AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

So, you’d prefer to see your dcs excluded completely from the meal whilst all the other family members are there. Did I get that right?

All that because she is old enough to understand that if she wants tge seafood restaurant then she shouldn’t invite them.

Or do you mean she should invite NO ONE and loose out rather than giving her cousins a choice - eat chips at that restaurant but spend that time with her or say No.

Funny how suddenly ‘an invitation isn’t a summon’ doesn’t apply anymore.

If I was the parent, I wouldn’t be happy to pay for meals for them to only eat the chips.

Most restaurants offer chips as a side dish. You don't have to order and pay for a meal.

Your brother either needs to decline the restaurant part of the birthday celebrations once the cinema trip is over or just order some chips and puddings for his kids if he’s desperate to come.
My 13 is a foodie for the last couple of birthdays he’s picked a couple of different restaurants, this year was a fish and sushi one because that’s what he loves at the moment, last year it was a steakhouse. He invites whichever relatives he wants to and then those who want to come, do.
This year there was only his siblings, myself, DH, Grandma and Auntie, because his Grandad, other Auntie and Uncle hate fish, they didn’t moan, just attended some other part of the day and then we met the others there. There really is no need for the drama your brother is making, your daughter should be able to pick what she wants to eat for her celebration.

Yes, including my kids - one of who is a total foody and the other is fast approaching an ARFID diagnosis. Not all neuro divergence, including in the same family, is the same.

Its an early lesson for your DD. You either choose something with yourself in mind and have fewer guests, or you choose something everyone will like and have everyone you want there. There isn't a right or wrong answer, you just have to choose. And once you have, stick to it, which means you don't need to be persuaded to change, and you don't get to moan about people who don't want to come or persuade them.
Perhaps her cousins can do the cinema part.

And the three picky eaters make people miserable more often as they are limited in where they can eat.
The other members of the family are happy with the seafood restaurant.

I think for me it's the fact you usually always go with something that suits them that sways it more in your favour.

I think your brother should be telling them they're going and it's a lesson in 1. politeness and 2. The reality of real life. Surely it's a safer space to be doing that with family than when it comes up for them as teenagers with their mates, or on their first dates!

I think there is something about whether they're entitled to feel a bit miffed regarding the double whammy of going somewhere they're not keen on PLUS having to pay a lot more than normal for the privilege. But I can't imagine the cost difference of a plate of chips is all that much. And if chips is one of the only things they eat anyway then surely any restaurant that serves chips is OK.

It's the brother who is actually causing problems. Why can't you see that?

Literally no where else in the world other than mumsnet would someone say this. This forum is batshit insane.

A 12 year old has picked her favourite restaurant for her birthday. That’s it. That’s literally all that has happened. There are 3 kids who only eat pasta, chicken nuggets and chips and demand that the whole family can only ever go to 3 restaurants for gatherings. On this one occasion, they have been told no and they can eat chips in this restaurant this one time. What is the big deal?

Thise kids are only going to eat chips wherever they go. So they can eat chips at this place, and a 12 year old can choose her favourite restaurant for her birthday… oh, and the rest of the extended family can also
enjoy a gathering in a nicer restaurant than the three they are usually restricted to.

This place is insane for comments like yours.

Princess? Why? Just because it’s an expensive restaurant? Seafood?Would you say the same if it was the local chippie? Or pizza express? Where incidentally all DD would eat would be the chips.

I wouldn’t want to take my kids to somewhere I know they’ll struggle to find something they’d like to eat.

I can’t stand seafood/fish either so if I was your brother, I’d politely decline the invitation.

She’s 12 not 21 so either find a compromise that suits everyone (like you would when going out with friends) or accept it’s just your immediate family attending.

I'm happy to answer 1 and 2 for how my daughter manages.

1. Not great, she's underweight and relies on supplements for some vitamins. I'm extremely grateful that she'll eat tomatoes, cucumber and a fair amount of vitamin rich fruit. We do have difficulties with protein - she's small for her age, and we are a tall family.
2. Not well. We generally avoid packed lunches where possible and when she absolutely has to have them it's cold homemade pizza (which may or may not get eaten), salt and vinegar crisps and fruit. There's a brand of cereal bars she'll eat as well. She'll also eat peanut butter, so if it's a family trip out, I'll take a jar of peanut butter and she'll eat a spoonful or 2.

As for question 3, I pray she eventually outgrows it as her life will be very limited otherwise.

And yes, we make her come to restaurants. Even if she just sits with a drink and has a scoop of ice cream at the end (chocolate only, no wafer or sauce).

Yes agree. You can’t expect them to cone if they won’t eat anything. But fine to not change the restaurant as long as you’re willing to accept not everyone will cone

You are not being unreasonable. It's find for your daughter to choose where she wants to eat. And it's fine for your brother to decide he and his children cannot attend.

Yep you can do that. But that’s quite mean and defeats the object of “spending time with the cousins”.

if it wasn’t about the cousins then I’d say stick to you guns but she specifically wanted to spend time with them.

there’s plenty of people who don’t like fish and seafood. I don’t think it’s that unusual.

I think you're being unreasonable for saying "if you're struggling to afford it, we can pay". That's really rude. If you invite everyone to an expensive restaurant for your daughter's birthday, you pay. Without making a big deal of it.

You're asking your brother to either fork out a load of money for something his kids will hate or exclude them from a family gathering. It's thoughtless. You could have easily taken immediate family to the restaurant and done something cheap with extended family. If it absolutely has to be extended family AND this restaurant, then of course you foot the bill, without question or offer. I can't believe this needs explaining.

Anyway, you need to explain to your daughter that if you go to that restaurant her cousins can't come.

This.

It’s only this bit of the extended family that are moaning. Appears the others including some cousins are all looking forward to it, maybe they are looking forward to having more than just beige food to choose from. And the chances are this restaurant can provide a plate of plain food whereas a beige food restaurant can’t provide a more tasty meal

My dd doesn’t like fish either but my DS, DH and I love it, we don’t often go to fish restaurants but when we do she has to suck it up, she always finds something to eat. It’s not often and she gets to have lots of choice every other time.

Its your DDs birthday, her choice, if they don’t want to go, then so be it.

Is there anything on the menu that might be adapted fairly easily? The restaurant might be helpful if you contact them in advance, especially if all three will eat the same thing. For instance if there's a pasta dish that is seafood but a sauce they'd like, they might be able to replace the seafood element fairly easily, or even just leave it out. Consider the adult dishes as well as the kids menu for this; they might be happy to do child portions at a sensible price - especially if you're taking out the most expensive ingredient!

"You're asking your brother to either fork out a load of money for something his kids will hate or exclude them from a family gathering."

Surely he only needs to fork out for chips and pudding and a couple of drinks - for the kids, at least. Them being picky is saving him money.

Life lesson for your kiddo then isn't it.

Does she want to spend time with specific people.

Or does she want to go to a specific restaurant.

She can't have both, and some people might not come for the daytime activities if they don't want to attend the restaurant afterwards.

It is pretty crappy that your brother won't tell his kids to suck it up, eat something first, have chips and dessert at the restaurant - but thats his parenting to do, not yours.

I wonder if we are one of the only nations surrounded by water who seem to have a high proportion of people who don’t eat fish.

And different fish taste different, shellfish too can be very different. Is it just because people aren’t brought up eating it unless it is a fish finger.

Third choice would be to pay for all of it like most people hosting a party would do.

YANBU.
I can't bear fussiness.
OK, they don't like fish (although I think it's odd that they don't even like it in the context of fish and chips, but whatever), but there ARE non-fish dishes on the menu, they just don't like any of those either?
They sound like a right royal pain.

If someone invited me to a restaurant I knew they specifically wanted to go to for a special occasion and there wasn't much I wanted to eat, I'd still go and I'd eat whatever I could find (chips, sides, dessert and a coffee), because I'd want to spend the time with them at the place they wanted to go to.