I am refusing to take away my children's holiday money because my sistsrs kids are jealous. AIBU?

[dramaticlifestyle]

We are on a family holiday right now. Me, my husband, my daughter (8 years old), my son (4 years old). My parents. My sister, her husband, and their 5 children.

My mum, bless her, really wanted to give everybody a bit of money to spend on holiday. She was able to spare £200 pounds which is absolutely lovely of her. My mum decided to split the money in half, she gave me £100 and my sister £100. I told my mum that I don't need the money because me and my husband already have enough holiday spending money. But ahe insisted, so I decided to give the money to my kids. £50 for my daughter, £50 for my son. That's their money to spend how they want.

My sister did the same thing as me and she gave all the money to her children, but because she has 5 children they get £20 each. We've been here for a few days and the kids have started asking each other about money, my daughter was asked how much money she has, she said she has £45 (She already spent £5). That has caused my sisters kids to start complaining to their mum and dad about the fact they only got £20 whilst my son and my daughter got £50.

My sister has since spoken to me and asked if I can take some of my children's money away because my sister can't afford to give each of her kids £30 because my sister and her husband already have a set budget for this holiday. I said that I'm sorry her kids feel jealous, however I am not going to take away my kids money because that isn't fair to my kids. I split the money fairly, my children shouldn't have to have their money taken away just because their cousins are jealous. I said I will make sure my kids aren't intentionally trying to make their cousins upset, but I will not take away some of their money. My mum also does not have more money to spare because she also has a holiday budget.

Right now we are sitting by the pool and my sister has decided to sit far away from the rest of us. Clearly trying to indicate she is upset.

AIBU?

It is fair. Op was given £100. Ops sister was also given £100.
if op had kept the money and decided buy booze with her £100 and piss it away, while her sister split her £100 with her five kids, so five kids had £20 and Ops had £0 would that be fair?
the answer is yes, because as adults they get to chose how to spend their money.
look at it another way OP buys £100 worth of scratch cards and wins £1000. Her sister also buys £100 of scratch cards but only wins £20. Now one sister has £900 more. And the other only has £20. Is it fair? Yes! Because they both started out with the same, and made a choice of how to use the £100.

Oh dear heavens. The ‘give all the children presents on one child’s birthday’ crowd have arrived.

Life isn’t fair and the sooner children understand that the better for everyone.

I do agree the children should be told not to discuss money with other people.

I do wish people would, at least, read all of OP's posts though and stop commenting on things that didn't happen...... 🙄

I’m not. But if you believe so best you take your simple mind and run away from me, huh?

BUT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE THE MONEY TO THE GC!

Honestly, don't people engage logical thinking before commenting? If it's such a state-the-bleeding-obvious solution that a hundred people have suggested it on this thread despite OP REPEATEDLY explaining, then surely they can understand that the grandmother also had the brain capacity to realise that it was an option?

It wasn't like she's an idiot who didn't think it through!

Perhaps she was planning on buying the grandkids a few little treats as well. Perhaps she always buys them stuff and wanted to treat her daughters and their partners to treat themselves for once. Perhaps she thought the kids would waste it on random crap. Perhaps she was worried they would lose it. Perhaps she thought giving a 4 year old £50 is insanity! It doesn't matter, for whatever reason she wanted to give money to treat the whole family, not just the grandkids.

It’s a mess , can you text her and find a way to resolve it?

Her kids will discover not everyone has the same income, they’ll be just fine.

Yes, OP would be best to avoid situations where her sister can teach her children to be envious and make ridiculous demands, so agree separate holidays would be better for OP going forward.

It hardly makes for a nice atmosphere, though, does it?

Yup. It's a nothingburger. Or it should have been.

Lots of people will have more than you. Such is life.

I agree this could have been managed much better by the adults.
£50 spending money for a 4 year old is, imo, ridiculous.

I would have given them £25 to spend and put another £25 each into their savings account/piggy bank. They could enjoy spending it later in the school holidays.

These hypotheticals are devoid of the context we are given here. The money was given in view of spending money for the family units, so the sizes should have been taken into account when the money was divided initially.

Unfortunately OPs sister has certainly seen to that. Her response should have been a shrug. Such is life.

How do the other kids know your two have £50 if they’ve hardly spent any of it and you as siblings didn’t discuss it??Who’s told them? Are your children gloating about it?

It really sadden me when I read threads like that people have become so inconsiderate of other people's feelings because they hold on to hatters on principles...when it suits them...

The mum did wrong by offering the same amount to both families unless she expected it to be spent by the daughters only.

However, the moment OP decided to give it to her kids, she should have told her mum she didn't need it and for her to keep OR to divide it all equally between the grand children.

Kids love a bit of pocket money to spend on holiday, it's one of the biggest excitement. This is not about resilience. Resilience would be to explain that some parents are more well off than others, but not when it comes to pocket money on a joint holiday when the kids tell eachother that two have more than twice than the other.

What I don't get is how OP feel no empathy at all. I couldn't enjoy a family holiday knowing my kids would get to show they got more money from their grandparents to spend as they wish. I'd feel really bad for the other kids. Ultimately, it's fueling resentment and is probably starting conflict with the sister using this in the future to not do something for her niece/nephew when they might need her. All this for 20 kids.

I really don't get it.

BabyMolly

£50 on a 2 week holiday is about £3.60 a day.
That's an ice lolly and a pack of sweets. Considerably less daily if they buy something outright like a teddy or a souvenir tshirt.
Or go to the arcade.

Yes, I'm amazed at the posters acting horrified, as though it's an absolute fortune. It reminds me of Malory Towers - set in the 1940s - where Josephine's rich father has sent her FIVE POUNDS and even the adults seem fazed by this huge sum!!

OP has repeatedly said that she is the guardian of the money, and they have to ask her for some if they want to spend it (presumably with OP actually handing it over, especially for the 4yo). They haven't just been given £50 in crisp notes to run off with into the waves.

In reality, it will likely be that they spend some of their own money on things that their DM would otherwise have bought for them, so all they're really benefiting is the opportunity to learn some valuable budgeting skills. I don't understand the people saying that a 4yo would have no comprehension of how money works to buy things - children routinely 'play shops' at nursery. If OP's DSis can't afford to treat her DC to ice creams or whatever, once their own money is nominally gone... well she chose to have 5 DC, so it's down to her if they go without because she had more than she can afford.

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Her children were quizzed about it by their jealous cousins.

Your thread heading and responses indicate a set mindset with regards to the money, your sister's reaction and the distribution of the money.
Did you not think prior to giving your children £50 each, that it would cause issues with your nieces and nephews regardless of what your sister did with her £100? The adults need to take some responsibility here as it has the potential to cause ongoing damage to relationships.

I feel sad for your nieces and nephews who are sad because of adult decision-making, including your mother, their failure to discuss the money and it's distribution. In addition, their failure to acknowledge that this has cast a shadow over the holiday.
Frankly, it's sad that yet again on a parenting forum, parenting choices to have more than the 'acceptable' 2 children or one and done are being called out by some.

What your sister fails to realise is that, even if you and she had kept the money and decided how to spend it, the £100 would have gone further for a family with 4 members than it would for one with 7 members. It would still have looked unequal - but it’s not your responsibility to make it look equal, when you decided to have 2 children, and she decided to have 5.

@Glowingup why are you shocked £50 isn't that much on holiday
2 ice creams - £10
Doll

Inflatable
T shirt
whatever other tat they want to buy!

£50 on holiday is not much

It was for spending money!!! Thus going to be for t on the children. To avoid being unfair to the adults in the equation she should have given some spending money to each child , would have avoided a load of difficulty. My mum never gives us adults holiday spending money as we’re adults but often gives the grandkids some cash of exactly the same amount.

To be honest £20 is more than enough, £50 for an 8 and 4 year old is excessive.

I'm sure that unless the sister becomes much wealthier than OP, her children will have less throughout their childhood.

Yes, due to their own mother. The sister should parent her children better and teach them to be more grateful instead of whining on a holiday because their cousins got more.

It’s interesting how those on the receiving end of envy are seemingly expected to be the ones to alleviate and manage it.

If your sister wants to sulk, let her.

I suspect it's OP's children who have caused the issue by telling their cousins how much pocket money they were given.

Kids aren't stupid. And anyone who has ever cut up a cake at a birthday party knows the importance of being scrupulously fair in situations where they all feel that they're part of one 'group' and the group should be treated the same. They don't need adults to point out inequalities in treatment to them.

I have this with grandchildren, give it to the children and split the money between the children, after all it is for the children, not each family.

Unfortunately OPs sister has certainly seen to that. Her response should have been a shrug. Such is life
And such is life that if one day OP needs her to help with her kids, she too will shrug too and tell her she won't help and so is life!

Family should be the one social support we should be able to count on, not turn it into competition of who can do the least for the other. I'm so glad my family is exactly the opposite, prioritising fairness and harmony.