AIBU to resent funding DP's ex while we struggle monthly?

[Lovingthesummersun1]

TLDR: Am I being unreasonable to be really angry about DPs exW lying about her financial situation while we fund her lifestyle and are just living month to month.

Sorry if a bit long as want to give context and not drip feed.
DP split with his ExW just over 6 years ago. We've been together 5. He was in the final stages of sorting his financials in his divorce when we met, I didnt get involved with it but was aware of decisions he was making as he didnt want to hide anything from me. He didnt ask for financial disclosure from her as she pleaded poverty, no savings and tiny pension. He also paid her legal fees as she said she couldnt afford them and he just wanted the whole thing done. He said he trusted what she was saying and also wanted to make sure his child was properly provided for.

Ended up agreeing mescher order until DC is 18 or leaves FTE (4 years time) plus quite a significant number of household bills within the financial agreement plus CMS payments. He also never quibbles if she asks for him to cover school trips, uniform, other ad hoc expenses as he doesnt want DC missing out. DSC says when they ask ExW for things / school trips the answer is we cant afford it.
For context, we have DC every weekend. DP sometimes works up to a 50 hour week. I also work FT around my DC's needs. We're both exhausted and skint with very little time for each other.

ExW works 16 hours a week to get full UC (which she reminds me of at every opportunity if Im the one doing handover, as 'she couldnt work in a stressful job like I do, she just wants to have more free time' (dont we all)).

A year ago my DP moved into my house. He pays half the bills but no rent / contribution to mortgage as Ive made it clear this is my house and I dont want him to have any claim on it if we were to ever split (I had to start from scratch after my split and this house is my security for me and my DC, I cant risk losing our roof over my DC head). He's 100% on board with that but did offer extra money for rent. I said no as hes paying for his mortgage and DC expenses.

End of each month we're just about making ends meet. No meals out, no holidays. We make sure neither of our DC go short on anything though. We have very little savings (I have less than £1000 to my name)

The last year his ExW has been plastering all over socials going out every weekend, weekends away etc. We wondered where the money was coming from and were concerned about her racking up debt that may affect her credit rating and by default my DPs as hes also on the joint mortgage.

A few weeks ago when my DP was collecting DSC, DSC asked him to help look for a school form in a pile of papers on the kitchen table (ExW was out at work). ExW's bank statement was there. She has got £1000's in her account above usual monthly spending / bills.
My DP is really upset and angry that shes been lying about her financial situation while he works to the point hes burnt out and exhausted to make sure she financially has her head above water to support DSC. Hes not said anything to her as he doesnt want to create conflict.

I feel really angry that Im also indirectly subsidising her life by paying the majority for our household to ensure my DP can pay for hers while she works 2 days a week, loads of time off and no stress while I wake up with anxiety every day about my stressful job and paying the bills.
Whenever I see her she takes no hesitation to rub my nose in the fact shes doent work much and how much UC she gets as she cant afford things without it. For context, shes fit and healthy and could work FT if she wanted to. DSC is old enough to be at home on their own for an hour or so after school.

Shes not had any inheritance or windfalls (as she is very vocal about these types of things).

We dont want to let on we know but my DP also thinks she should be offering at the very least to pay back the legal fees he covered for her and hes said he will now refuse requests for money to pay for household things as in her words 'she cant afford it and its for DCs benefit'.

Just so angry and upset that we're budgeting, working hard and going without while it feels shes taken absolute advantage of us and my DPs good nature to allow her to build up savings to our detriment.

What would you do in this situation?

That was my first thought, too.

If she's got over £16k, she won't be entitled to any UC, if they're £6k-16k, her UC will be reduced.

I couldn't really. Was living very frugally. No days out, no meals out. Said no to DC school trips and any big expenses (car repairs etc) went on credit card.

Go 50-50 custody then he can pay zero

Because I work FT to make sure bills are covered. Big expenses like car bills / dental work had to go on a cc

you have missed the following information out of your op…

how are you and your dp worse off as a couple since he moved in? You have one less rent to pay as a couple. His payments to her haven’t increased. You share bills now rather than each pay individually. Your op as it stands makes no sense. You must have so much more disposable cash this year than last.

Your partner is paying for his own children, his ex’s life is nothing to do with you. Between you, you and your partner have multiple children so support. If you want more money you need to earn more.

You got together with a man who had a child he is financially responsible for. Good for him for sticking by his responsibilities as a father.

At least there’s an end in sight. What is your joint plan for four years’ time?

Thats the argument we had last night. Hes offered to pay more to me but seems pointless when the money would just go round in circulation within our household.
Before he moved in I was just about keeping my head above water but any big expenses went on cc and if id have had to take time off work long term sick or reduce hours Id have been stuffed.

He can just revert to paying the minimum then - unless you’re absolutely sure it won’t affect the quality of life of his child.

It might be time for a very honest discussion and look at some more realistic amounts for him to be giving.

So your ire is directed the wrong way then. You made a decision to live beyond your means when you bought your house. You were having to use credit cards to get by. You moved a man in to help. He isn’t helping enough to get you out of your hole. None of That is her fault or doing.

@Lovingthesummersun1youve made your choices and she has made hers. It doesn't sound like this is the right relationship for you and it's not your place to get involved in her affairs. Your partner is doing the right thing and frankly her finances are none of your business.

The large emergencies she asks DP to pay for and hes also put aside money for DSC to go to uni. Shes said she cant afford to fund uni for them.

But you still work Ft and he’s paying half of the bills - that must be at least £500 a month extra that you’re better off?

Agree with this and just want to add that as your partner is now effectively living rent free he obviously has a lot more disposable income as you’re together five years and he is living with you for the past year.

Surely he’s saving loads compared to the previous four years when he would have been renting somewhere?

You sound bitter and resentful towards his ex wife, she is more than entitled to socialise at weekends when your partner takes their child.

Normally, everything that costs at school (trips, lunch, music lessons etc) is paid for on ParentPay or a similar system. No need for DC to "miss out" if he pays directly on that. He's probably just disorganised and thinks he "can't" do that when in fact it would just take a call to the school office.

If I’m reading this right, there are no joint children. Is that correct? So your issue is that finding his own child means that he dies t have enough money to give your child treats?

He can cut back, so when the ex requests cash, he just says no and gets his dc items directly, no cash to her.

How is it costing you more to have DP living with you if he’s paying half the bills? Surely you are better off?

If not, he needs to move back out again. Were you eligible for UC before and now you aren’t?

You should prioritise your own DC so if this situation is causing financial hardship then DP should move out.

His ex is nothing to do with you.

And you are happy that an able bodied woman with a teenager is choosing to sponge off of the tax payer when she could be working full time like the rest of us? Absolutely ridiculous attitude and the reason the benefits system needs a complete overhaul.

You can't be worse off if DP is paying 50% of the bills. You just sound jealous that you're working full time while his ex is part time and going on holidays. That won't work out well for her in the longer term OP so just bide your time.

How can he offer to pay more to you but you as a couple are skint? Where does the money go that he has offered to you?

I bought my house using help to buy as to rent was way out of my budget (but not really relevantto thisnpost). My ire and the point of this post which jonone seems to get is that she has massively lied and continues to lie my DP and me to get more money for herself while we cant save much at all. Whenever we talk to her about DSC future she just says she cant afford to contribute. We scrape by as our money gets put towards both our kids to ensure they dont go without. Thats why Im so cross. Not because Im bitter at my own life choices.
Can you really say you'd be ok with someone lying to you to your detriment? No, dont think so

So how are YOU subsidising HER? If your partner was paying her less he could contribute more to your household ( so I understand your thinking in a very roundabout way), however he has offered to do this already and you’ve said no. What exactly is the problem then?

I don’t think OP is upset because having a DP has made her financial situation worse.

She’s upset because her and her DP are working their arses off whilst looking after DC and not having spare money whilst the ex has more time and more money. I imagine OPs sutures similar in terms of having very little spare time and very little spare money before she got with DP.

I agree OP it’s annoying.

But overall it’s temporary. Your DP won’t always need to financially contribute to this extent. You won’t always be juggling long hours and DC. And when that time comes you’ll be much better off than the ex.

It’s a shame your DP has been taken for a ride. I don’t think he can share that he saw bank statements, he shouldn’t have looked. I don’t know if there’s much chance of them going back to court to change arrangements? That seems unlikely. If he did 50/50 with his DC he wouldn’t need to pay CMS.

Your DP sounds really decent, he actually cares about his DC and wants them to be provided for.