AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

I think both you and your daughter are being perfectly reasonable. I hope your daughter has a wonderful birthday and enjoys her special meal out.

Cinema, playing in the garden and food everyone likes at home for lunch. Then just the nuclear family for dinner.

The kids can eat three things.
One of those three things is available. They have now said they don't want that.

Are you saying they need to go to somewhere that serves chips AND nuggets or chips AND plain pasta? Why? That would limit where they can go.

It sounds like all the other uncles/aunts/cousins want to go too. So why exclude them because the kids won't eat chips?

I voted YABU, but only because your entitled to chose whatever restaurant you want to, but you then cant be cross or disappointed if they choose not to come.

The not paying for the guests’ meals was the part of the original post that I actually struggled with the most. Who invites people out and says pay for yourself but if you can’t afford to let us know and we’ll give you a dig out? Eh, nobody I know.

I wish your DD a Very Happy Birthday and enjoys the lovely fish she will be eating with relatives that appreciate the food on offer and her company.

How come OP's DD, the birthday girl, is a 'Princess' who is making everybody miserable because she wants to eat at her favourite restaurant but her cousins aren't 'Little Lord Fauntleroys' for being so fussy and spoilt that they can't can't find a single thing on the menu that they will eat?

For sure this!
Also you should have just offered to pay for the restaurant for the guests. Saying that you’ll help pay if people need you to is not a nice way of doing things.

Your Daughter gets to choose where she goes for her birthday @randomcar1990
I see you compromise every other time you go out to eat as a family. Does your DB normally make everything about him and his children?
You would think, as an adult, he would tell his kids to suck it up for once wouldn't you? For the sake of his Neices birthday?
I think a point needs to be made here that not every occasion revolves around them.

Keep the reservation at the Fish restaurant OP. I hope you all have a lovely time.

Why do all the other extended family members who want to go have to miss out ?

I bet the brother doesn’t pay for everyone when they all compromise and go to the exact 3 same restaurants every time .

Your preference teaches yet another young woman she can't have what she lkes if some men/boys don't like it

Its her birthday. The one day in the years when all the choices should be hers, not a compromise that suits others, others who get to choose what they want on their birthdays

I don't see telling your parents when asked what you would like to do on your birthday is being a princess. We don't even know if she knows her cousins limited eating habits.
Who is being made miserable. I think her uncle is in danger of making her miserable if he can't manage his children's aberrations.

There have been two threads alone today on here that have shown how willing people are to take from their own children to keep other children/adults happy.
I just cannot relate to that.

Some of the replies on here are batshit. Id say teaching a child that actually, it is perfectly reasonable at times to prioritize themselves, is extremely valuable, lest you want to train a doormat.

The cousins cannot always expect to be catered to. If the dinner doesn’t suit, they don’t have to attend.

They are family

Its a perfectly normal way to say it

We've been the couple being subsidised at meals we couldn't afford to pay for and later in life we've been the couple that made the same offer to family members who we wanted to come to a meal they couldn't afford to pay

We offer to pay because they would turn down the invitation otherwise. We simply say we know its expensive and we really want you there so we will pay your tab, enjoy!

So why did you invite them then?

Could you check with the restaurant if they could do a set menu for the fussy kids, could like do chicken nuggets or pizza or something equally benign?
I agree it is her choice and that is where she wants to go.

Im in the minority. Her birthday her choice, there is NOTHING they will eat?. I dont believe that , even the best fish resturants serve alternatives, why should she back down. When will lines be drawn before people she has to back down to everyone . Party for friends , meal with family and people on here suggesting the O.P.does ANOTHER meal . Shes 12 , not 21
This is why I.dont do family stuff , there is always one that will moan.
How does his kids feel about missing out or has your brother decided to be family spokesman?

Sorry but being veggie is quite different to seafood when quite a lot of people don’t like seafood. Also this is children. Bit different if it were adults.
But the fish dishes aren't all lobster tartare or sashimi. There's fish and chips on the menu.
Not to mention non-fish dishes.
These kids are exceptionally fussy.

For the millionth time, there isn't only fish available.

She needs to decide what she wants from the meal. If it is to enjoy the food stick with the restaurant, if it is to enjoy a meal with her cousins change the restaurant. It's ok to say this time the food wins and it's up to your brother to decide whether spending the time with their cousin and having less than ideal food is better than not going at all.

My daughter has many allergies, is borderline ARFID and has feeding issues related to severe reflux. It is a pain eating out with her. There are times when we eat our with family and we pick places where we know they are good at accommodating her dietary requirements and cooking her something related to the food on the menu but there are also times when we want to go out and enjoy some good food. We do this when she's not around or we do a early afternoon meal when she can a small not quite a meal of foods that she can eat but then has a dinner when she is at home later on. We have arranged her birthday party this year to be 1-3 to avoid a meal time, we will provide plenty of snacks and food for the rest of the children but it means we don't have to have a battle with the about food on her birthday in front of her friends.

For a bit of variety though for a child with a very restricted diet she has a broad palate and struggles most with "beige" foods. Pasta is the only beige food she will eat but her favourite foods are sauerkraut and capers that said there is only 1 variety of oat milk she will drink, she loves fruit and veg but struggles with textures and strength of flavours. Carrots can't be raw but they can't be over cooked. There is a fine window when bananas are ok not so green that they can't be opened but not too yellow, regular broccoli is too mushy when cooked but tender stem is ok.

There is definitely a genetic component too, her and her grandmother hate avocado, my mother-in-law says it tastes like soap and the face she pulled at a toddler would suggest she tastes the same.

To answer the question someone asked about fussy eaters.

1. She is supplemented, she has a multivitamin, omega 3,6,9 (fish allergy), a target per day of oat milk (dairy allergy) to ensure she is getting enough calcium and iodine and as she's barely gained any weight in the last 2 years also has fortified drinks on prescription.
2. She has school dinners, the council provide her with a complete menu that meets her nutritional needs and the chef in the school does some minor tweaks to ensure she enough food to eat. She has a staff member on her table to encourage her to eat as she has very low appetite and eating is an inconvenience for her.
3. We are in the scouts and whilst we have only done day trips so far we discuss food with whoever is handling the meals and trying to get something she can and will eat. We also bring along matching food to avoid being caught out. I also joined as a leader so that I have oversight and can support her and other children that have dietary needs.

This in spades . Exactly what I was trying to articulate yet you've done it better

Good God.
The DD wants to go to a particular restaurant, and would love her wider family to be there.