AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

How much are we talking about? Is it just under the £6k limit for no deductions or is it under the £16k threshold? Either way, considering they have been divorced 5 years, she could easily have saved that money in that time and really it has nothing to do with what he's paying now. He could ask for it to be reviewed. I don't blame single parents for working part-time, I worked full-time as a single mother and it nearly destroyed me. Her UC will be based on her earnings not the fact that she only works 16 hours p.w. But if you were previously managing alone, perhaps it would have been better if he hadn't moved in.

I don’t think your DP should ask for any money back, but should refuse any new requests for financial help. There is no need for him to say that he knows she has savings. He can just say that he has seen on social media that she seems to be living an expensive lifestyle that the two of you could not afford, despite the fact that you are both working part time, and that therefore he will no longer be able to afford to pay for school trips and other extras. If she complains that she can’t afford it, he can simply tell her that she should look for a full time job.

Where is the money currently going that he’s offered as rent? Also, if (as mentioned) he’s able to save for his child to go to university while you only have savings of £1000 (which could be wiped out by a car/ boiler/ appliance breakdown) it doesn’t sound like the financial split in your household is fair. If I were you OP I would start by looking at the finances within your own household to ensure your child isn’t missing out to allow him to support his child.

As an aside, I’m currently a SAHP to a baby and toddler (through circumstances not choice) and hoping to start working part-time next year. If I were to get divorced in 10-15 years time I would absolutely expect the financial split to reflect my loss of earnings/ future earnings/ pension etc. that’s one of the reasons I got married!

This is on your partner. He needs to call her bluff on all the extras he's paying for.

He stopped her having to rack up more credit card debt my contributing to her bills and he has offered to pay more to her. I'd say that's enhancing her life.

I mean this as kindly as possible ,

His ex wife financially currently is nothing to do with you.

Your partner agreed this at the time, eventually his children will be 18. The house will need to be sold and he will get what ever is due to him at that time. His ex wife may be preparing for that moment. Once the children turn 18 UC will likely drop significantly (I’ve seen it stated on here plenty of times)

Maybe the better choice is not to have blended your family with his until his children are 18 and he has the freedom.

Whether she lied is lying - that’s on her. No one knows all what went on at the time.

You may have written it but the only advise I have for him is to make sure his finances part of the divorce is sorted or that savings he has for his children uni could be at risk.

OP I understand that it is getting to you. Others pointing out how the financials do and do not affect you don't stop that.

She's your co-wife in a way. He's supporting the children it seems so that's good. Yet the situation is getting to you and probably will at least until his children are adult (and then some).

The key link in the trio is him, not you or her. While you are with him you are by proxy with her. Want to keep him? Fine, but 'this' goes on and you know it. Ditch him and she is gone too, while you still feel the financial pinch. Those are the two basic realities you face.

It's his choice to keep paying all the extras. He could just say no and stick to the original agreement.

Your partner should not have snooped through her papers in the first place. No way was he looking for child’s form 🙄

Exactly how much is he paying out monthly, if you’re both working full time, him 50 hours and you bought your house on a scheme, then how are you both so broke? Surely him staying hasn’t increased the utility bills by 50%.
He should be paying for ad hoc items on top of maintenance like many non resident parents do.
How much is he paying monthly. He can surely have this reassessed in court?
He is paying towards your children’s household expenses too.

So you are better off now he is paying half of the household bills - as he is paying towards your children's gas / electricity / water etc. usage.
and food ?!!!

Is that fair, you don't say how many children you yourself have but it's plural so at least 2.

Surely he should only be paying 1/3rd towards bills as you are responsible for your children's costs, not him.

Once his share of the utilities and food are paid for ( and if he works so much I doubt he gets to use much water gas electricity etc )

What are you doing with your extra money are you paying towards all these credit cards you have ?

Just think, if you did accept ' rent ' from him you could the afford to go out / eat out / go on holidays
as I would guess £500 would be incredibly doable for him as he wouldn't get a room in a house share for that would he

So 4 months of £500 - you could afford an all inclusive holiday for the 2 of you, 6 months of £500 you could afford a holiday for the 2 of you and your children.

and:

'He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.'

He must have had a rough idea ! he had been living with her and their child, he must have known if she was working - part time / full time, min wage job or a good one etc. or a stay at home mother. he must have know what she spent and what bills there was.

So you were struggling to keep your head above water. He has financial commitments to his child. He moves in with you and covers some of the living costs you were previously covering on your own.

You don’t want rent from him, he’s offered to pay more. It sounds like you both keep your finances separate. He’s paying for ad hoc extras over and above what he’s required to, taking money out of his pocket, that you’ve said you don’t want anyway.

It sounds like you’re just pissed off with the ex tbh. There are ways you could balance your joint income to the benefit of the whole family but you don’t want to do that, you just want his child to have less. If he does stop paying for additional bits, all that will happen is he has more money, which still doesn’t make your life easier because you’ve already refused additional money from him.

If you aren’t able to have an open conversation about what he should contribute to the household that is fair to both of you, that’s your decision. Once his actual living costs are established he can then decide how much, if any, extra he can pay for his child.

I'm sorry OP, but this means that DH and his ex have not made things any worse for you financially, have they? You're slighlty better off with him paying half the bills (and offering to pay rent).

I get that its annoying that he's paying for her to be better off than you are (because he is a good dad paying to ensure his son has a good life) but thats what has been agreed, so you need to either accept it, or move him on if you want someone to provide you a better standard of living.

The bitterness will eat away. You don’t need to be locked into this arrangement op. You took him on knowing precisely his set up. He can either stop spending on her extras or it is over, as far as I can see.

Op, most important factor for you is to let go of resentment. It will destroy your relationship and enjoyment in life.

The majority of women who are divorced are financially weaker, when you look at overall finances, such as equity, pension and career potential

How much percentage wise does your partner contribute from his salary? It might help to put it in perspective

Secondly as others say, she only has 4 years to build up savings to provide housing for herself and children. If she is on a low income how will she remortgage? Her pension position will be very weak, whereas you are both building finances for the future, it's often not apparent but will be in the future.

I would never criticise a man for paying to support and Ex and children. They were a joint unit at one stage and most men thrive in careers when their wife steps back from work after children.

You are allowed savings of Under £6000 and can still receive full UC, savings of between £6000 and £16000 will reduce your eligibility for UC on a sliding scale until you get a zero award at £16000+ in savings.
@Lovingthesummersun1 you do not know her financial situation nor do you know if she gets any UC let alone full UC, just because she likes to wind you up by claiming she does doesn't make it true.
Also your partners decisions during the divorce were his choices and in another few years he will be able to sell the house he jointly owns with his exw and will receive his share of the profits.
You are not funding her lifestyle by not charging your partner rent, that is a choice you made so he has no claim on your house and he pays his share of bills (according to you). Realistically you are no worse off than you would be if he didn't live with you.
You need to stay off her social media and your partner needs to stop snooping through her private documents and stop asking his son about his mums finances.
If you truly believe that she is committing benefits fraud then report her, but be prepared for the fallout when your stepson and his finds out what you did especially if shes innocent

It doesnt stack up OP, where is his money going? What was his housibg situation before he moved in with you? Presumably he was housing hinsrlf AND paying the ex. Now he hasnt got the cost of running a house he should be better off? You should be better off even if hes only contributing to bills.

I do get why you are annoyed by it though.

Feel your pain OP. DH's ex never worked a day in her life, while we funded her in a big house in London and both worked our socks off. She negotiated the settlement while she had the kids in her home country threatening not to return and DH didn't want to revisit the agreement as it would have just caused upset and chaos for the kids which was fair enough.

My strong advice is to put it all to one side. The more you resent her, the more it impacts you. Distance yourself, limit how much you talk about her, and only focus on your finances and your family. However, your DP is on the mortgage and that needs to change IMO. That ties them, and impacts his ability to borrow, and therefore move on properly.

That little snippet says that you will be happy that children won't be able to see their father anymore and that their mother may lose her job. That little snippet says a lot about you. You being suicidal doesn't justify that thought process, I can't think of anything that would justify that thought process.

And even if he was you see a bank logo at the top and flick passed, you don’t have to read the whole page and check the balance

I know this isn't the point but who has paper bank statements these days?

Is she trying to get this information out?

OP couldn’t really afford to live how she was before the partner. Now that he is, she has a bit of leeway , but not a lot, mainly because she thinks if he pays more (actively contributes to the mortgage) - which he has offered he’ll have a stake in the house and she doesn’t want that. How exactly is SHE subsidising the ex I don’t know.

I presume what she’d like is for her partner to stop paying, have more spare income and pick up the slack on socialising, going out, nice things, buy extra stuff , treats etc. , but not in an “official” way, so she can protect her assets.

You need to take money from your DH instead of rent.
Your DH needs to start saying no to extras.

This is a you ann him problem. Don't focus elsewhere.

I think it needs a calm conversation between your DP and his ex. Surely he can explain how he’s struggling financially and can they come to a compromise.

I felt a bit like this in the past. ExDP paid maintenance and extras, and his ex genuinely did live very well on that + benefits whilst working 16hrs. She went on plenty of holidays with her new partner whilst the three SDC were sent to us dressed in rags and shoes that didn’t fit. We struggled to house and support them all in the style we wanted, whilst receiving no benefits and working full time.

It didn’t last though. SDC are now entering teen years and cost her considerably more. She’s had to get a full time job too. I’ve also broken up with exDP and it feels great to just be able to focus on my own!