AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

Whine off yourself, praising parents whose kids eat...food. One of mine likes seafood, another doesn't. Should I only get half a medal?

Ah, the race to the bottom eh ?

What about all the times they have had to compromise for the picky eaters. Time for DD (on her birthday) and her other cousins to have a meal at a restaurant they want to eat at

I have similar in my family, so we tend to call restaurants and check if they’ll do a very plain pasta dish, most times they do. It means we’re all happy. TBH none of our kids have eaten ‘children’s food’, I guess we’ve been lucky.

I would have thought this could have been a great opportunity to teach your dd about compromise.

How about teaching the cousins about compromise? It seems they get their choice of restaurant every other time, now you think dd should 'compromise' by letting them have their way again.

OP - I would just reply to your DBro:

'OK, understood, no problem. Everyone welcome at ours for a quick birthday lunch (pizza slices / nuggets / fish fingers OK?) and cake, off to the cinema, we'll take everyone for a drink if time and then anyone who fancies it can join us at Fishy McFish Place. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow'

You’re not being unreasonable for wanting to take your daughter somewhere she likes for her birthday.

But you are both unreasonable for assuming everyone would be happy to eat there.

When eating in a group there has to be some compromise or some people just won’t want to come. If my kids wouldn’t like the menu I’d leave them at home. Then again… doesn’t your daughter want her cousins there? Maybe this trip isn’t the one where she goes to a flashy sea food restaurant. It’s not to everyone’s cup of tea.

She shouldn’t. DD is fussy as fuck. She’s also been aware from a very young age that that is HER issue. Which means in a situation like this she’d stuff up on popcorn at the cinema anyway and then happily just have chips at the restaurant as long as no one made a fuss over it.In fact she’s been to a few parties where all she ate was chips because it was about the party/birthday child/spending time with her friends, not about the food.She’d also happily skip the meal and we could go someplace else, which I have done when I wasn’t particularly fussed at the place either.

Your brother has options. They come and pick bits his kids will eat even if it’s not a “proper” meal. They come, but his kids eat beforehand and just have desert or again bits/chips. They skip the meal altogether.

She has cousins who want to be there. If you have 3 picky eaters is it really fair to always have to compromise for them

Fussy eaters don’t get to dictate restaurant choice.

I lived through rationing in a communist country, I was still fussy as fuck .

This is where you should have compromised when deciding on DD birthday.

Activities with cousins and food to suit everyone
Restaurant of choice without everyone

Then decide what day is best for which activity.

You are trying to do everything which isn't working.

@randomcar1990 YANBU. Have a lovely time.

As all three kids are fussy it suggests your brother hasn't done a good job of introducing different foods.

A good restaurant will be able to make them plain pasta.

Well then they’ll just have to enjoy the rest of the day together and skip the restaurant. He has the choice to come or not, Yanbu - he is.

I'm absolutely amazed that people are expecting OP's DD to change her plans to accommodate fussy eaters. Why is all the compromise expected to come from the DD? Shouldn't the brother be teaching his children to compromise or else they miss out?

My DD was a nightmare eater, so picky and fussy. No way would I decline an invitation or request it to be changed on her behalf. She ate a bowl of chips and garlic bread plenty of times when eating out.

His fussy-eater children will need to learn that this will occur in every restaurant for their entire lives. It’s not their birthday so they don’t get to pick a restaurant of their choosing. I don’t eat meat - I go wherever I’m invited and eat what I can.

My Danish niece and nephew are far pickier than my British nieces and nephews. Fussy kids are most definitely not just a British thing.

Surely your daughter has to choose what she wants. She’s old enough to understand that. She wants to spend the day with their cousins? Choose somewhere they’d want to go. She wants to eat seafood? Go without the cousins. There’s lots of things my children would like to do for their birthdays, but if they want particular friends to come, they will choose activities their friends would like!

If I was the parent, I wouldn’t be happy to pay for meals for them to only eat the chips.

As others have said - when planning a meal with other guests you’d generally choose a venue or menu that is fairly safe for everyone.

I agree. Why should it always have to be her? And it's even being demanded of her on her birthday.

No

Your brother can decline if he doesn't want to come.

Sometimes that’s what you have to do when you have fussy kids. It is what it is.

Or just decide to not give the opportunity fur those who are picky to chose (eg to come and only have chips but get to enjoy being together with family) and not invite them in the first place.

Easier.
And you get to enjoy the restaurant you enjoy with the peoole you enjoy

It sounds like there's been a fair bit of compromise done and it's your daughter's turn to have what she wants. I'd be annoyed to have to stick to the same three restaurants. It sounds like the kids like chips and it won't kill them to have that and a pudding. It'll also save anyone paying for an expensive meal they won't eat. And I say this as a moderately picky kid who had to scrape of sauces I'd love now. Who also ate the odd thing she didn't like out of politeness.

But if I were your brother I'd be having a talk about how being very picky causes problems and it's something they will need to work on. Not in a you are being naughty way, but in a I'll help you as your dad, we'll try small amounts of new foods etc. They don't want to be 20 and restricted to KFC etc.

No. Just realism. This princess’s birthday is already making people miserable and it hasn’t happened yet. It’s people that matter not swanky restaurants and big gestures.

Oh and in this case definitely don't split the bill equally. That would be unfair!