AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

Tell the restaurant in advance and I’m sure the chef will accommodate them.

Do you know what? It’s not a bad lesson for a girl to learn that she doesn’t have to be kind all the time.

It’s a good lesson for a girl to learn that, just once in a while, she can put herself first for no other reason than she want to.

It’s also a good lesson for her to say in the face of opposition “this is what I am going to do”. It’s just a shame the discussion is over her birthday plans.

Happy birthday @randomcar1990‘s daughter.

I said that several pages ago as a seafood restaurant will be able to make plain pasta but the OP is only replying to people who disagree with her and isn’t engaging with anyone on her side.

What’s the restaurant called if you don’t mind. I love seafood and have never managed to find one that is pretty special. I’d love to see the menu x

Why doesn't you DBro just take his kids home after the cinema and playing at yours? Is a whole family dinner worth the misery of having kids there who won't eat (and will probably be a pain?)

if your daughter’s top priority on her birthday, is spending time with her cousins, then I wouldn’t suggest a seafood restaurant when you know they don’t like fish!

I would invite the cousins round to you for lunch and birthday cake during the day and then take your daughter and just your household to the seafood restaurant in the evening.

Oh whine off. There's always an exception but it's brilliant to hear about a kid with a decent range of food and good taste !

Surely you’d just do McDonald’s or something with the cousins and then the restaurant the day before/after?

Can’t you all go out for the day as planned then your brother take his three home before the meal?

If they don’t want to do that then the kids try some different food or have chips.

God I'm with you on this. Because some of DH's family are really rather picky it makes it difficult to eat out. These are grown ups who won't eat fish, anything a bit 'weird' - like pomegranate seeds, salad other that leaves, cheese, anything on their burger (at all) other than the burger.

So birthday person getting to choose actually means birthday person chooses steak or pizza....

Why? Appears they always have to do McDonalds to appease brother and his kids. For once DD and the other cousins get a treat

Firstly, why the aggression? I’d love to know what it is about my post that has made you reply so aggressively.

Also, why should I be embarrassed? Some kids eat a wide range of food and some don’t. Just as an adult, there is food I like and food I don’t like, same as every other person in my family and amongst my friends. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

I think you misunderstand what I said. She seems boastful because she mentions her daughter wanting the expensive seafood restaurant, causes potential embarrassment to the others by offering to pay because she says they can’t afford it and then, many times, speaks about her brothers kids in a scathing manner.

Sounds like boasting to me.

I’m happy to report that when my child was young, a wide range of food was offered and some was eaten, some wasn’t because, believe it or not, we all have different tastes. So judge me all you like but you’re missing the mark, and the point, by a country mile.

I’m also not of the school that forces kids to eat food they don’t like. It damages their relationship with food.

My nephews are like this - fussy to the extent that going out for a meal with them is essentially pointless as even slightly different sausages to their norm won’t get eaten. I call ahead to check re plain pasta with grated cheese and I’ve never been declined yet. It might be worth your brotherworking on getting them less fussy, as they’ll find it increasingly socially isolating as they get older. I know some kids really struggle (ARFID for example) but some are just super fussy and not all events have to revolve around them.

Well each to their own but really… is she veruca salt or something? And 12! Take them all to maccy d’s and save your pennies!

I agree with the PP you've quoted. I am vegan and have been to steak houses and had a bowl of chips before now!

Her birthday, her choice. If I were your brother I'd take the kids along, encourage them to try perhaps a cheaper or side dish but if not they eat beforehand (or have a late lunch so they're not starving and then eat later) and get some chips. It's one meal surely they can compromise for your DD's birthday.

I completely understand you wanting to give your daughter the day she wants, as it is her birthday and there are so few occasions we get to be indulged in this way.
However, I'm just wondering if you could offer something different in the way of home entertaining on the day, and do the family meal with those who want to attend the evening before her birthday? Some nebulous 'we'll do it some other time' won't fly, bit a pre-birthday celebration might?
What are you all going to the cinema to see? Could you do a 'themed' evening on her actual birthday based around the film?
Just thinking there may a compromise that suits everyone, including your daughter, if she would be on board with something like that?

Absolutely fancy restaurant, can’t be doing with picky eaters for meals out, it’s exhausting. It’s better if they graciously decline than everyone else runs around trying to accommodate the right chicken nuggets or whatever.

It’s her birthday and she was given a choice of what restaurant!

To be honest it sounds like everyone makes allowances for the brother’s fussy eaters, and given the choice, why would she want to go to one of the only 3 restaurants they eat from?

It’s fine inviting all the family over if your daughter wants to spend time with her cousins but why would you then all traipse off to the cinema? And then to a fancy restaurant.
You've allowed your 12 year old to plan the whole day but it doesn’t really work for everyone.
Family over for a BBQ or party food and games and then you guys and anyone else that fancies joining go to the expensive restaurant later on.
It’s all a bit higgledy piggledy and doesn’t suit everyone.

Because she likes food other than McDonalds. Why shouldn't she like other food/restaurants? DS wouldn't have chosen maccy d's for birthday treat meal

At 12 I would hope my DC had a wide range of food tastes/restaurants.

I also hated restaurants that only offered beige options on their kids menus, we would always try and find one that also offered small plates off the main menu which also helped when eating out with elderly relatives who had smaller appetites

What? Seriously, what? You think family meeting up at home for a hang, then cinema and dinner out is a weird day that doesn’t work?

How do you people actually live, if that’s a weird day?

Thanks for putting my thoughts into words.

What's that Mumsnet phrase ? It's not a race to the bottom ?

Somehow millions of children, all over the world, have for generations been raised on mushed up 'what the adults are eating' instead of jars and tins of special foods (apparently because they contain all the vits and minerals....yeah, not just for convenience then) but then move on to beige food instead of non-mushed 'what the adults are eating'.

My sister-in-law used to produce three evening meals a day, one for each child and one for her and my brother. Somehow my mother managed to cook just the one which was eaten by five people.

Well as you are leaving the planning to dd and she wants to spend the day with her cousins and to go to the seafood restaurant why don't you just leave it to her. Which is more important to her 100% getting her own way and going to the seafood restaurant but her cousins not attending or choosing somewhere else but still spending time with them.

You seem to have got the hump with your brother and are digging your heals in, I would have thought this could have been a great opportunity to teach your dd about compromise. Instead what is going to happen is you wil go, your brother and the cousins won't come, it will leave a bitter taste in everyone's mouth, you think your db should back down, he thinks you could back down. Everyone gets on less well. Will your dd's birthday be ruined by going somewhere else? Can she go to that restaurant another time?

What on earth are you on about?!
Where did I say it was weird? I said it was higgledy piggledy to want to spend the day with your cousins but to then go to the cinema where you have to sit quietly!
Why not have the family around for a fun day and food and then the OP and her family and whoever wants to join them, go to the fancy restaurant later on.
Baffling.

Genuine question, do you believe the rest of the world have as many children with alleged eating disorders as we seem to have here in the UK, and if so, why ?

I understood a lot of other countries just persisted with small portions of adult foods.