I am refusing to take away my children's holiday money because my sistsrs kids are jealous. AIBU?

[dramaticlifestyle]

We are on a family holiday right now. Me, my husband, my daughter (8 years old), my son (4 years old). My parents. My sister, her husband, and their 5 children.

My mum, bless her, really wanted to give everybody a bit of money to spend on holiday. She was able to spare £200 pounds which is absolutely lovely of her. My mum decided to split the money in half, she gave me £100 and my sister £100. I told my mum that I don't need the money because me and my husband already have enough holiday spending money. But ahe insisted, so I decided to give the money to my kids. £50 for my daughter, £50 for my son. That's their money to spend how they want.

My sister did the same thing as me and she gave all the money to her children, but because she has 5 children they get £20 each. We've been here for a few days and the kids have started asking each other about money, my daughter was asked how much money she has, she said she has £45 (She already spent £5). That has caused my sisters kids to start complaining to their mum and dad about the fact they only got £20 whilst my son and my daughter got £50.

My sister has since spoken to me and asked if I can take some of my children's money away because my sister can't afford to give each of her kids £30 because my sister and her husband already have a set budget for this holiday. I said that I'm sorry her kids feel jealous, however I am not going to take away my kids money because that isn't fair to my kids. I split the money fairly, my children shouldn't have to have their money taken away just because their cousins are jealous. I said I will make sure my kids aren't intentionally trying to make their cousins upset, but I will not take away some of their money. My mum also does not have more money to spare because she also has a holiday budget.

Right now we are sitting by the pool and my sister has decided to sit far away from the rest of us. Clearly trying to indicate she is upset.

AIBU?

I'd be curious if the sister always expect MORE "because she has 5 kids don't you know", more money, more help, more babysitting..

Or if its a new thing

I'm enjoying all the "£50! Outrageous! I'd have given them a fifty pence piece!" comments 😂

OP why on earth didn't you discuss the kids' spending money amounts in advance as soon as you knew you were going on holiday together, even before your mum decided to stir the pot be so generous? This was entirely avoidable

What's done is done but I can't imagine just not caring about my nieces and nephews like this. I would never want to see mine upset, especially over something so completely avoidable.

“I suspect it's OP's children who have caused the issue by telling their cousins how much pocket money they were given.”

You suspect this even though it was written in the op that the op’s daughter was asked how much money she had…

And we wonder why families say they have no money!🙄What a waste.£50 for a 4 year old is ridiculous as is just wasting money on tat, just because. Spending wisely and eeking it out is so much better for children.

It's a shame that your mum didn't split the money between the GC.
To ve honest, In the same situation I would have done the same with my two adult sons. ' just said, there you go lads, have a treat on me'. What happens next is out of my control.
Any grandchildren would get ice cream and snacks as treats on holiday.

Ops mum has done nothing wrong. Shes given each of her daughters £100 each which is a lovely thing to do.
You should have kept it for a while then given it to dcs,spent it on something later.

True

And it's not the same thing anyway as nobody should expect an equal share of other people's money.

But they also come to know that life isn't like that for everybody. They may have friends who live in massive houses and have all the latest toys, maybe even a pony; but if their parents can't afford to buy them an ice cream on holiday, their own everyday reality will be starkly different.

I know it's almost a cliche of teaching kids gratitude now, but I don't think it harms kids to be told that, although other kids they know may have more, many children in the world will have far, far less than they do - including not even enough food to stop them from feeling hungry all the time, or clean water to drink.

Your mum saw it as dividing her resources evenly between her two daughters.

Her daughters wanted to pass it on generously to their children, but that creates an imbalance because your sister has way more kids than you.

Nobody tried to make it unfair, but damage limitation would seem to be the best option here. You don't want the holiday to be ruined by jealousy and ill-feeling.

How about discreetly asking your children to let you put £30 from each of them away for later? They don't lose it altogether, but they are on the same budget as their cousins.

Genuinely, if it had been the Dad’s family who gifted the money, I’d have had a conversation with my sibling & explained we had this spending extra money for the kids, but that I didn’t want my nephews or nieces to feel bad, so I was going to use the money on X specific thing - and then either used it on a nice meal or trip out for our family unit, or told my kids to choose one special souvenir each as a gift from their grandparents (& I’d’ve reminded them not to show off about it to their cousins). I still wouldn’t have had a constant drip, drip of some kids having more treats than others, bcos to me that sets a negative tone to the holiday.

I think if the kids are mature enough to have saved up their own pocket money then that’s totally different, and of course they should be rewarded for their efforts in saving by being able to spend it how they please. I’d STILL remind them not to rub it in their cousins faces though!!

In any scenario, my number one priority would be minimising friction between the cousins, and making sure the whole family had fun - because surely that’s the point of all going on holiday together?!

Me neither. My kids and nephews/nieces wouldn’t have felt the need to fritter money like water either though. When we were on holiday with the in-laws, the kids had the occasional ice cream and chose something special from a gift shop at the end if they really wanted, often they didn’t.

OPs mum wanted to give HER OWN daughters an equal amount of money to do with as they chose.

Good for her, she was being a fair and kind mother to her two daughters.

Just as OP is being a good, kind and fair mum to her own kids, which is as it should be.

I’m grateful that I have a kind easy going relationship with my sisters, this would not happen between us. My mother always gave equal amounts of money to her DGC.

There is a lot of adults who would not consider a child’s wellbeing over themselves, who needs enemies when these actions happen on a family holiday.

I was one of 5 children and often didn’t have the things that other children had, but the close sibling relationships I have now are worth much more than the latest Barbie or in this case £30. Although I didn’t feel so happy about it at the time.

What was the point in ruining the relationship between you over money. It’s is unfair that her DC got less, but that’s life. You could have prevented it but didn’t.,

I'm a granny. If I had that many grandchildren on holiday at the same time and in the same place I'd have given each one £20.00. No arguments and a lovely treat.

Was that really necessary? You could have easily predicted how it would go and could have aligned with your sister beforehand to give roughly equal amounts of holiday money to kids (and the rest to them later after the holiday).

what are you trying to achieve? What point are you making? Isn’t the point of a family holiday to have nice time as a family and foster good relationships? If your point it to make everyone fall out /rub something into your sister’s face, why are you going on family holiday at all?

Your poor mom tried hard to save the money just for this to become an isdue which spoils relationships between sisters and cousins. That disrespectful even to the effort she made to save these money.

I honestly couldn’t sit by and let the kids feel bad. I would have just given them £20 and let them spend the rest at home. As you said you didn’t need anything, so why can’t you just change it now?
your 4yo won’t care and your 8yo can spend a little more if she wants.

Your mum better sort her will out fairly lol. This is exactly what will happen again in the future

You either don’t remember being a child and/or you have never been on a family holiday together.

Children should be treated equally. It is the adults’ responsibility to communicate about it and make sure things are fair, especially when it comes to money.

If you don’t want to do that, fine — go on holiday alone with your own family. But don’t go on holiday as part of a bigger family and then act shocked when you’re expected to behave like one.

It doesn’t matter whose children are whose or how many children each person has. The six children could have had the loveliest holiday together, playing and not caring about anything, but one person’s decision about giving them money ended up spoiling it for everyone.

If my sister asked me not to give something to my children because she didn’t want to do the same or couldn’t afford it, I would respect that. I would also expect the same respect from her.

But it isn't OP saying that her family has no money.

Honestly, an ice cream or a small toy each day or two on holiday isn't excessive. Maybe it is 'tat' to an adult, but stuff like that brings happiness to little ones; I don't think he's going to be having the most fun on holiday if he's urged to invest it in stocks and shares or consider starting a pension.

OMG the responses on this just make me realise how mental people are! Some are so dramatic!!

Could and should this have been handled a little differently initially? Yes probably. But as it wasn’t then your sister is acting completely immature and silly. A family of seven is always going to be spread thinner than a family of four. That’s just life, your sister needs to grow up and understand that.

This.

Where are these parents of whom you speak? At my DC's last party, they were out the door so quickly that I couldn't see their shoes for dust.

And yes, their little darlings were pretty hot on the pieces of cake being equal sizes and a fair quota of sweets (the cake was covered in sweets) being given with each piece. Though one child did laugh at himself when I suggested getting out a ruler so he could measure properly which piece was bigger before deciding between two.

They're all mercenary, avaricious little sods (mine included) and ime entirely typical of your average 8yo. Personally I like them immensely, find them very good company if slightly feral and appreciate their ability to speak up for themselves and defend their rights. But then there was a saying where I grew up: shy bairns get nowt. Still largely true today.

so you would basically give one of your children £40
and the other £100

lovely. I couldn't treat my own kids like that, but each to their own.

I think you've all handled it badly. Your mum gave you the money for the whole family yet the outcome is that you've given your four-year-old the princely sum of £50! Far better to either give 25 (or whatever) to each child, or give the 200 to the parents and say it's for a family treat eg a meal out.

I can't help but wonder if gran gave her daughters equal money shares rather than the kids because the sister normally demands a lot more for her 5 kids and she wanted OP to get a fair share for once.