AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

It's her birthday. Why on earth should it be all about planning an enjoyable day for others if she might not enjoy it as much as she'd enjoy the seafood place?
Interacting socially is not all about being some kind of event planner. The brother could do with a lesson in parenting his kids. They need to learn that sometimes you do things you'd not do as a first choice, if they mean a lot to someone you love. And that something like eating first, then having a side or a pudding at the restaurant the other person has chosen, is a good workaround.

Because maybe for once DD would like to go to a restaurant of her choice on her birthday and share it with extended family, the majority of which also want to eat at the restaurant. There are 3 picky eaters who could eat chips at the very least and am sure will have a sweet tooth. The restaurant could also I am sure provide something plain for them

The family usually have to compromise for brother’s family. For once maybe brother’s family have to compromise

Is this normal behaviour? Do people honestly ring up a nice fish restaurant and ask if they can make pizza instead, and they say yes of course we can? I have never come across this kind of thing.

As she is turning 12 I am guessing your Dd wants to feel she is having a ‘grown up’ dinner, not Frankie and Benny’s.

If you are a large group booking you might as they may be more willing to cook something different. Sometimes for particularly fancy restaurants they will stipulate they can’t offer anything different off the menu

It would not cross my mind to ask for something so completely different that’s not on the menu. I might ask for say no sauce on the chicken dish if possible, but to ask for a dish that’s not on the menu, like pizza instead of fish, is a new one for me.

This 100%

These kids eat plain pasta, or chicken nuggets that look a specific way/from a specific place.
That's a bit more than just 'perceiving the foods you like in a different way'.

I dont know theres something sad about a 12 year old being so hung up on a specific posh restaurant that shes happy to not have her cousins attend.

Why cant you just have the whole cousins day and then go to the fish restaurant without the extended family?

I think it would be more along the lines can we have plain pasta dish rather than pasta and fish sauce, rather than something that doesn’t resemble anything on the menu. Or if the kids had diagnosed food issues then request permission to bring some of your own food

I don’t know why your daughter always has to be the one who compromises. It’s HER birthday. If the BIL and his family always insist on the same three restaurants they should just be gracious and duck out of the meal this time and just go to the cinema or ring the restaurant and see if they could provide plain pasta for his kids.

If it was my kids and they always got their own way I would be the one to try and find the solution or not come just this once. I wouldn’t make HIS problem your problem. What will those kids be like when they’re older. I think I know how people become CFs.

Because many of the extended family including other cousins want to go.

Most restaurants can accommodate various dietary requirements so your brother can surely call them before finalising his decision. Do you think maybe it’s also about the cost and his pride? Whatever the reason I think it’s fine for your daughter to choose the restaurant but to also be aware it may mean some cousins don’t attend as they don’t eat seafood, she may change her mind. I think at 12 it’s a great time to let her make some of these decisions. FFS if you get invited to an adult”s birthday group meal and don’t like the menu you don’t tell the birthday girl to change it completely for you. You find a way to make it work or make an excuse, Mind you my family would always choose a restaurant with lots of options.

Yes that’s possible. Somebody suggested the fish restaurant makes a pizza though!

It’s not sad for a girl to learn that it’s ok to gave what she wants for once rather than pandering to everyone else. The cousins get pandered for every single big meal by always going to the same three restaurants . She can have ONE!! For her birthday!

As a general rule, if you're paying, you get to choose the restaurant. If you're expecting others to pay to attend your daughter's birthday party, then they should have an equal say in the venue chosen, for reasons of budget as well as taste.
It doesn't sound like this restaurant is suitable for your DB's family, so he is reasonable to not come along.

Are some people effectively suggesting that all extended family meals out, are at one of the three beige restaurants for the foreseeable future, unless the kids get less fussy?!

Because women need to learn as early as possible to be kind, to be nice, to pander to everyone else and put themselves last. Otherwise they might get “notions”.

As the OP isn't paying, it's not really an invitation, is it?

Because they don’t want to.

I’d say there’s something sad about thinking that a 12 year old having a preference for a restaurant on her birthday is in any way a problem.

The cousins get catered to the vast majority of times when the extended family dine together at restaurants. If anything it’s well beyond time they learned that they aren’t always going to be the priority.

As an aside, either offer to pay for the meal or don’t. Offering to help out if others are struggling with it is a bit of a pointless and insulting gesture.

The restaurant has non-seafood options according to OP, as most British seafood restaurants do. What it doesn’t seem to offer is chicken nuggets, or at least not ‘the right kind’.

Well , it depends whether the brother pays when he invites them to the 3 acceptable restaurants. If he doesn’t, what’s good for the goose…

If his kids don’t like the food options, they don’t have to eat there. It’s an invitation, not a summons.

A number of the extended family are enthusiastic about the restaurant. Perhaps they are also tired of going to the same three restaurants insisted upon by DB’s fussy children.