AIBU to not compromise on my daughters birthday dinner for the sake of my niece and nephews

[randomcar1990]

My DD is turning 12 tomorrow, I also have a DS. Me and my DH have decided to let our daughter plan the entire day. She is having a birthday party with her friends next week, so on her actual birthday she wants to spend time with her cousins. So the whole family is coming over for the day. We are all going to the cinema and then we are going to dinner. My daughter loves seafood, and there is this one restaurant she wants to go to for her birthday. The restaurant is a bit more fancy than where we would usually go with the whole extended family, but it's her birthday and I'm willing to pay a bit more money for dinner because it's her birthday.

I did send my family a text and I told them about the restaurant. I also told them that I don't mind helping pay if some people think affording this restaurant would be difficult for them. Because I don't expect everybody to be able to afford the prices. Everybody was okay with the price and they were excited to go. Except for my brother, he told me that he looked at the kids menu and he said there was nothing in the menu that his kids would like. To be fair, the kids menu is more limited, there are options on the kids menu but because the restaurant is more fancy the kids menu is basically just smaller versions of the main dishes. The few non-seafood meals on the kids menu are also foods my brothers kids do not like. His kids are 11, 9 and 6.

So I did ask my daughter if there was any other restaurant she wants to go to. She said no.

I told my brother that I'm sorry but it's my daughters birthday and this is the one restaurant she wants to go to. I told him that his kids can eat something before we go to the restaurant but I also told him that surely there has to be something his kids like at the restaurant. I've looked at the menu and the kids menu still has things like fish and chips but his kids don't like fish. So I told him that his kids can have chips. But he is telling me it's not fair that his kids only have have the option of eating chips at this restaurant.

However, I am not changing the restaurant, my daughter wants to eat dinner at this place so that is where we are going to eat dinner

I would have arranged the expensive fish restaurant just for immediate family then arranged something more reasonably priced for everyone.

She didn’t know that did she?
And it’s her birthday. Of all days, that shouldn’t be the one where you fold over yourself to fit other people’s taste.

And seriously, they don’t like fish and chips?!?

Well go then! What is the point of this thread? Some posters have offered alternative viewpoints but you're set on this restaurant for the birthday meal, so go for it! 🤷‍♀️ It's not like your brother can change his children's entrenched eating habits overnight ready for going to a seafood restaurant so you just have to say this is the plan, let me know if you want to come.

Some cousins want to go to the restaurant and I assume they normally have to compromise too for the fussy eaters, so maybe just for once the 3 picky eaters compromise so the rest of the cousins can enjoy a special treat

No. It's great OP won't be spoiling her daughter's special treat to pander to fussy eaters :)

But the brother’s kids bend the entire family to their whim all the time, by demanding that meals out are restricted to three restaurants. These restaurants are acceptable to the brother’s DC because they can order the ‘right’ chicken nuggets as well as chips and possibly plain pasta.

Care to speculate on how delicious the rest of the family finds the food, or reconsider who is the most selfish?

I would not be happy to accommodate such fussiness.
The fact that all his children are like this makes me think there is no medical justification, just bad parenting.

They can literally just eat chips too for a single meal. Not any kind an issue.

Hopefully they won't go as they'll probably try to spoil the daughter's fun as they're normally pandered to.

100% with you OP. Well done for raising children with decent palettes and willingness to try different foods.

@randomcar1990 there is nothing wrong with your or your dd decision.

It’s not possible for every family outings to only be centred on them.
That their own parents do that, fine.
Bur expecting everyone else to go to only 3 places isn’t.

It does mean that your dd will probably not have her cousins at the meal. I assume she has realised that.
The cousins will be able to pin in furvtye rest of tge day anyway.

Completely disagree. If it was one child then I'd assume neaurodiversity, all of their children only eating the exact same food, that's parenting.

There are many posters on MN who have more than one child who are neuro diverse.

I hated all fish as a child, including fish and chips. Otherwise I was a pretty Ok eater, but fish, no.
And yes of course if its your birthday you can choose the place you like, but it also is good to be aware of other people. At 12 I would not have chosen a swimming party if three of my friends hated the water, I would not have chosen a cat cafe (if they had existed!) if three of my friends were allergic to cats etc etc - unless I didn't care if my friends came or not. I would not expect friends (or cousins) to come to something they would not enjoy.

When people have such a reduce range of food they are happy to eat, I’m always wondering

1- how do they viole health wise
2- how do they manage packed lunches - cold pasta everyday?
3- how on Earth will they cope as tgey get older - school trips that go over a week, going out with friends and later in as adults, going out with colleagues for a Christmas meal, seeing friends etc etc….

Even if ND is involved (which I know the OP said it’s not the case here), parents woukd encourage their dcs to still come, eat the chips and not make a fuss. It’s so restrictive otherwise.

I'm sick of seeing this smug shit. My friend's son had a very restricted diet - it was nothing to do with how he was raised, he was offered all sorts and exposed to many different cuisines as his parents enjoy good food, yet short of forcing it down his throat there was nothing they could do to get him to eat anything beyond a very limited range of food. She was tearing her hair out.

I'd say that the biggest mistake I have made as a neuro diverse parent of a neuro diverse child, is to revolve all of our meals out around Ds's needs and wishes. It isn't great to teach a child that she always needs to defer to preferences of others, even on her special day. Generally there should be compromise yes, but not on her birthday. So long as there is one choice, that is sufficient.

Hang on, so they'll only eat one of three dishes, one of which is available (chips) and they're still insisting you only go to somewhere that has chicken nuggets or plain pasta?

That's unhinged.

This is very different from "my brother wants more options".
It's "my brother wants to go somewhere that serves nuggets or plain pasta".

That's as restricting as, if not more than, a seafood restaurant that serves chips and other non-seafood options.

This brings to mind when we were expecting a visit from my brother, his wife and their two children, 8 and 10 years old.

Sister-in-Law phoned to ask what we would be eating. I said beef casserole, dumplings and green veggies.

Oh, ‘we’ don’t like dumplings (brother had always eaten them in our childhood so 'we' was a stretch).

OK, I’ll do mash as well.
Oh, child A doesn’t eat mash, only boiled.
OK, I’ll hold some boiled potatoes back.
What is in the casserole ?
Well, beef, onions,
Oh, Child B doesn’t eat onions
OK, no onions, mushrooms
Oh, child A doesn’t eat mushrooms
OK, no mushrooms, parsnips
Oh, ‘we’ don’t eat parsnips (brother had always eaten them in our childhood…).

OK, np parsnips, celery
Oh, Child B doesn't eat celery
OK, no celery, carrots, are you OK with carrots ?
Oh yes, we’ll eat anything….

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry

Interestingly, child A is married toa chef and her older son loves cooking and trying new foods. child B, now in her 40s is a great traveller and loves trying all local cuisines….

What? You should be embarrassed.

What is it with Britain and beige food. No where else in the world, other than the US, does “kid food.”
I’ve lived in Asia, Europe and Africa. Kids just eat food. The same food as adults. But in the UK, you feed your kids chicken nuggets instead of just giving them real food and then you think anyone who talks about their kids eating food is boasting. Her kid eats food - where is the boast?

If your kids can’t eat food, and can only eat beige processed crap, you should be embarrassed. You’re the odd one out. Rest of the world, and any kids with decent parents, just eat food.

Sounds like you compromise enough.

Go to where your daughter wants it's her birthday.
There IS options for them but they are just extremely fussy and you don't want McDonald's quality for a special day - totally fair!

They can have chips or eat before, simple!

Rest of the world, and any kids with decent parents, just eat food.

I feel sorry for those reading this post who genuinely wish their children would eat a wide assortment of foods that people still hold attitudes like this.

Do a birthday lunch somewhere cheap and cheerful with everyone before cinema, and then make it an open invitation to the dinner restaurant for those who fancy it. "DD has always wanted to try this place, so that's where we're going and you're all very welcome to join us if you fancy it too"

Unless their kids have some sort of SEN, or major allergies, the rest of the world just eats food. This really is a very British issue.

If you’ve raised your kids eating from the kids menu and from your freezer, then that’s on you. But other people who talk about their kids eating food, are not boasting. It’s just food.

Why should OP have to pay for a separate lunch of nuggets? So all the other aunts and uncles and cousins are obliged to come to two meals just because the kids won't eat one of the three foods they will supposedly eat?!