I am refusing to take away my children's holiday money because my sistsrs kids are jealous. AIBU?

[dramaticlifestyle]

We are on a family holiday right now. Me, my husband, my daughter (8 years old), my son (4 years old). My parents. My sister, her husband, and their 5 children.

My mum, bless her, really wanted to give everybody a bit of money to spend on holiday. She was able to spare £200 pounds which is absolutely lovely of her. My mum decided to split the money in half, she gave me £100 and my sister £100. I told my mum that I don't need the money because me and my husband already have enough holiday spending money. But ahe insisted, so I decided to give the money to my kids. £50 for my daughter, £50 for my son. That's their money to spend how they want.

My sister did the same thing as me and she gave all the money to her children, but because she has 5 children they get £20 each. We've been here for a few days and the kids have started asking each other about money, my daughter was asked how much money she has, she said she has £45 (She already spent £5). That has caused my sisters kids to start complaining to their mum and dad about the fact they only got £20 whilst my son and my daughter got £50.

My sister has since spoken to me and asked if I can take some of my children's money away because my sister can't afford to give each of her kids £30 because my sister and her husband already have a set budget for this holiday. I said that I'm sorry her kids feel jealous, however I am not going to take away my kids money because that isn't fair to my kids. I split the money fairly, my children shouldn't have to have their money taken away just because their cousins are jealous. I said I will make sure my kids aren't intentionally trying to make their cousins upset, but I will not take away some of their money. My mum also does not have more money to spare because she also has a holiday budget.

Right now we are sitting by the pool and my sister has decided to sit far away from the rest of us. Clearly trying to indicate she is upset.

AIBU?

She split the money equally between her children. The two sisters, for them to use however they wanted. In the same way OP has given money to her children to spend how they want. OP didn't know her sister was doing the same for her children with her £100

and you still got something despite being so rude?

What the fuck?
Of course she would, but her mum did a nice thing by giving money so she has to spend less.
And the kids having their 'own' money is fun for them, plus it teaches them about the value of money and how to say thank you and be grateful to be gifted it.

Difficult to take the money back now, but I think you could have foreseen this problem. IMO £50 spending money for children that age is an awful lot, so if possible I would take £30 of the money back from each of yours and tell them you’ll keep it for them until you get home so they can spend it later in the school holidays.

Common bloody sense would have also told the sister not to have had as many kids if she wanted her children to be on equal financial footing to her sibling's two children. But that seems to have escaped her.

Was just thinking this.
I'm not a big fan of kids being on screens all the time, and people can obviously raise their kids how they want, but I don't know who you think you are stipulating that your sister not give her kids screens when you're on holiday together.

Sorry, I meant it might have been better if mother had split the money equally between all gc, not her two daughters. As you say, she did split it equally between her 2 daughters, but what if OP had kept her share? Would her kids be asking why their cousins had money and they didn't?

This exactly and I if it were my nieces and nephews and I would have given them some of money from your mum so all the grandchildren had the same amount

I would have either split the money equally between all the kids or put the extra £30 each of my kids had buy for another holiday treat so they all had te same amount to spend.

Thats ridiculous.

The difference is that a tablet and extra spending money are extras, not basic needs. A child is not missing out on anything important by not having them for a week.

Imagine thinking “my child can survive without a tablet for a week” is the same as “my child is being denied something essential.” That’s quite a stretch.

If you really don't care about anyone else, don't go on a family holiday.

Well, if she had and they did, she would have had to deal with it which is what her sister should now be doing shouldn’t she? Instead of sister asking OP to take previously given money back from her children; that’s wrong.

If your children are using the money mostly for ice creams, and you spending money from your Mum was unnecessary for you, could you defuse the situation slightly by buying a couple of rounds of ice for all the kids?
I agree if you take your Mum out of the equation altogether, what spending money you give your children is your business, but if you can afford it it probably wouldn't hurt family harmony to make the gesture.

well the difference is that YOUR way must be the one everybody has to follow,
and you think YOU are the one who should make the rules for everybody.

What happens when they have all different bedtime and get up time? YOU are the one who dictates what is acceptable too?

Yes, absolutely. I’m a terrible person because I think children can survive a holiday without sitting in front of a tablet. Someone call social services immediately.

Next they’ll discover I also expect children to talk to each other, play together, and enjoy being on holiday with their family. The horror.

There is a big difference between “my child’s routine must control everyone” and “let’s avoid unnecessary things that create inequality between children on a shared holiday.” But I guess nuance is harder than calling someone controlling.

But is it not selfish of you, to ask your sister not to allow tech on holidays? can you not see the hypocrisy here? You are right we all chose how we parent our own children, but you have no more right to ban tech as your sister does to allow it. Similarly it’s not anyone’s place to dictate the spending money parents give to their children. My siblings kids always have more spending money than mine, but it’s never been an issue, and to be honest we’re not glued to them 24/ 7 when we do joint holidays, we normally breakfast together, do separate things during the day and meet up again in the evenings. Couple of years ago one of my dc bought a deck of souvenir cards and many happy hours were spent playing card games with cousins, meanwhile niece and nephew got some inflatables, and again many happy hours sharing the pool toys!

OPs sister had plenty of options to make this all okay, instead she chose to be snotty and show her displeasure. Not the best behaviour from an adult, and certainly not OPs fault!

This thread is mad. I'm a third of the way through and can't face any more ridiculousness.

When we went on holidays with a sibling and our nephew and niece, it never occurred to me to ask how much spending money nephew and niece had. Nor did my SIL ever ask me with regard to my children. Both sets of children had a second set of grandparents, who may well have given them holiday spending money too.

It was no-ones business what the other family had to spend, so I find this whole situation bizarre. It wasn't down to one grandma or to OP to be negotiating who had been given what and by whom.

I hope some people actually started reading your posts further along the thread @dramaticlifestyle

Wow subtext is sibling rivalry is going strong here with OP. Any decent person would have ensured their kids had the same amount as their cousins and if that meant keeping some of their share back for when they get home then so be it. They’re 8 and 4 ffs they don’t need 50 each.

Allowing your kids to have more than their cousins and then telling your sister to suck it up is unnecessary and a bit cruel. She may have chosen to have 5 kids but the kids didn’t chose to be born into a larger family. They’re now going to think their cousins are somehow worth more than them and it certainly seems their aunt is an insensitive fanny too. Communication with the sister would have stopped all this before it happened.

you can try to be as superior as you like, you still insist on raising other people's children YOUR way.

“let’s avoid unnecessary things that create inequality between children on a shared holiday.”
well, not quite. You are just not comfortable with your own parenting if you fear your own children wouldn't quite agree with the lack screens and tablets

“let’s avoid unnecessary things that create inequality between children on a shared holiday.”
I would love to hear what things YOU accept to change / do/ not do in order to keep that equality or if it's just one sided.

OP this is a learning curve for you. When going on a group holiday, its best to talk about this sort of stuff beforehand, because for obvious reasons it's got potential to blow up in an unpleasant way and spoil the hol.
The done thing to do us organise some boundaries /communicate over stuff that applies to the kids so that awkwardness doesnt arise - its called having a bit of sensitivity. Eg the adults have a chat beforehand about how late the kids are going to be allowed to stay up, how much freedom are adults happy to give them over drinking a load of pop and eating a load if sugar every day etc, and everyone agrees a bit of a compromise to ensure things go smoothly on holiday.

You and your sister didnt realise, but now you know, its time to go and sort it out with your sister like grownups.

Dont be smug and try to punish her for having more children - thats not for now, you'll spoil the holiday.

What’s the issue???

why are you shouting?

Sister shouldn’t have had so many kids!!!

not the mums fault. She gave money to the daughters. Daughters decided to pass to kids. Yes the kids of sister have less because there’s more of them. That’s life.

OP I wouldn’t worry. Just get on with your holiday. Please don’t take money from your kids. That feels really mean. It’s not their fault. She can top her up if she’s that desperate

This certainly wouldn't be the hill I'd die on on a family holiday (and I'd say that too if I were your sister). I can't understand families who fall out over this stuff actually going on holidays with each other. has it ever occurred to you that you aren't the kind of family who can manage multi-family holidays well?

Since you are the one who posted - not your sister - OP, I would say you should have talked to your sister about how much spending money you were each giving your kids and agreed a sum.

I presume that you both have told your children that the money came from granny. How are you explaining to a 4 year old that Granny gave her 50 pounds but her cousins 20 pounds. I suppose it is a good opportunity for maths and fractions if nothing else.

I think it’s great for kids to learn about money young and to appreciate the costs of things.

no idea why people are getting so angry 😂

I think that on any ‘group’ holiday there needs to be some level of agreement about what will be happening, especially when there are children involved. If children’s spending money wasn’t discussed in advance there was always a risk something like this could happen.

Would you (OP) be happy if you turned up to find that BIL’s parents had paid and arranged for their family and your parents to go to an amazing water park/ safari/ Disneyland etc. while you were away and there was no availability for your children to join them? You don’t think you would feel a bit sad if your children had to listen to their cousins discussing the fantastic time they’d had and you couldn’t provide the same?

My point is that it is normal for parents to buy ice cream for the children.
A four year old does not need extra ice cream.
The OP gave the money to the child so now the parents are buying their own ice cream and the children are buying theirs.