up for his kids. you need to find a different way to spend time together.

As an aside, I know people are rather sneery about the chicken nuggets thing, but not all chicken nuggets are the same! 😬

Let your daughter celebrate in the restauarant she wants. From what you said she has to compromise all the time in the beige food restaurants for family events. It may even encourage her cousins to diversify. People have indicated that its poor hostess form but its equally poor guest etiquette to insist on one of 3 restaurants. Love the fact that your daughter is a foodie, brothers options are 1) tell the children to stock up on popcorn at tge cinema and then chips and desert at the restauarant 2) leave aftrr cinema and dont come.

I appreciate that and I wish more restaurants just did a mini version of adult meals and of course some parents don’t make an effort - with food and lots of other areas of parenting! However, I think sometimes though it’s easy to forget privilege. I’m lucky my kids are neurotypical and not sensitive to smells/textures. I’m so fortunate that I can purchase items just to expose my kids to the food - it’s not a big deal to me if they don’t like it the first time it’s offered. My son recently said he would like to order a dish when out but wasn’t sure if he would like it or not - I imagine if finances were a concern, I would have asked him to choose something safe, rather than saying not to worry!

Are you reading the same thread as the rest of us?
Where did the three pubs creep in ?