AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

It’s like throwing a birthday party and only having fish available……..

Why? Quite a lot of kids, especially fussy ones would be more than happy with chips and pudding.

The OP has said they always have to compromise if eating as extended family. The DD is nearly the same age as OP’s brother’s eldest.

I’ve been to parties where none of the food available was suitable for DD, because annoyingly she doesn’t like healthy food OR convenience food. So a bag of crisps(plain, salted) , some sweets and cake was it. She didn’t spontaneously combust , she didn’t starve to death , she didn’t miss out and was perfectly happy enjoying the company of her friends.

But there are non-fish options

She can't have it both ways. She can't insist they come to a restaurantwhere there's not much they can / will eat. I would struggle at a seafood restaurant
She can invite them but she has to understand if they decline

To use a mn cliche, it’s an invite not a summons. They’ve been invited to a restaurant. If they feel they’re unable to go to the restaurant, they can decline the invite.

I would be saying the same if the brother's eldest wanted a restaurant which only served nuggets and the OP’s daughter didn’t like nuggets.

Its basic hosting to consider your guests’ needs. If you don’t want to consider them then don’t invite the people with diets which don’t conform to your own preferences.

You can argue that being veggie is more reasonable in terms of pickiness than not liking fish. If you go down the moral reasons for being veggie route. Although of course it excludes more foods, so is technically pickier. I think veggie poster is being entirely sensible; we all go to places as a group, on occasion, that wouldn't be our first choice. I'd only start protesting if it was constant steak houses and fish restaurants and I were veggie.

Perfectly acceptable it’s an invite. There are things other than fish they have just been allowed to be too fussy. They should the birthday person have to give up their restaurant every single birthday.

It won’t hurt them to not be put first on restaurant preferences for once and after all they serve chips and dessert. Maybe a non nugget offering once in a white might open up their views on food.

But the restaurant doesn’t just serve fish. And fish comes in many varieties and cooked in many ways. And maybe DD doesn’t like the beige food served at the restaurants they usually have to go to for the cousins

You can only 'invite' if you are paying for everyone. Otherwise it is not an 'invite'. And yes, if you are paying for everyone you invited, tough on those who don't like what is offered.

Being fussy is not the issue. Making a fuss about them being fussy is.

My DS is quite fussy, and his favourite food is a jalfrezi or tikka masala. If he doesn’t want whatever food is available he eats before and he just has a pudding.

I bet the brother never considers the needs of anyone but his picky offspring if he dictates there are only 3 restaurants they can go to when eating as extended family

We always make sure we go to places where everyone will be able to eat. My parents didn't like curry for example socwe wouldn't go to an Indian. My sister in law only eats chicken (seriously). Imo it makes most sense to choose somewhere for everyone - especially if everyone is self funding.

You genuinely are prepared to cause a family rift over this?

Good gawd. If it's a family outing you say "let's meet, how about suchandsuch restaurant - would that be ok with your kids, brother with the fussy kids?" If it's a birthday you say "we're going to do these things and would love you to join us for all or part of it".

Brilliant! Is that a new take on Chekov???

Maybe, but who invites a bunch of people for dinner to celebrate their birthday and doesn't automatically pay for it? Not "if you can't afford it I'll pay". If you can't afford to treat for the thing you've arranged, arrange something cheaper. Does she expect her kids friends to pay their own soft play entry too?

If she eats chicken in any form that still leaves numerous options. No Indian, the same. Even when you put them together . OP’s family however have been limited to the same 3 restaurants for years because of her brother’s children. Her daughter can have ONE birthday meal at a place she chose. It won’t kill them!

I think if you go for a large family group including different family units to a restaurant I wouldn’t expect one family to pay for the whole meal.

So many nasty pp saying a child should think of others before herself. Just no. I thought we were trying to teach girls that they don't have to put everybody before themselves. It's her birthday and this is what she wants to do if brother doesn't like it he'll have to stay away.
I wouldn't have a picnic in the garden either because of picky eaters if a nice restaurant had been offered.
Hope she has a lovely birthday op.

Exactly! Some people seem to want all the authority of being the host without the bill.

The replies... Go where your daughter wants to eat..it's her birthday. DB needs to learn and teach his kids to be adaptable..sometimes they don't get what they want but who knows they might enjoy it. Don't changes DDS plans and don't listen to some the shit being spouted here.

@randomcar1990 does your brother pay when you go to compromise restaurant