AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

Its your daughters birthday, so she picks the restaurant. When its her cousin's birthday, they can pick the restaurant. I cant imagine dictating to someone on their bday which restaurant they should go to!! Next theyll be telling her she shouldn't go the cinema cos they'd rather go trampolining.

But hes not in the wrong to decline the invitation. That's fine.

It’s not showy to like fish

At what point do her 11, 9 and 6 year old cousins need to learn to compromise?

I agree. Compromise works two ways. It’s already been established the restaurant serves chips, which the kids will eat, so there is food there fur them.

Whether or not it’s fair is neither here nor there. It’s not a paid for meal by the sounds of it so if I was the other parent, I would not be paying expensive restaurant prices for a twelve year olds birthday knowing my own children would not like the menu.

If I had kids who behaved in this ridiculous way then I’d still quite happily pay expensive prices when I’m going to enjoy the meal, and my kids can have a portion of chips and a pudding (maybe two puddings to keep them quiet!) It’s a family celebration, absolutely worth the cost for a delicious meal for me, chips and pudding for the kids and seeing my niece get to enjoy what she chose, because it’s so important for girls to learn that young - sometimes you absolutely do compromise for family when it’s important, but a meal where there is something for everyone, just not perfect somethings, is not a moment you need to compromise.

Yeah but you don't pick a really expensive restaurant unless you're paying for it. Tacky.

So it’s showy to go to a more expensive restaurant…
Is it because she is 12yo?
Because it’s fish/seafood?

I didn’t realise that enjoying shrimps and fish was showy or that many people or children had issues with scampi……

OP has never said it is really expensive, only that it is a bit more fancy than where they normally go. Considering that appears to places with nuggets on the menu, everything is relative to a low starting bar.

Fish restaurants are not always expensive (see photo). Except it won't be Rick Stein, as he has breaded chicken on the kids menu.

That's changed my mind a bit. If their needs are prioritised every other time, and there are literally only three places acceptable to them, that's pretty ridiculous. If it was only the seafood restaurant that didn't suit, it would be different. But it seems like no restaurant would do for them other than those three.
And I'm going to hazard a guess that they're not celebration places, but places like Nandos (which I have nothing against, but it's not special).

I agree with this.

What teach the girl she should put other people before her, even on her birthday.

She has put up with compromise restaurants all the time with the cousins. Their dad doesn’t think of the rest of the extended family when choosing restaurants

There are non fish things on the menu. Everyone else including other cousins want to go. It’s not like the DD has chosen an outlandish niche restaurant. I am sure the place can make some plain pasta.

Good for you. I have kids who I can bring to any restaurant and one who will eat anything, other child far more restricted due to allergies. However, we now know that a lot of picky eating is related to genetics, potentially neurodivergence, which means that parents need not congratulate nor berate themselves as much as you obviously do. Last party I had, I catered to allergies, medical issues and suspected neurodivergence and kids had a lovely day- I was busy hosting and forget to walk around with a superior air that my kids chomped down the cucumber and carrots sticks though.

So go to this restaurant just as your family on another day ( she gets an extended birthday so what's not to like) and choose somewhere more suitable for everyone for the wider family day. You need to help your daughter to understand that everyone sharing pizzas together after the cinema and playing in the garden is 1000x more fun that her pulling the heads off a plate of king prawns whilst half the group wish they weren't there. Not fair to the restuarant either if you have a big table and many of the group aren't eating.

@Notrainingbutpouring I get your points about allergies (had DC with food allergy when a baby) and ND, but many parents feed their DC a limited menu, hence the bland kids menu in many places. Whenever, new meals were introduced at school when DC were at Primary many parents would automatically say their DC won’t eat that. Many children sticking to jacket potato and beans, and complete horror and revulsion if tuna was the only topping on offer. School would have meal tasting sessions for the parents to try and encourage more adventurous eating habits (and it wasn’t too adventurous) One parent friend said to me when their child was about 6, they’ll never eat this option on the menu as we haven’t even tried spag bol with them yet

Many countries don’t offer as many choices for school dinners, allowing for dietary requirements. Or go for for flavours not beige

I am sure many people don’t eat fish as wasn’t eaten regularly at home so the ‘ugh fish’ continues into the next generation

Most of the people going there are happy to be there, including other cousins. Who will have all compromised for the picky eaters in the past. Will they always be condemned to eat in McDonalds or similar when eating out as extended family

just go to the bloody restaurant. if the other cousins don't go, so what.

Is it showy to like fish? Or showy to be willing to help out with costs? Personally I’d call that generous.

I think so, yes. The DD will have spent most of the day with these cousins, so it’s not a huge deal.
Although I think what should happen is that they cousins and brother should go, and his kids can eat chips and a pudding, with good grace, so she can have a nice time with her whole extended family.

This sounds like a shit parenting problem by your brother that’s coming back to bite him.
genuine fussy eater / medical issues would be different … but THREE kids who can’t find a single thing to eat on a kids menu, definitely a “them” problem

I been in this situation except with a fussy ex FIL! Have a word with the restaurant; rhey might be able to adapt a menu item if your niece/nephew can make a suggestion.

My DD is a very fussy eater but that is our problem. If we get invited somewhere with food she doesn’t like we go anyway and she will either just eat a bowl of chips, bread or maybe nothing ( and we get her something either before or after). We do not think it is fair to push her very limited food choices onto others.

You and other PP have agreed that OP’s DD needs to consider others. In this case that means prioritising the wishes of three cousins, even though it has been revealed that (a) the rest of the extended family likes the idea of this restaurant; (b) these cousins will only eat ‘the right’ chicken nuggets, chips, or if necessary plain pasta at restaurants; and therefore (c) at their insistence all meals out have been limited to a choice of three restaurants for some time.

Someone needs to learn about sharing, taking turns and consideration for others, but it isn’t OP’s DD.

For DD beans would cause as much revulsion as the tuna. So jacket potato with cheese it was, until they changed providers(and the cheese) and that wasn’t acceptable anymore either. Fun times. 😬

However , she does eat fish and I don’t, so I guess you win some, you lose some?